Hiding

It's not a good thing.  Or maybe it is.  Hiding under the covers.  Hiding in a different room.  Hiding out at the store or in a parking lots.  Simply hiding.  I've gone from clutching the edge of the bed to sleeping in the living room.  Covering my head to not be disturbed in the morning when I might be "seen".  How can I be so incredibly uncomfortable in my own home?  But I know that I can't go back.  I have to get stronger.  I have been so crushed, so beaten down, that I had forgotten that I have abilities and that I have the right to have expectations.  And that guilt does not change that. 
I like peace.  I will do nearly anything to maintain it.  But I am getting cured.  I am choosing truth.  That's hard.  I like to get along.  Even if we don't agree.  But getting along shouldn't be about giving up yourself.  Completely.  Getting lost.  Being plowed under.  No, it should be about MUTUAL respect.  I'm afraid that I don't know much about that. 
He wants sex.  It's that simple.  It has nothing to do with me.  Or with what I want.  Or how I feel.  Or whether we are close.  And, if he wants it that badly, he'll have to get it elsewhere.  Makes me feel like a prostitute.  Nice to me when there's that desire and not other times.  Wants me to "enjoy" it so that he feels better.  How in the world did I get to a place in my life that everything is about someone else and I am the one who feels guilty when I don't comply?  I'm pretty sure that I made some big mistakes along the way in the name of being a christian wife, of being submissive, of trying to make a happy marriage.  I know I did. 
And I remember when I first realized it wasn't about me at all.  Not that I have to be the center, but somehow I thought that I had married and would be cherished. Ha.  I was mistaken. 
Over the years I have become more and more troubled.  Three years ago I was certain that we had to split.  But, though most wouldn't realize it, I am very patient.  Prayed and thought and decided to just give things time.  To wait and try and be truthful and see.  But, I still hid.  I still do.  I try to think of what I am afraid of.  I know he's not going to beat me.  Though he has made it obvious many times that he is much stronger than me and can always win a physical battle.  It's not that.  It's being so incredibly weary of the battling.  Of the twisted words and crap.  I just don't want to do it anymore.  But whenever I get "caught" out of my shell, here comes the barrage.  And I die a little bit.  I say that I won't battle.  He keeps after me..  Challenging.  Arguing.  Pushing.  But he won't go away.  Because to him that would be losing.  He can win.  I just wish he'd leave me be.
Grace