Short Accounts

There are a lot of things that I am not.  Not bad mouthing myself, just simply stating a fact.  But, there's one thing that I have had in my life....the desire to keep short accounts.  I desire to make things right.  To communicate and figure out what might be wrong.  To admit what I've done and be able to go on.  There was one time in my life with a friend that I left something go for a really long time...as in..a YEAR.  I know.  Stupid.  I was miserable.  It's not how I'm wired.  I don't let things fester and I don't just pretend that they didn't happen.  I like peace.  Genuine peace.  Not pretending.  Not being false.  I find it emotionally chaotic to leave things hanging.
So, I try to live saying what I need to say.  Saying if I'm wrong or have wronged.  Have lived that way in my marriage too.  The problem being that it didn't work.  Nothing was ever resolved.  He will not talk with me....he will rant and be angry and then switch to being troubled and then switch to being morose.  There is no simply talking things out and getting better.  More like getting run over.  It's grueling.  Takes hours.  And maybe, at the end, if he decides he has hurt me, he will say he's sorry....and then I'm simply supposed to forgive and forget.  After being belittled and hurt.  After being subjected to hours of an emotional roller coaster.  Painful.  Hurtful.  Not ok.
And I had forgotten this gift that I have.  Of keeping short accounts.  Even when it's embarrassing to admit that I've behaved foolishly or unkindly or irrationally or stupidly or without regard to another.  It's a beautiful gift of freedom.  And I don't want to forget that it's part of who I am.  How I was made.  I need to nurture that and be thankful for it.
I have a tender heart.  It has taken a beating.  Yet, I still want the best for someone...even when they have hurt me.  Finally, I'm realizing that it's ok to want the best for me as well.  To want what makes me feel safe and secure.  I gave that up to make him happy.  My own sense of comfort and security.  And it has taken all of this time for me to realize that it shouldn't be an imposition for me to want that...and, even moreso, it should have been what HE wanted FOR me.  For some reason, that escaped me.  Crazy, huh?
But, I'm getting it.
Hope it serves as a reminder to you.
grace to you.