Before Dawn

I had a restless night.  However, the good part about sleeping on the couch is that you can't get too restless without falling off.  I awakened this morning to a man yelling, a rooster crowing and the neighbor dogs barking.  My first thought was that I had not locked up the chickens.  But, my boys and husband left at night to go fishing for catfish.  So, hopefully the chickens were already put away.  I think the man was yelling about the rooster.  I know that the people behind us complained to the police before.  We live in an area where we are "allowed" to have chickens.  Roosters are obnoxious though.  People think that they crow when the sun comes up, but it's actually well before.  So, when it's summer, they begin at three or so.  What I'm wondering is why I'm the one feeling guilty?  I didn't want them.  My son took the complaint the day that the police came.  He just came to tell us....not to ticket us or anything...it's not illegal, just annoying.  As for me, I got up and turned my fan on high.  My white noise.  I'll try to go back to sleep, but that rooster is still going....he's loud.  They used to get carried into the barn and put into a large dog crate covered with a thick blanket.  It keeps them in the dark...which keeps them quiet. 
The thing is this:  when we wanted to get a dog, my husband told my 13 year old daughter that he would take her by the shoulders and put her in front of anyone who came to the door to complain about our dog.  That he wasn't going to have to hear any of it.  You know, we have all had to take it regarding his chickens except for him....he's always at work. It just blows me away that the person who expects everyone in his family to take the stuff for him would be the same person that would tell his youngest child that she would have to take care of it if a dog caused problems.  What problems the dog could cause I'm not really sure since we walk our dogs outdoors and they don't stay out alone.  We don't even have a fence.  It's actually a quite nice way to have a dog....you have to go out with them which also gives them attention.  It's just hurtful that I'm awake before dawn...oh wait, it's two hours later and there's gray in the sky.....and stressed about our neighbors and the chickens but that he doesn't support or cover the rest of us. 
Years ago a neighbor came to complain about our having kids.....little kids....said that the neighborhood wasn't as good or as quiet since we moved in with children.  Cussed at me.  It was a woman.  Yelled at me in front of my children.  Told me off.  I was polite.  I told her she could not talk that way in front of my kids.  I told her that they were great kids.  She spewed meanness.  My husband let me take that too.  He never came and stood up for our kids.  Never told them not to speak to his wife that way. 
It's beginning to dawn in more ways than one.  He doesn't care about protecting or helping us.  We help each other.  He doesn't.  He leaves us to take the hard stuff.  And he is hard on us too.  Somehow, he never decided to be a family member.  He's out for him.  That's really too bad for him.  Sad for him.  But, the realization is good for me.  Though painful as it slowly unfolds, at least things begin to make more sense. 
I'll try to go back to sleep.  But I'm sad that we've made our neighbors angry  And I'm stressed that I'm going to be yelled at later today by those neighbors.  But worse, I'm afraid one of my kids will get yelled at. 
Dawn is quickly coming.  To the sky and to my heart.  It brings light  Truth.  I will have to wake up and embrace it.  But not just yet, I'm a little tired still and need to rest up before I face it.
grace to you.