A Voice of My Own

I'm a mess.  Really.  Totally.  The world as I thought it would be, could be or should be....does not exist.  And I am so worn out from trying.  And yet....
so joyous. 
I am loving substituting.  I love that I can keep my own schedule.  That I can change my mind.  That there are choices.  That I am not fully responsible for the results of a class and all of the paperwork.  I have a pretty sweet deal. 
And, I am going to learn again to have a voice of my own.  Without being afraid.  Without constantly second guessing myself or apologizing.  Half of the time, if I could apologize for existing, I think that I would.  I feel so beaten down.  But, oh well.  I am here.  There is breath.  I get to choose my perspective.  And, I get to choose what to do from here.  Even if I didn't do it right before.
And, I am going to talk...you know, for real talk.  Maybe.  Probably.  I need my voice.  Not to hear myself....but because when I don't speak, others don't speak into my life.  And when I do, the most wonderful thing happens....they DO!  And, no matter what they speak into my life, I get to choose what to do with that too! 
I want a voice that isn't simply a response to the pain of life.  I want it to be my WHOLE story.  Not just this little part.  I want for GOD to be known.  To be seen.  He is amazing.  If He can stick with a mess like me, you got nothing to fear, girlfriend. Just hang on tight.  He'll love you right through.  And provide as only He can. 
Wait, is it my own voice if it's in a text? 
grace to you.