Ok, I've had questions for a long time. And I've wanted to write about it here. But, shame gets the best of me...embarrassment....an inability to face my own inadequacies. But, here it goes....
So, I got married. And had a very active sex life. Complete with all kinds of positions and places and whatever. More than I really cared for, but it was nonetheless, VERY active. Morning. Night. Lunch. And, mind you....I was pregnant within three months of getting married. He loved the idea of making me pregnant. It was an aphrodisiac. I threw myself into what was supposed to be my role as a good wife. And, I was ecstatic to finally get to be having sex.....seeing as how I had been a virgin. Curious. Happy. I wasn't a prude in any way. Nope. But, it was like...it was never enough. So, here's the difficult part. He was also a do it yourselfer. And, I'm not talking shelves and lawnmower maintenance.
Was I failing as a wife. Not pretty enough. I did everything he asked. I know women who get no sex. Women who complain about that. But, this was just as difficult in its own and very different way. I've been wondering this year how it's going for him. Probably the same as ever. Those showers aren't just about getting clean. I'm not as naive as I once was. Back when I was so surprised. One of the many things that have driven me away. Have made me ashamed. Have taken away my sense of self. It was like saying that his desire had nothing to do with me....it had to do with what he wanted and "needed". He didn't need me to fulfill it. And if I was in his fantasies.....well, I obviously wasn't good enough in his reality. And to think of the things that I did that made me uncomfortable, that hurt me, that humiliated me. Hmmm. I don't think that's what God wanted for me. Though, from church ladies I've heard that it's my duty and my responsibility. I took a year's class about sex and intimacy. I took a pastoral led class about what men need. And I wanted to shout, "but if you are doing that, but it is never ever enough, what's wrong?"
And finally I began to withdraw. As pain increased. As his fantasies began to need me to do things that made me feel...dirty. I would cry myself to sleep. If he noticed at all, he would use it to make me feel badly that I wasn't make him feel good about his needs. Guilting me that he must be so bad to want sex from his wife. And I always fell for it. Until I realized that it wasn't about love. It wasn't even about sex. It's about power. And....finally, I am free from it.
Though I know that God can do anything and though I know that onlookers must think that I'm being petty because they don't know....I now know that I am not being petty, I was being used. And I'm not going to be anymore. He still guilts me. "But I miss you in bed." "What do I have to do to get you back?" Not in a way that means anything, but like a kid asks what they have to do to make up so that they can have the car for the weekend. Using. A year later. Still using.
Finally, realizing that maybe HE has a problem. That isn't related to me being inadequate or bad or ugly or........the list goes on. Eye opening.
Sometimes I wonder how it is that I got the "perfect man." It would have been much easier to have married a jerk. Then everyone would hear me. As it is.....well, it's not like you can just go to church and ask, what can I do about the fact Ya think? Nah. I think it would be my fault. That I would be chastised for not going with it. It's like the message is that men have needs and we should realize it and meet them. Well, newsflash....I have needs too. But I don't have to use someone to get them.
I know, tmi. But, I was compelled to write it. Wanting to share the heart of what pains so many...what is untalked about. What is hidden. The truth is that I think that many suffer in marriage. Without anyone to hear them. I'm sorry if you do. Sorry for your pain. Know that the God of the universe absolutely loves you....and will be a husband to you....meet all of those unfulfilled desires that are a part of being a woman. He is here. With you. And He thinks that you are beautiful. Worthy. A poem. He makes a big deal out of you. I still struggle....a year later. A year with absolutely no sex. Happier than I have been in a very long time. It constantly hovered over me. The expectation. The failing to meet it. The fantasies....though maybe they were about me, they weren't about me really.....And sometimes I still cry. Hurt. Humiliated. Sleeping on the floor...the hardwood floor....because I would ten times rather be there than in his bed. Doesn't anyone see me? Am I really invisible? Or, maybe I am as unworthy as he has made me feel. Maybe it is simply my fantasy that I have value. Maybe God is just as disappointed in me. My struggle. Though I have known the truth. It is hard to come back into it after so long believing something else to be true. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm a failure. But this failure is still not getting back in his bed. Is still not going to roll over and do his bidding. Never again. Because, it will kill me. Destroy my very self.
And to think that he would act as if he didn't know why I was so sad. So depressed. That he would encourage me to always initiate. To keep the peace. To be a good wife. I feel sick to my stomach and oh so cold. But telling it....is ok. Because I want you to know. You are not alone.
grace to you.
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