mashed potatoes...hold the gravy

today was a really fun day.  the meal was outdoors.  and, as people were drifting away, my friend grabbed a spoonful of taters...minus the grave, thank goodness...and flicked it at me.  hmmm. i maturely just allowed it and the meal went on.  NOT!  i grabbed a handful of tatoes and retaliated.  with joy.  well, she smushed them in my face.  in my hair.  i tossed them at her.  ok, a deviled egg may have been smushed on her too.  it was very satisfying.  so much fun.  my life is so much better.
new traditions.  new habits.  new thoughts.  new.  change.  scary stuff.  and exciting.  learning to laugh for real again.  today, i had this moment when everything relaxed.  i felt it.  a physical sensation.  and the realization of how long i had to hold it all together for events.  my face.  my shoulders.  my body.....it all just kind of relaxed.  it was great.  hopeful.
blessings.

First Easter

Sigh. Of. Relief.
This was my first Easter without the ex.  I am so glad to report that it was awesome.  I was comfortable.  I was happy.  I AM happy.  Life is better for me.  I am at peace.  For real at peace.  Genuinely.  Even when there's hard stuff.  For the first time in a very long time, I know who I am to a degree.  I don't wake up feeling oppressed.
But, my ex sang in church today.  A song about not having to be who you were.  About shame and grace.  It really is a beautiful song. But, it was about "love wins".  I think that I was somehow supposed to be all warm and fuzzy feeling toward him.  What others wouldn't have realized is that he hasn't changed.  He may have made some mental commitments...but he still lives for him.  He had a son sitting right there in that service that he hasn't spoken to.  He has not learned to stand for those he loves.  He is still all about him.  And it was awkward.  I just quit looking at him and let God talk to me.  Comfort me.  Help me through.  And He did.
What a joy today was.  Deeply.  Grandkids.  Family.  Great food.  Easter Egg Hunt Extreme.  Pictures.  Smiles.  On everyone.  I  love that.

yep

Determined

Last night a friend said that determined describes me.  I agree.  To a point.  I am determined to become who God made me to be.  I am determined to love wholeheartedly.  I am determined to lessen pain.  I am determined.  Yes.  But not simply stubborn.  Not with the motive of winning.  Just to persevere to the joy.  To the place of happy.  To get done and through.  I was determined this last year to refuse to be a victim.  Even in my mind.  To live.  To grow.  To be challenged.  And I have been!!!
I am not a quitter.  Unless I decide to be. ;)  That's why it amuses me..or maybe hurts me...that some people think that I just gave up on being married. That it was for no reason.  That's not even in my make up.  I don't pull that many people into my life....not closely.  Why in the world would I give any of them up easily?
I am determined.  I am peaceful.  I am happy.  I am precious.  To Him.
blessings.

Learning to be at Peace

The learning curve has been high.  I face a lot of things.  Many of them without anyone to talk to about them. It's hard sometimes.  Mostly, it's ok.  Right now I am seeing how much I've learned.  How I am able to relax some and just let things take their course.  It's not at all easy.  This holiday will be yet another learning curve. But I know that I'll make it.  I know that I'm not going to beg anyone in my life to meet my needs.  I am learning to respect myself more in that area.  If people aren't around, if I'm not valuable enough, if my kids aren't a priority...then...well, then I need to handle that gracefully and with the knowledge that it doesn't mean that I'm not valuable.  It feels like it.  This is hard because people not coming to my house on Easter now that he's gone when they came when he was here...well...you know how it is. Got trained that it's my fault, that I'm not as good, that I'm not worth it.  And I have to fight that.  A lot.  Takes a lot of energy.  A lot of fearless.  Because it's hard to be hurt and still know that I'm ok.  Yet, it's true.  I am ok.  I am even mostly peaceful.  A few tears.  They are allowed.  I allow myself that.  I don't know how things will look in the years to come.  But someday, there will be different things.  New things.  I will find a way.  Make traditions.  No matter what, I am going to be peaceful and loving.  I love this holiday.  I am not going to ruin it with allowing the pain of "not being chosen" to overwhelm me.  This, of course it the week before he left last year as well....It's all mixed up.
Next is my birthday. This is the one year anniversary....time flies when you are having fun!
blessings.

Dancing around naked

Why is it that when I risk asking people to meet my needs, I feel like I'm dancing around naked?  I sent the invite for Easter.  Some read.  Some declined.  Some didn't answer.  Some haven't seen it yet.  But, while I wait, I feel exposed.  Like I risked more than anyone can possibly know.  Like I want to try and move forward but somehow it is hinged on others allowing it too...on meeting me in this new place.
David danced naked before the Lord.  I have this sense of being before God and just putting it all out there.  My hopes, my failures, my needs, my wants....and trusting that some will still accept me where I am now.
I guess it was extra hard because I realized that we hadn't BEEN invited.  That realization didn't come until after I had written my own invite.  That made me feel even more vulnerable.  So, here I am. Vulnerable.  And I choose that over hardened.  Over cynical.  Over hopeless.  I choose to move on.  To go forward.  To hope.  To believe in the whole story of faith.  Of the Resurrection and how that changed the whole world.  And I choose to allow that "fearless" word that was given to me this year to lead out.  There have been mountains.  And valleys.  And storms.  Yet, here I am.  God is faithful.  Completely. Though I feel naked.
blessings.

Most Important Holiday

Easter is coming.  Jesus rose.  Lives.  Death failed.  If that's not hope, I don't know what is.  But, this is our first Easter without the kids' dad.  This is my first Easter to host on my own.  I love this holiday.  I love the playing, the photos, the traditions.  I love the celebrating with people that I care about...who get why it's just a great day.  But I guess that I've been afraid that they won't come.  Or will not include us if they do something else.  These family holidays are hard.  Because there is a residual problem in that my ex is not here...and other husbands feel troubled.  And I don't guess that I entertain them so well.  I don't know how to fix it.  I just know that I have to move forward.  I have to celebrate.  I have to honor my children and their heart's needs too.  I am trying.  But I put it off.  So much new stuff to face every month. ;)  But, I am looking forward to it.  I am anticipating it.  The menu.  The photos.  The laughter.  The games.  The fun.  We will play.  We will laugh.  We will honor one another with love and hope.  Somehow, we will lift one another up and find a way through.  And I am so happy this year.  I really want the opportunity to celebrate my favorite holiday...because last year was really tough.
So.  I've put my fears on the line.  I've invited.  I hope that people can come.  Or will come.  I have...hope.
Got to get to work!
blessings.

grandma's bday

today would have been my grandma's bday.  she died two days after her bday...back when my daughter was in kindergarten.  how quickly time goes by.  and yet, can still feel like a million years.  nine years.  wow. a lot of living in that nine years.
maybe that explains my need today of solace.  that and this cold.  sometimes it just feels like i have had so many people die.  or leave.  my ex isn't in that list.  he i wanted to leave.  he once said, "i'm not like your dad, i'm not going to go away."  i was not very kind in that moment.  i told him that staying for his own pride didn't feel better than his going away.  that the whole "trying his best to love me"  wasn't working for me.  at all.
i also got an email from my ex today.  he was at an eagle scout ceremony of a student that goes to school with our sons.  he saw the dad of one of our sons and sent me a message of hello and hugs.  it was weird.  how about just telling the person that he doesn't see me?  or that we don't talk?  he does strange things.
this was a really hard day for me.  i can usually summon up grace or suck it up and do what i need to.  but today was nearly impossible.  i barely made it through.  i cried and cried.  i was totally feeling overwhelmed.  not feeling well.  had school work to do.  homework, i mean.  for a class.  had laundry.  had decided that maybe painting the floor would be a good idea.  the girls had offered to cook burritoes.  that was good news.  but then.....company.  that was almost too much for me.  really.  i had to parade out my counterpart personality...the one that is outgoing.  i can do it.  force it.  but it is extremely wearing.  i am an introvert.  give me a few.  i was so looking forward to this day with the kids.  then helping my son with college stuff.  which we finally got to.  looking for a cabin for a couple of days over spring break...or three.  i was ready to snuggle in with a book.  close my eyes and rest.  prepare for the upcoming week.
the day didn't happen that way.
i had to make it through having a man in my house that will barely talk to me.  who had just been at an event with my ex.  with my eldest son who had just gone to a basketball game with my ex.  my ex is everywhere these days.  takes people everywhere.  you'd think that the more he does, the more i would want to compete, but frankly, it's just the opposite.  i just want to let it go.  let him wear himself out doing it all.
grandma's bday.  i had cheesecake.  celebrated in my own mind and heart.  didn't tell the crew.
it was a really hard day.
and yet, i made it.  that's pretty amazing.
blessings.

Pulling it Together

Here I sit, trying to pull it together.  Trying to take a breath.  The girls decided to have a party for me today.....inviting people over to my not only messy, but incredibly dirty home.  Seriously.  I was looking around this morning thinking how tired I am, how I just have to fight off this cold, how I will get to it all, but that at least I could rest today.  Then....the girls who had told me that they were cooking lunch inform me that we are having company.  Yikes.  Really?  I am weeping again.  Seriously?  I love them.  I will pull it together.  But the last thing I want to do is get up and entertain anyone.  My introvert self is in a horrible spin.  Trying to be loving and kind while at the same time trying to find peace.  Not easy at this moment.  I don't want to play games.  I don't want to interact with chit chat.  Kids would have been fine.  But they invited grown ups.  One of whom doesn't even speak to me anymore.  Goodness.  Fearless.  Trying.  But I am in a spin.  Like I can't get my balance.  I am so distressed.  I really don't want to do this.  Really.  At all.  Nope.  I want to go drive off and leave everyone to the "party", but I know that would hurt the girls.  So, here I am trying to make the best.  The living room and family rooms have been wrecked by the boys.  Dishes everywhere.  Floors a mess.  And no cozy place to be.  This is not what I wanted.  This is not what I want.  But this is what I have. So I have to pull it together.
My daughter wrapped her arms around me and told me she loves me.  She suddenly realized how hard it was going to be for me to interact...not just about the house, but about the people coming.  And she empathized.  She got it.  I saw it.  Guess that's the good that has come.
Knew I should have cleaned yesterday when I was so tired and it was snowy and I was just trying to rest.  I wasn't able to rest anyway.  Should have just skipped it.  

Brave some more.

So true.  The only way through anything is to be brave.  To stand up when I want to sit down...or lie down under a cozy blankie and wish the world away.  I can stand.  I have been given the strength to stand.  I am blessed beyond measure.  I am His and He is mine.  Bravely going forward....