Out There

It's a little bit disconcerting having my "story" out there...my good moments, my weaknesses, my worries, my pain, my strengths.........my thoughts unguarded.  And yet, at the same time as it feels totally awkward, it feels totally right and good.  Like how I was wired.  To write.  To reach.  To use my story to let others find hope.  I know, if you are reading this, you know that I'm not writing to preach at anyone.  Though, I do hope to point clearly to Jesus.  That He has a plan.  A purpose.  That He is a hope giver.  A joy sustainer.  But, what I've found is that most of us within the church have been preached at or to quite enough.  Mostly, what I need is just to be given that grace by those around me.  Mostly, I just need to be able to be me and not always be trying to figure out what a "christian woman" would do.  Because....I am a christian woman....so, what a christian woman would do is what I do.  It's not always right.  Sometimes it's just right.  But whatever it is, it doesn't change my status in the Kingdom.
More and more people are reading this blog.  Funny, since I didn't really suppose that anyone would.  But, my prayer has been that my life be used in this little way to allow others to feel that "ah, there is someone else," feeling.  Because I've looked.  And searched.  And tried.  And mostly what I find is: "unless you are being beaten, the church does not condone ending a marriage."  And every time I read it, it slams me hard. It causes me again to feel insufficient.  And so, I write....so that those who read will know that there are others who aren't sure that they can go one more day as it is.  Who bear no physical bruises, but carry the bruises much more deeply.  I don't want to be a rebel.  I simply want to tell the whole truth.  That life can be much different than we pictured.  That sometimes in order to survive we have to choose from two imperfect choices.  And that we were made and given strength and power and courage to make those decisions.  And then to STILL walk in grace. 
On the other hand, I'm not a quitter.  I want that to be known as well.  I like to try hard.  I like to do what I set out to do.  I appreciate a high standard.  I like being happy.  But, I don't think that the world should revolve around my happiness.  However, I am finally admitting that I am ALLOWED to be happy.  To seek that in life which uplifts, encourages and does not destroy.  The Evil One, kills, steals and destroys.....and I'm supposed to flee from him.  I am supposed to seek good.  To focus on excellence.  To set my mind on the higher things in life.  I want to live that way. 
Right now, as you read, you will see........I am really beaten down.  Some days it takes everything just to face it all.  To try to talk to anyone.  To get out of my shell.  To stand up.  To mean what I say.  To relax.  Everything seems so incredibly overwhelming.  I used to be so much stronger.  So much.....different. 
Putting my story out there is part of being released from the shame and guilt.  It's saying truth.  Even the ugly parts.  And, being out there is teaching me to not hold it all inside and make everything work.  Though it is only in a cyber world, I am sharing.  And, this sharing is helping me to do so in my real world as well.  This is how I heal.  Others exercise.  Hike.  Paint.  Draw.  Play music.  Speak.  I heal this way because, much like an artist or musician, I hope that my message reaches someone.  That by revealing the very deepest parts of me,I will help someone else on her journey. 
grace to you.