at this very moment, i want to trash talk myself. those feelings of inadequacy that were honed so very well for so very long perked right up today when i went to my new school and words, jargon were flying around my head. as i grabbed a huge stack of books to take home. and as i began perusing them. oh my goodness. but the thing is....i can do it. i know in my heart that god brought me to this place and that he will give me the skills to do what he has brought me to. but today...i faced the giant again. those feelings that my ex honed.
but now, i'm going to turn my mind and wonder why? why did he choose that over encouragement and accolades? why did he have a need to hold me down? i don't know the answer, but it changed my focus from something being wrong with me to something being wrong in the way i was treated. i don't have to take responsibility for that. i am not what he chooses. i am who god made me. and while i may not know the buzz words. i know how to teach. and i am going to do it. and i will do it in the strength and power of god himself. so that his glory can be seen in my weakness. so that every day that i am flying....walking on water....i can attribute it to him.
scared? yes. like standing on the edge of a cliff and getting ready to jump into the water. others have done it before. but still....i have to do it on my own. i have to choose courage. i have to learn to jump.
or, in other words, i have to get out of the boat and meet jesus on the water. take a walk with him. he is willing. he has provided everything i need. all i have to bring is a wee bit of faith. you know, a synonym for faith should be courage. because every faith act is a courage act.
had to tell someone today that i was no longer married. had to do it with grace and without the garbage. and that's not easy. some days, i wish that there was someone who was simply mine alone. that i didn't have to weigh or measure my thoughts or words. but the reality of life is that he knows most of the people i know. and so....i choose to be a woman who doesn't tear him down. though a part of me thinks that he would deserve to topple a bit. ;) i don't want to be that kind of woman though. i want to celebrate who i am by behaving in ways i admire. getting there. it's slow coming. but, i am growing. changing. learning.
i am able to do all things. because i have a strengthener.
blessings.
but now, i'm going to turn my mind and wonder why? why did he choose that over encouragement and accolades? why did he have a need to hold me down? i don't know the answer, but it changed my focus from something being wrong with me to something being wrong in the way i was treated. i don't have to take responsibility for that. i am not what he chooses. i am who god made me. and while i may not know the buzz words. i know how to teach. and i am going to do it. and i will do it in the strength and power of god himself. so that his glory can be seen in my weakness. so that every day that i am flying....walking on water....i can attribute it to him.
scared? yes. like standing on the edge of a cliff and getting ready to jump into the water. others have done it before. but still....i have to do it on my own. i have to choose courage. i have to learn to jump.
or, in other words, i have to get out of the boat and meet jesus on the water. take a walk with him. he is willing. he has provided everything i need. all i have to bring is a wee bit of faith. you know, a synonym for faith should be courage. because every faith act is a courage act.
had to tell someone today that i was no longer married. had to do it with grace and without the garbage. and that's not easy. some days, i wish that there was someone who was simply mine alone. that i didn't have to weigh or measure my thoughts or words. but the reality of life is that he knows most of the people i know. and so....i choose to be a woman who doesn't tear him down. though a part of me thinks that he would deserve to topple a bit. ;) i don't want to be that kind of woman though. i want to celebrate who i am by behaving in ways i admire. getting there. it's slow coming. but, i am growing. changing. learning.
i am able to do all things. because i have a strengthener.
blessings.
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