because

i am the person who makes the memory happen.
who desires the time together.
who sees the shortness of time.
who feels to my soul the necessity of saying the important words.

i make vacations for people i love.
and maybe it's stupid.
i don't know
but not to me.
because, to me, it is an investment in time.
it is set aside quality time.
it is a sense of tradition.
it is time to just be together.
adventure.
travel.
road trip.
out of the norm.
shared experience.

because life ends

but memories
traditions
laughter
adventure
courage

live on

and i invest in those

this year has been hard on me

feel like i've lost an awful lot of family

not many going on the birthday trip.
my "prize" to myself for making 50
for embracing the journey towards another 50
to living
really living
not worrying
just plugging away

i love that i can go now....
and come home still happy

a mom of my son's best friend dashed on
to heaven
this last week
swept away unexpectedly
by a river
and she left
being with her family
having memories

i want to do that.
i want to be adventurous.
i want to be kind.
that is all of the greatness that i hope to achieve.
but i let a lot of people down for a long time
they view me as harsh

i'm not
i know it

as i wept this week freely
frequently
i remembered my huge sense of empathy
i had to put it away when i was married for a time
had to
or i wouldn't have survived
had to put on a shell
but now i don't

and it's fun getting to know people as me
fun laughing
fun being kind and gentle
and totally vulnerable
fun

but i miss my family people
a lot

i just
can't make it happen
anymore

i had to let go

because

if people don't say yes
that's their choice

and if i invite and desire
and wish and even
weep
but they choose something else
i have to
keep walking
keep making memories
keep loving
keep learning
keep knowing
life is short

very short
and goodbyes
always come too soon
and though it is in me
to passionately embrace the time
and make things happen with those i love
they don't all have that same desire
they find me odd
intrusive
or in the way

and don't call
or respond to invites
or respond no
most every time

i tried so hard for this trip
50 is big
50 is a blessing
50 should be a huge celebration

and i chose this for me
and i'll do it
and i'll squeeze every moment out of it
and i'll invite
and some will come
and some won't

i have a friend
that it terrifies me to lose someday
i know that in that moment of loss
i'll barely be able to stand
really
and yet
in some ways
it feels that the loss has begun
i am in a place of wanting to build
and be together
and my friend
is in a different place
i hope
for the someday
when things feel aright

because
family
friends
great friends
they need to be appreciated
held close
to the heart
celebrated
regularly
and never taken forgranted

because

goodbye does come
and it hurts
but a little less
if we took the time
when we had it

blessings.