Morning. Night.

I am becoming like those animals that adapt by only being up and around in the early morning and late night in order to avoid predators.  I know how they feel.  It feels a lot nicer to be up when you feel safe.  Comfortable.  Ok.  Not like you will be in trouble in a minute.
I don't like it, but it is a way to cope. 
Daughter had a friend over to spend the night last night.  I had to stay up late anyway.....to not freak out the friend that I don't sleep in my room. 
I find myself trying to step away from conflict more and more.  Like I had a lifetime of it already and don't need anymore.  I'm not wimpy, just self preserving.  And, unwilling to make life more uncomfortable than it need be. 
I've also been escaping into tv shows...some of that was just being sick.  But, another part is that it diverts my attention while I wait for the uncomfortable time to pass......i.e.  wait for him to go to bed. 
It's not working great for me.  There are things I want that these behaviors do not fulfill.  But, there are things that I don't want that these behaviors do accomplish.
He works today.  HALLELUJAH!  I mean that respectfully and thankfully.  It was such a relief to hear. 
I wish my friends would still come over.  But it doesn't happen.  I knew that by speaking I"d make people uncomfortable.  Now I have to live with the consequences.  I guess it's worth it.  But, in some ways it was easier when people were in the dark.  At least it doesn't cause them unnecessary discomfort.  Sometimes I wonder if it's wrong to want to get it to be about me for a minute.  In my mind.  Not in others.  To admit what I actually long for. I know it.  I know how I need friendship and connection.  Empathy.  Kindness.  But.....asking for it when I need it.  I've spent over 20 years trying to get what I need.  Giving what he needed.  Talking.  Holding a high standard.  Believing he could be better.  Working hard.  I guess that I'm just too tired to do it with anyone anymore.  It's not fair, but either they get it or they don't.  Either they are there or they're not.  I don't have the stamina nor courage nor emotional willingness to put it all out there....knowing that the guy who was supposedly in love with me didn't give a a rip.  So, why should they? 
Yet, they do.  There are people in my life who totally do.  Though I can't work at it.  Though I am a mess.  I see them.  I fear driving them away.  I fear that they will stay and my garbage will hurt them.  But, little by little...I'm letting that love, that friendship.......cast out the fear.  Love wins.  I believe it.  Gee....guess that's why I worked so hard.  I really believed it. 
Now I just wish he'd really go live with his mama.  Can't say why that is such a satisfying thought.  Well, maybe I can, but not right this moment.
grace to you.