validation

i have figured out that what i can't get is validation.  no, i don't mean for parking.  i mean for my place in life.  that "oh wow, they get it, see me and still care."  i am so stinking lonely today and my phone doesn't ring and my house is empty and i am reduced to talking to my dogs.  and being nuzzled by my cat.  i have gotten a lot done, but i have a sense of pain.  of sadness.  like i don't have a place.  i sure miss my grandpa.  and there are those moments when i wonder if ever again i'll have a place.  if ever again there will be those who choose me for me.  and i'm thinking that there will be. a new job.  new people.  i am not simply someone's ex wife.  for that i will be so thankful.  you can't even imagine.
this week i have to see my ex.  family celebration.  i'll tell ya, my heart races just about right out of my chest just thinking about it.  i am stuck.  i can't decline.  i can't ask him not to go.  but maybe, perhaps, i can get him to take turns on time.  but, it is a bday, so could be a  problem since cake and presents are kinda the time to be there.  i don't know how to face it.  too hard.  too much.  emotional suicide.  like i have to kill my emotions to get through it.  stuff in my feelings again.  when i've finally been coming back out.
i know that these times will come.  i just wonder when i will get to the place when i can face them without feeling like i'm going to have a heart attack.
but i'll most likely go.  be pleasant.  make small talk.  and be so worn out when it's over that there will be no describing it.  i'll need a blanket in the summer.  i'll have the shakes.  i know well how it feels now.  it's more intense as i come out from the numbness.  i don't want to live in the numbness, but maybe i'll have to for awhile.  just not sure how to do that and heal all at once.
god, show me what to do.  i am clueless.
grace to you.