allowing change

i go kicking and screaming as far as some changes go.  i love my traditions.  i love relying on some things staying the same.
this year's vacation planning has knocked me out of my comfort zone.  i got the house. i thought i knew who would go.  i didn't.  i was clueless.  it wasn't in my power or control.  so, i let go.  i allowed it to be the possibility of only being my daughter and i.  a house rented...for 16...and nobody.  no one.  then, a friend could go.  then, a son.  then, two more sons.  then one son was out.  then another son was out.  then one son was back in.  the family that we have traveled with for over a decade was an out.  four.  small group.  then son back in.  with girlfriend.  then, another friend.  then, two grandkids.  there are now nine of us going.  not all i hoped.  i have lots of people i love.  but, still, god has worked it all out.
but i had to allow change.  i had to take a breath and know that it was all going to be ok.  i had to give myself permission to both be sad and to be happy that i was going regardless of whether others were going.  it has been quite a journey.
allow.
change.
because really, we don't have any choice.  and the stress and pain come more from fighting the change than from the change itself.
i love my friends.
i wish that i could pack them up and take them with me.
i wish that jobs and college and summer school and commitments didn't keep us from being together.  i love the time together.  i love the memories.  i love taking the time to value people in my life so that i can have no regrets.  none.
i want to live
i want to engage.
i want to risk.
i want to be with the people i love.
but i also want to adapt
when people can't
or won't
or choose not to
i still want to be happy.
and i'm learning.
but it doesn't mean that i don't miss.
it just means that i look for the blessing in what is while i mourn what there could have been.  and i enjoy the blessing.
taking grandkids on this trip.
going to be fun. and tiring.  that's ok.  the joy of seeing them see the ocean for the first time?  awesome.
four seats left in our cars.....wonder if anyone else will join up.

because

i am the person who makes the memory happen.
who desires the time together.
who sees the shortness of time.
who feels to my soul the necessity of saying the important words.

i make vacations for people i love.
and maybe it's stupid.
i don't know
but not to me.
because, to me, it is an investment in time.
it is set aside quality time.
it is a sense of tradition.
it is time to just be together.
adventure.
travel.
road trip.
out of the norm.
shared experience.

because life ends

but memories
traditions
laughter
adventure
courage

live on

and i invest in those

this year has been hard on me

feel like i've lost an awful lot of family

not many going on the birthday trip.
my "prize" to myself for making 50
for embracing the journey towards another 50
to living
really living
not worrying
just plugging away

i love that i can go now....
and come home still happy

a mom of my son's best friend dashed on
to heaven
this last week
swept away unexpectedly
by a river
and she left
being with her family
having memories

i want to do that.
i want to be adventurous.
i want to be kind.
that is all of the greatness that i hope to achieve.
but i let a lot of people down for a long time
they view me as harsh

i'm not
i know it

as i wept this week freely
frequently
i remembered my huge sense of empathy
i had to put it away when i was married for a time
had to
or i wouldn't have survived
had to put on a shell
but now i don't

and it's fun getting to know people as me
fun laughing
fun being kind and gentle
and totally vulnerable
fun

but i miss my family people
a lot

i just
can't make it happen
anymore

i had to let go

because

if people don't say yes
that's their choice

and if i invite and desire
and wish and even
weep
but they choose something else
i have to
keep walking
keep making memories
keep loving
keep learning
keep knowing
life is short

very short
and goodbyes
always come too soon
and though it is in me
to passionately embrace the time
and make things happen with those i love
they don't all have that same desire
they find me odd
intrusive
or in the way

and don't call
or respond to invites
or respond no
most every time

i tried so hard for this trip
50 is big
50 is a blessing
50 should be a huge celebration

and i chose this for me
and i'll do it
and i'll squeeze every moment out of it
and i'll invite
and some will come
and some won't

i have a friend
that it terrifies me to lose someday
i know that in that moment of loss
i'll barely be able to stand
really
and yet
in some ways
it feels that the loss has begun
i am in a place of wanting to build
and be together
and my friend
is in a different place
i hope
for the someday
when things feel aright

because
family
friends
great friends
they need to be appreciated
held close
to the heart
celebrated
regularly
and never taken forgranted

because

goodbye does come
and it hurts
but a little less
if we took the time
when we had it

blessings.

breaking heart

my 23 year old's best friend's mom died today.  suddenly.  unexpectedly.  she drowned.  i follow her facebook page.  she is...was.....so fun loving.  a smile.  a cheerful heart.  photos of soaking in and enjoying life with her husband and kids.  and i have bawled.  my heart breaks for that young man.  his mama was his anchor..his port.
his biological dad died when he was only in high school.  now, at the age of 23 he has lost both parents.  he has a step dad that adores him.  he has sisters.  but he and his mom..they were close.
and it got me thinking about how driven i am to make the memories.  to take the time.  to spend on a trip when really, not going could mean more money for other things.
but the memories.  the time.  the time away.  together.  with friends. with family.  it's worth it.  because you never know.  ever.
and taking time out.  taking time away.  it's necessary.

remnants

as of late, i have continued my journey in relationships.  having spent 20+ years with someone who treated me so unkindly led me to a place where i began to accept as normal being....overlooked, unappreciated, and somehow only worth the leftovers.  the crumbs.  the extras.
and it hurts my heart.  desperately.
because i've come to see in my life that i've allowed and expected it for so long that those that i have thought of as dear friends have become used to it as well.  and i am an afterthought. i am one to call if you need something.  i am one who will jump and be available.  i am someone who will put aside other stuff so that you can have what you want or need.  i am a person who values time and conversation with people.  i will work hard to find out if you are ok.  to find out how you are.  and if i am shut out on one front, i will pursue accept that but will still look for common ground.  i will work hard.  too hard, actually.
it's funny in a not so haha way.
just.  well.  odd.
someone said yes to me the other day.  no hedging.  no thinking.  just, "sure, let me grab my purse, tell my kids and husband and i'll go to dinner with you.".  it was a big deal.  it shouldn't be such a big deal.  it should happen more.  i should have people in life that ask me.  and when i ask that they say yes.  without me thinking that it's an inconvenience for me to have asked.  that hurts me deeply.  because that's how my ex was.  didn't have time to sit down with me.  always too "busy".  always that i was not valuable enough to deserve direct attention.  unless he was getting something.  or needed something.  or was stressed.  and i gave it.  and i did it willingly.  and i reminded myself that that's what love does.
but over time.  over these three years being apart.  well, i've seen more relationships.  i've prayed.  i've studied.  i've gotten out there and met some people.  and i've found that it's not normal.  it's not what i should expect.  when i ask someone to go for a drink or come over for a coffee or just to visit,i shouldn't feel like they are doing me a favor.  i am more valuable than that.
i am worth more than the leftover time.
i think.
because, frankly,
obviously i'm not.
because if i was that valuable, at least to them, it would not be that way.  i'm not unloved.  not despised.  just not valuable enough to be a priority.  i am someone that they speak to on their free time, not the one that they free up time to speak with.
and i know.
i'm annoying.
i'm a little weird.  or more.
i'm socially awkward.
but.
i'm valuable.
i'm loyal.
i'm kind.
i'm generous
i'm bright.
i'm creative.
i'm helpful.
i'm fun.
i'm willing.
i'm thoughtful.
i'm caring.
i'm strong.
i'm wise.
i'm me.
all of the bad and good mixed in.  ad i can't be anything else.
i'm just this package.
and so,
remnants.
of time.
of conversation.
of relationships.
and i give so much to those who keep me at arms length.
and love still.
fully and with all of my heart.
willingly.
because
it's who i am.
but.  i'm learning that there are people at there who think i'm worth more.  people who show up.  who answer.  who call.  who say yes.
and it shouldn't be such a shock.  it shouldn't bring tears  it shouldn't make me stand a little taller.
it should just be what friends and family do.
remnants.
they are something.  and sometimes they are all people have to give.  but, i have a feeling that i let it go on for too long when it was my only expectation.  i was so used to being there, to doing for, to working for others to make things work that i fed that in others.  and now....i find myself....bereft.  with nobody to blame but myself
but.
i don't blame myself.
i choose not to.
i choose happy.
every day.
i choose joy.
every day.
i choose.
life.
i choose to make whole the remnants with filling in the blanks.
i don't know if i'll always be able to.
but for now.
remnants they may be.
i may not be sought out or treasured.
yet,
my goal in life is not to be that.
my goal is to be kind.
to be remembered for being so very kind.
i have a long way to go.
and so i wake up every day with the goal.
with a new heart.
i forget...
they don't know i've changed.
with hard work.
and choices.
they don't know that i have done deep heart work.
and they don't know that it hurts.
remnants from some are worth as much or more than the whole from others.
it's a choice.
it is what it is.
remnants make the best quilts.
blessings to all....