Friends

You know, friends sure hold me up through a lot of things.  I am a christian woman.  I know that God desires the best for me.  I know that He loves me.  And, one of the most amazing things He has used in my life has been friends. 
But there is this part of my life where they can't go....or where they shouldn't have to.  Like it's too much.  So, I feel as if I walk alone there....physically.  I know that spiritually I am never alone.  But I don't want to sit around and b***** all of the time about how bad things are.  I don't want to have to try to explain or rationalize. 
So, I showed up at church today.  Stayed only for worship.  Left.  Nobody noticed.  And that's a little bit sad.  And what's more sad is that I was relieved by that.  I just couldn't face the empty greetings today.  I neeed to be still.  To listen.  Not to have to let people know that everything is ok so that it is ok for them too.  Isn't it funny how that is?  How sometimes we have to be ok for others?
I have the greatest friends in all of history.  I have a deep sense of how much God loves me and has a plan.  Yet, I still cannot go back.  Can't live with how things are.  So done with it. 
Not that everything will be perfect.  It's just that I need to be able to make my own messes.  Need to be able to be myself.  Without constant fear of what will happen.  I feel trapped.  I walk around my house avoiding rooms that he is in.  I try to be out when he is in.  In when he is out.  I desperately need rest.  Sleeping on the couch since July......not the most restful thing in the world.  Need a space somewhere.  A place where I can write or cry or laugh or study or be quiet or read or listen to music........and not be looked at all of the time as if I'm disappointing.  Can't stand that.
Money.  Yep.  Source of contention.  The tighter he gets the more I want to give it away.  Ha.  I know.  I sound like I'm three years old.  I just want to be the me I always was.  I share easily.  But, I gave, I tithed, I helped, and I gave myself.  But now, everyone thinks that it's him.  That he chose those good things.  He reaps the good of the things I do while making me feel like crap.  As he stood up singing in the worship choir today, I wondered if it bothers him how harsh he has been on his family all of these years.  It bothers him that it isn't what it "should" look like.  It bothers him about sex.  But, how can he live with being so hard on the people who continually adapted and tried to do well?
If I ever answer that, perhaps I'll be able to know exactly what to do.  Unstuck would be good.