happiness and courage

this is so true for me.

i spent many years

hearing how 

i didn't need to be happy.

that being happy was selfish.

that happy wasn't

what it was about.

unless he wasn't happy.

because believe me

he wanted to be happy.

to be comfortable.

to have what he needed

for his soul 

and for his self.

but for me, 

it wasn't supposed to be.

and i learned to squish down

what i wanted

what i felt

what i needed.

until i realized that the more i gave, the more he took.

and finally,

courage kicked in.

and learning to see what makes me happy

is a form of that courage.

and not being ashamed of that is part of it too.

blessings.

incorporating pain....getting healthy

nuff said, 

right?

healing

this is where i am

have faced truth

now the fixing 

what is broken

and learning how to heal

it is 

hard work

it takes emotional

and physical

energy.

that's probably why i'm

so tired.

gnight.

take care of you.

anger?  mostly it was pain.

but letting go of that is 

important too.

i am so tired tonight

paying for last night's

courage.

then up late.

then awakened early.

by my navy reserve recruit

who texted at 4:30 am.

then worked all day.

and then dinner.  

and make pillows.

and spend time at friend's house introducing

dog to their dogs

to be ready for vacation.

pick up boy.

run errands.  

exhausted.

but need time here to be quiet 

and rest

before sleeping.

and the thing about the above quote that got me?

some people aren't capable of love.

because he needs.

he wants.

he desires.

he gets jealous.

he owns.

but really, he doesn't love.

he uses his kids as trophies.

likes them to make him proud.

make him look good.

too tired to dwell too much on it.

but, turns out i almost 

ran into him at a friend's house.

wonder when 

i'll be able to be out of that time?

he has everyone

i have.

i'm so done with that.

blech.

but, that's probably the tired talking.

but....

somehow, 

i do need to be allowed to take care of me.

gnight.

blessings.

Goal

I am learning that I don't want to be ashamed.  

That I don't have to feel shame.

But, often I do.

Like a failure.

But when I really stop.

And take the time.

And look.

I know.

Know that what I've chosen.

Has taken courage.

And hope. 

And truthfulness.

Sure, I'm sad.

Sure, I wish it had been different.

But my hopes

and prayers

and desires

and wishes

and trying

and giving

and believing

never made it different.

It only made me different.

Made me incapable 

of living life full out.

And I am starting again.

Not easy.

But possible.

And I am going to learn to hold my heard up.

Not just outwardly...

but in my mind and heart too.

To believe that I am worth it.

Tonight I attended 

a party for a very special young lady.

I wouldn't have wanted to miss it.

But the ex was going too.

And it has been trauma 

and drama

in my heart.

Fear.

Discomfort.

I wish that I could

just talk like a normal person.

Not worry about what he is doing.

Or thinking.

Or that he is there.

But he makes me uncomfortable.

And he doesn't seem to try not to.

Maybe it's the only power left.

But I get to choose.  

Whether he has power over me

or not.

I get to choose to believe 

what God says about me

or not.

I get to choose

how to live.

I get to choose

to thrive.

And I want to 

THRIVE.

To be truly.

ALIVE.

I made it through this night.

I was cold.  

It wore my body out.

As in limp kinda' tired.

But it also

made me

PROUD.

Because I did a hard thing

for someone that I 

care about.

That made me happy,

Right there in the midst of the pain.

A friend told me to go and 

be happy.

To let him see

that I'm doing well.

That seemed a little

unkind.

Insensitive.

I always worry about how he feels.

But I purposed to do it as well as I could.

As honestly as I could.

And here I am.

Alive.

Feeling proud.

Knowing that I can do the hard things.

So can you.

blessings.

validation

i have figured out that what i can't get is validation.  no, i don't mean for parking.  i mean for my place in life.  that "oh wow, they get it, see me and still care."  i am so stinking lonely today and my phone doesn't ring and my house is empty and i am reduced to talking to my dogs.  and being nuzzled by my cat.  i have gotten a lot done, but i have a sense of pain.  of sadness.  like i don't have a place.  i sure miss my grandpa.  and there are those moments when i wonder if ever again i'll have a place.  if ever again there will be those who choose me for me.  and i'm thinking that there will be. a new job.  new people.  i am not simply someone's ex wife.  for that i will be so thankful.  you can't even imagine.
this week i have to see my ex.  family celebration.  i'll tell ya, my heart races just about right out of my chest just thinking about it.  i am stuck.  i can't decline.  i can't ask him not to go.  but maybe, perhaps, i can get him to take turns on time.  but, it is a bday, so could be a  problem since cake and presents are kinda the time to be there.  i don't know how to face it.  too hard.  too much.  emotional suicide.  like i have to kill my emotions to get through it.  stuff in my feelings again.  when i've finally been coming back out.
i know that these times will come.  i just wonder when i will get to the place when i can face them without feeling like i'm going to have a heart attack.
but i'll most likely go.  be pleasant.  make small talk.  and be so worn out when it's over that there will be no describing it.  i'll need a blanket in the summer.  i'll have the shakes.  i know well how it feels now.  it's more intense as i come out from the numbness.  i don't want to live in the numbness, but maybe i'll have to for awhile.  just not sure how to do that and heal all at once.
god, show me what to do.  i am clueless.
grace to you.

church

at church today, on my way in, in the midst of my total panic attack, i saw and grabbed on to someone for a hug.  a sweet, kind, strong, faithful, kind woman.  not perfect.  not churchy.  real.  sincere.  genuine.  true.  one of those people that is safe.  and let me tell you, i grabbed on like a drowning woman.  held on.  hugged tight.  didn't even have the decency to mention anything about her.  totally a taker.  wow.  and yet....it bolstered me.  god provided.  a harbor.  a rest.  a piece of peace.  right there in the midst of the hardest things for me.
i can't deal with the why question that i get.  well, i totally could.  but i want to maintain something in me.  a sense of dignity.  a sense of compassion.  and i want to protect my children.  from division.  from fighting.  from sensing that people know too much....at least, not from me.
i get letters from men who have heard my husband's "side".  and i am a little appalled.  i would never assume to have any friends write to him.  tell him how he's wrong.  tell him that they will be praying that he will walk with god.  those letters push me away from feeling safe in my own home church.  they make me feel...judged.  they cause me pain.  he causes me that pain.  funny how he never shared with anyone before.  never sought help before.  so, now, they just assume that this woman simply walked away from him suddenly and without cause.
i had cause.  and i have peace in that.  but it's amazing how hard it can be when you are not willing to justify yourself to those within the church.  i never knew.  and i don't ask anyone to take up for me.  to  tell what they know of things.  i just keep trying to wait it out.  to keep my faith.  to focus on worship and not fear.
today was hymn day.  it made me laugh because i was trying to sing melody and my friend was singing harmony and i realized that i had grown up singing the harmony parts in the songs that we were singing and i really had to focus to try and sing melody and not "fall" into the harmony part.  well, my life is kind of like that.  it's easy to fall into protecting him.  and that's not what i need to be doing.  and yet, i don't need to be taking his burden either.  there is some balance that i have yet to find.  i don't have the right words yet.
it's not like i can say, "you let him treat you like garbage for over 20 years and then come talk to me again."  the abuse has left scars.  on my heart.  on my abilities.  on my hopes.  on my passions.  but how to share that is beyond me totally.  not without giving up integrity and taking part in something less than i hope to be.
so i shed tears.  i seek hugs.  and i simply know that all things pass eventually.
blessings.

faith

holding onto faith going through these times seems to be an anomaly.  i look around and see few who do.  they toss out all that they once held true.  i guess that in some ways, that reduces the struggle.  taking on new "truth" means being able to move on faster..with less struggle.
but i welcome the struggle.
because without faith, i am absolutely nothing.  without god, i can't take a breath.  i did not become free to become enslaved to lies.
but i see how it's easier.  and honestly, i don't judge.  it's just where they are.  and god isn't surprised.  and he will continue to love.  and search.  and woo.  and weep.  for he compassion never fails.
blessings.

Whitney Houston - Yes Jesus Loves Me

this is a great rendition.  and i needed the "i'm never alone" part.  wow.  he loves me so much that he reaches out to me in every way.
blessings.

yes jesus loves me.

yes jesus loves me.
yes jesus loves me.
yes jesus loves me,
the bible tells me so
blessings.