Church Picnic

Today is a church picnic.  I will make food.  I'm not sure if I'll attend.  It's kind of strange to realize that nobody will really notice if I don't.  The way our church services have been arranged, nobody notices if I come of don't.  Nobody would notice today because the kids all have their own friends that they hang out with  It's a little sad to have spent so many years somewhere and to find that you weren't really that important.  Really, people don't notice if you aren't around.  Or, they may notice, but it doesn't really make an impact.  I'm not complaining.  Just observing.  I've been on the other side too...when people "disappear".  I wonder for awhile, but I have only followed through on a few.  Strangely, even though this is true....they have been my extended family.  Going gets complicated.  Questions about husband.  Questions about how I am.  Questions that can be answered, but answering honestly makes trouble.  Causes waves.  I don't need to do so.  So, if I go, I need to keep my head down and make polite conversation and be done with it.  If I can't, I should stay home.  I miss my church.  I miss my friends.  It's as if all of the shared parts of life are having to change.  It's painful.  Like very slowly pulling off a very sticky band-aid.  There are days I wonder if anyone will remain with me.  If anyone even understands how desperately my heart hurts.  How much I need compassion.  Probably not.  And, that's ok too.  It's just how it is.  Nobody intentionally being unkind, just simply living as best they can.  He is always going to be the good guy.  I might as well get used to it.  Because I'm not going to be the one to stand up and say that it's fake.  I have to let it go.  Sometimes a part of me screams out that it's not fair.  That's the three year old I carry around inside.  Trying to be seen and heard.  It's not fair, that's true.  But it is real.  And I don't have to go around making myself popular and trying to make him less so.  It's not necessary.  That's all just political type stuff....trying to look good.  But though I know it doesn't really matter, it does matter to me.  To my heart.  I'd be lying if I said that I don't care.  I do care.  Deeply.  It does hurt.  Knowing that I don't get to explain it and make myself look better is difficult.  Though I want to be more mature than that.
There are days that I wonder if anyone sees me at all.  But, I decided not to worry about it.  I will live  I will grow.  I will learn.  I will celebrate.  I will give.  I will have peace.  I will have joy.  And, I will not dwell on the fact that I wish that it were different.  That I wish that I had a group in my corner for the hard days.  It'll be ok.  I know it will.
grace to you.