Enough

What I am learning is that learning is more than a straight path.  Like any marvelous journey, it takes the twists and turns, the u-turns and turn arounds to be a full experience.  But, when I say that I am learning something, it means that I have become aware of the necessity, acknowledge my need to progress in that direction and choose to get on the path.  It doesn't mean that I've "arrived". 
That said, I am learning.  I typed leaning and had to fix it, but thought that it was appropriate too.  Because I am having to learn to lean.  Leaning on God is pretty easy really.  An easy out sometimes.  Learning to lean on people is hard.  Especially in this aspect of life.  It's easy to let them cook dinner if I'm sick....but to do this is way different.  As I was driving back to church for the third time today, I cried.  I finally admitted that I'm not going to be able to do this on my own.  That I need those hugs.  Those tender tsk tsks.  I know, it sounds lame, but I do.  I need to be heard and loved.  Held and prayed for. 
And, I had to acknowledge that my husband stole something from me that I hadn't put to words.  The ability to go and worship as I once did.  Freely.  Elatedly.  Peacefully.  Wholly.  Hard to do when there is such a rift.  Sitting elsewhere helps.  However, it creates questions from people.
I got the how are you question a lot today.  A lot of, "I haven't seen you around."  One, we have to get together soon.....go ahead and translate that into "I need to know what's going on."  But, I also got something very precious.  A woman who used to be very close to my family.  Who I tried to talk to over a year ago.  Just a bit.  She hasn't spoken to me since.  But, today she came up and not only initiated, but acknowledged that she hadn't been around.  And that she knew that I must be going through a hard time.  that was....kind.  And another thing happened.  Someone gave me the kind of hug that makes you feel like someone else is helping to hold the world together.  You know the kind?  Not the pat pat pat, isn't that nice, aren't you sweet whatever else kind of hug....no, the real deal.  What she hadn't known is that I had found myself sitting behind her during second service, and during the meet and greet I had thought, I could sure use a hug, however, I was on my way out since I had already been to the sermon.  But, I got out of my pew, walked all the way around and stood by her pew waiting to say hi.  She is popular and well loved.  She was busy with a woman in front of her.  Giving her full, kind attention.  Love that.  So, I headed out and figured that I would catch her another time.  When I came back to get my daughter, she was in the entry way.  She asked me how I was.  I totally laughed.  Later, she is the one who gave me the hug and told me that she prays for me.  Tears, even now.  I'm not sure that there's really been anyone since my grandpa and my friend's dad that pray for me somewhat regularly.  My friend's dad prayed for me by name every day.  His death and my grandfather's hit me hard because of that gift being gone. 
So, today I learned that my need goes deeper than I give validity to.  But, I learned that God has already provided enough love and support to meet me and sustain me as I begin this journey of learning once again to seek out what should have remained a part of my life all of these years.  Harder to start over, but not impossible.
If you are hurting and alone, I'm really sorry.  I know how it hurt.  I know how you can stand in the middle of a huge crowd and feel more alone than you do when you are actually alone in a room.  Don't give up.  Keep doing what little bits you can to reach out and let others help and comfort you.  Can't say that some won't be meanie heads....if they are, just move along to someone else.  Be a good friend.  And allow people to be a good friend to you.  And, I'm praying for you.
grace to you.