I Need To Learn To Forgive

I have read a lot of books about learning to forgive.  Watched some online videos.  I have taken a couple of classes.  From early on in my life, I knew that in order to be healthy, I had to learn to forgive the people from my past.  That for my own life to move on, I had to let their harm toward me, whether intentional or unintentional, be forgiven.  I didn't have to excuse it.  Seems like most people think that forgiving is excusing behavior...making it alright or not someone's responsibility.  But that is not what I  mean or believe.  I mean actually forgiving the incident caused by another...and acknowledging that they did cause it, whether they ever acknowledge it or not.  I do mean finding the grace to realize that they were probably doing the best that they could at the time...but that no matter the facts, they still hurt me.  I mean choosing to go on with life rather than getting stuck in that place where everything changed. 
And, I've had quite a bit of practice.  A grandfather that was amazingly cruel.  A father who abandoned me.  A step mother who gave up on me.  A mom who died....I know, it's weird to have to forgive that, but it really was necessary.  A friend who completely betrayed me and continues to do so to this day.   A grandmother who never got over the fact that I wasn't going to replace my mother who died.  And, many other minor glitches along the way. And, with great truthfulness I can say that I have forgiven these people.  Not that I don't have to forgive again and again as time goes by...as the hurt rises up again.  But I forgave and kept walking.  I didn't get stuck in that place in life. 
And, now, in my marriage, I have struggled to forgive.  To actually believe my own forgiveness.  And you might be thinking, "you forgave all of those others, why not him?"  But, what I have come to realize is that I have forgiven him.  I am having trouble forgiving me.  Forgiving myself for finally giving up.  For not being enough.  For feeling less than christian.  So, it comes that I blog here about what he has done and is doing to remind myself.  So that I will see that a wrong was actually committed.....and in that knowledge, maybe I will be able to forgive myself for the path that I have chosen.  Because it doesn't really matter if others forgive me for it.  It matters that I can forgive myself.  There are not many classes on that.  But it is perhaps even more important than forgiving others.  Because self hate and depression and inaction stem from not forgiving myself.  Just as not forgiving another gets me "stuck"...not forgiving myself reaps a harvest of other problems.
So, I have been on a quest of learning to forgive myself.  For, it is part of healing.  He may not forgive me.  Ever.  But, I have to forgive me.  Others may not forgive me.  But I have to forgive me.  The thing is....Jesus already forgave me.  I need to follow His example.  I don't believe in cheap grace.  I also don't believe in bought grace.  It's a fine line in the middle.  It means living real.  Not pretend.  And forgiving myself when I can't make the wrongs of the world....or my marriage...right. 
I need to learn to forgive......myself.
grace to you.