Tongue Tied

I need to speak.  With verbal words.  I need to.  But, just because I want to, that does not give me the right to "dump" or to assume anyone wants to hear.  It's this feeling of seeing something undefinable in a facial expression when I finally think that I am going to say the words on my heart.  And I can't tell if it's fear or disappointment or simply disinterest.  Maybe it's the pain of knowing already.  But, whatever it is, it silences me.  Because it is nobody's right to drag another down. 
A friend of mine has told me that I need to speak.  That I need to allow myself that luxury.  To just do it with my friends and know that they will remain.  Or not.  But, I keep thinking....I have wonderful, kind friends.  But, they have aches and troubles of their own.  So, I swallow back what I can hardly hold in.  I breathe deeply.  Clench my teeth.  I curl into myself.  I feel all of these things happen.  Yet nobody knows that I am doing everything I can to have the courage to NOT share.  To make life better for others. 
How did I end up back in this cave?  The cave that I escaped many years ago.  I think I know.  It's learning to try to live less selfishly.  It's killer.  I want to speak.  I want to ask questions.  I need input.  Even if it's disappointment.  Even if it's anger.  But, I don't want to intrude.  Don't want to pull down.  Don't want to cause pain.  So, I am tongue tied. 
Today I got together what I wanted to say.  I went to visit.  Unavailable.  And I could write, but I don't want to.  So, I have this feeling that's like when you really have to go to the bathroom and you think you are going to finally get to go....only to find the restroom out of order or being cleaned.  Harder to hold it in once you think you are going to be able to let it go. 
I don't know what's right.  Or good.  I don't want to be negative.  I think that at this point I could be less so.  That I could be more balanced.  Before, I couldn't.  But, still....sharing ought not be dumping.  No spewing. 
And there's always the painful knowing....he always ends up getting to be the good guy.  Even with my help.  I don't want to destroy him.  I just want to be able to breathe again.  To have the freedom to actually live without dread.  I want to help my son heal.  To help him see how wonderful he is.  Long weekend...dad's home...he's back hiding in his room.  Dad was gone and he spent his time with me.  It's not rocket science. 
Here I am tongue tied.  Waiting for answers.  From the One who hears my heart.  Have to say...I am learning patience. 
Remember, you are not alone.  You are incredibly loved.  He does care....and, even more, He will carry. 
grace to you.