happy

happy that  i am planning for my beach trip next week.

happy  that i have kids going.

happy that there are friends going.

happy that it oregon.

happy that i have people to take care of things home side while i play.

happy that my kids like road trips  

happy

happy that i am here in my quiet room.  m

my room.

happy that i am getting ready to water the garden.

happy for peaceful sleep.

happy that i wake up knowing that god has all things under control.

i'm happy.

though i am not many things that seem easy for others.

though i fail often...and sometimes in an epic fashion.

though things are not easy.

though life isn't always kind.

happy.
content.
at peace.
full of joy.


god blesses abundantly.
generously.
when i don't even know it's coming.
i had no idea how he would make it possible to go on the trip to oregon
but he did.
i didn't know how to navigate the difficulties of teaching, but he has walked with me.
i wasn't able to do many things.  but he made me able.
i am truly blessed.  upheld.  and joy full.
on to this day.
blessings.

sorry

i lived for so long where mistakes or disagreements made life so hard.  i learned to work hard to make things right.  to fix it.  to own it.  but frankly, it never did much good.   there was payment to be made.  had to be put back in my place.  made to see how awful i'd been.  it was long and trying.  he would cry.  he would do whatever it took to make me feel sorry for him.  and it's hard for me now.  i do things that are wrong.  i act like an arse.  and i can be forgiven.  but.   i ......am...still...in...recovery. after over two years.
today i had decided that it was vacation and i should take the to do list off of my mind. take a day off.  do something  fun and different.  be involved. but it didn't work out.  i don't seem to get the intricacies of involvement.  sometimes i wonder why i'm so different and can't get what other people do.  but, it's not something i can change, so i'll just have to learn to like myself and just kind of steel myself against it when i just don't connect.  don't manage to understand how it is to be included.  to be sought out.  because i am not.  too awkward, i think.
but, though that is true, i must work on getting out and living.  experiencing.  how else can i do what god has planned?  hard.  but good.  i used to have people who wanted to be with me.  who called. who said yes if i called.  somehow, i think that i've been damaged so that i bother people.  and all i can think is that i'm healing as quickly as i can..though it feels so slow.  still, i'm healing.  i lived through much.  i ache.  i am traumatized in some  ways.  it comes out when i least expect it.
so, i am chronically sorry. sorry that i can't be what i wish i was so that i could get what i need in connection with others.  but i am where i am.  just how it is.
maybe i'll just quit being sorry.
i don't know.
i am actually kind.
but i don't show it very well.
i just mostly feel sorry for all i lost in giving so much to someone who hurt me so terribly.
and i feel dumb.
sigh.
up and at em.  go and do what i can do.

peace

my grandma is in a nursing home.  i haven't seen her since she told me that she had to choose my uncle because he took care of her.  i used to swing by, but it was awkward at best since i wasn't invited.  and when she was invited....it was troubling for her.  so, i would call her some.  until i didn't reach her anymore.
my dad is alive and healthy by all accounts.  living in a home that must be paid for or nearly paid for.  with his "new family" that he got after my mom died, he left my stepmom and me.  he went on and lived a life that was free from the constant reminders of his guilty feelings.  and he did it well.  he loved his son, ran a business and was faithful to his common law wife.  he changed his life.  that's pretty amazing.
and when i see people that i haven't seen, they ask the awkward questions that always infer that my ex was quite a catch and what was i thinking to divorce him.  and i don't choose to badmouth.  though it causes them to see me as tarnished.  more sinful.  though they don't give compassion.
my last son is leaving home.  one left at home...my only girl.  and raising my kids has been a pleasure.and heartbreaking.  because the goal is to let them go. to let them fly.  to let them decide.  to let them break away.  to even encourage it.  and it brings me joy.  and pain.
and i feel invisible in my world.  like i am not seen at all.  but i am here.  i am beloved.  and that should be enough.  but sometimes, i long for what others have.  to have people call or write.  to be reached out to because i am deemed worthy in some way....not because i performed, but because they see me.
but all of these things are ok.  somehow things are simply ok.  there is peace in my heart.  down to my toes.  i have learned that i can't control or predict.  all i can do is choose who i want to be and how i want to live.  what people think...even of me...is none of my business.  i can enjoy a sunrise and a sunset.  i can see the beauty in the turn of a leaf.  i thrill at the sound of birds or waves or a river.  and sometimes i desperately wish that someone would want to hang out with me and share those little things.  i wish that life wasn't all about business and what needs to be planned or talked about or work that needs to be done.  but i can't change that.  so, what i can do is take the drives.  see the beauty.  enjoy it.  cherish it.  be who i am.  even if nobody sees it.
peace.  it's a marvelous gift.  i treasure it.
blessings.

my great grandmother

when i was only in college, my great grandmother had dementia.  she had to move in with my grandparents.  she was a kindly old lady. a real southern belle.  she was polite and gentle.  but, dementia is cruel...and sometimes, a stubborn, irritable, mean woman came out.  i had loved being with my great grandma when i was a child.  she was up for adventures and walks.  she read to me.  she told stories.  she listened to me.  she was a lovely lady that i saw once a year or so.  but, she was living with my grandparents.  living where i lived in summertime.  so, between freshman and sophomore year, they told me that when i came home in the summer, they would like to leave her with me for a couple of weeks while they traveled to vancouver, b.c.  ok.  that seemed fine.
it was fine.
but it was different.
she would put on layers of clothes, often with the undergarments on the outside.  she would forget to bathe.  she didn't want me to remind her.  that was hurtful to her.  she still remained enough to remember that she was supposed to be the older one.
she would wake me up at two in the morning thinking that she hadn't eaten breakfast. or dinner. or lunch.  she would eat and go away and come back to eat.
she could still be genteel.  a tiny little woman.  petite.  loved her siamese cat.  loved children.  she had taught kindergarten.  and, in those later years, those children were who she remembered well.  a child would come over some days, even in the end times, for her to read to.
but in our time together, she was far from being the faithful, loving, kind example i had known. she was often more like a petulant toddler.  and i felt awkward.  i was a caretaker.
but.  then.
but then.
but then i changed my mind.
i was not her caretaker.
i was someone who loved her.
she was someone who like adventures.
who needed to get out.
she loved people.
so.
we.
went out to eat.
went to the movies.
went for drives in the mountains.
went bowling...that was kind of too loud for her.....
saw people.
mostly people my age.
i included her.
i decided that life was more than just making sure someone bathes or eats at certain times.  it was about still getting to participate.
and one time we went out with her slip on the outside of her skirt.  she insisted that it was beautiful and right.  and much like when we love a toddler, i decided to focus on what was important.
it was more trouble than going out alone.
i had to move slower.
i had to think about whether we needed a wheelchair or not.
frankly, it was much of what she had to do when i was a small child and she took me on walks through the mountains.  making sure i had a snack and a drink, a jacket and proper clothes.  she never made it seem like a big deal.  so...i didn't either.
i was remembering back on those days, these 25 years later and i was cherishing them.
it reminded me something about myself.  i like helping people thrive.  not just survive.  i like giving them a reason to smile.  a reason to be tired.  i like it.
i'm not so great at cutting their toe nails and such.  though, i will do it.  but i see their spirit.  and i like seeing it soar once more.
not much later, i went away to finish college in texas while my great grandma remained in colorado.  she had been moved to a home environment facility.  she regularly "escaped" when they tried a regular nursing home facility.  she moved where there were children and dogs.  a family.  she thought that they were hers.  and then, she was gone.  she passed away.  and she left me quite rich.
nope.  no pennies.  nor dollars.  she left me memories.   she left me with something that would come back to me a quarter of a century later and show me a little bit more about who i am.
she was beautiful.
i am blessed.
oh, and she left me books of clippings of poems and sayings that were encouraging...and to this day....i love those kinds of things.
blessings.

unfriend

i unfriended someone on social media today.  the woman that wrote me about my divorce and told me how i've been a taker and not a giver.  she told me how "the group" has discussed it and i never contributed.  i waited for 11 days.  i thought about what she said.  i talked to two people about it.  one reminded me that it's silly to worry about what other people think.  the other one said that but also asked me why i've kept the woman as a friend.  she pointed out that the woman has not been supportive or kind or even civil.  she told me that i should guard against that.  be wise.  so, after a couple more days of thinking it over, i got up this morning and unfriended the woman.  she's not blocked and could write to me, but she won't be able to read and ridicule my posts.
what's funny to me is how difficult that is for me and how she accused me of giving up so easily. ha.  she was accusing me while being the recipient of my trying to keep the peace and make things right.  sharing what was on her mind didn't bother me.  what bothered me was that the dialogue wasn't with the purpose of reconciling, of finding common ground.  it was simply to degrade, guilt and bully.  ohhhh yea...i already did that for many years and i shouldn't go back to it.
today was a victory.  yippee.
blessings.

Cemetery

Went to see the fam yesterday....at the cemetery.  It was ok.  I was happy.  It was a moment to look back...and to look forward.  This last week was hard because of all of the crap thrown at me about who I am.  But, I know who I am.  I know where I come from.  And it's time to keep on going.  I've got skills. I've got blessings.  I've got a thankful heart.  And, I have the freedom to live again. I wasn't sad to go to the cemetery.  I am sad about some things.  I am sad about how Christians have treated me in the past two years.  I am sad that I don't have "family".  But, I'm good.  I'm happy.  I'm content.  I'm growing.  I'm learning.

I

am


Joy


Full.


Full to the top.  Love this blessing of life.

blessings to you.

I need

It's hard for me....to say...those words...I need

Not because I don't need.  Not because I'm ashamed, but because I know that when I say them, I REALLY  mean that I need something.  But others use them so casually that they don't hear NEED, they hear WANT.  And those words open me up to hurt.  They make me so very vulnerable.

Here I sit with tears streaming down my face when nothing is horribly wrong.  It's just that I NEEDED something.  And I can't ever make myself known in that way.  I allow my need to be viewed as something that can wait or is not that important.  Yes, I allow it.  I was well trained for many years.  And the people in my life from those years expect that from me.

What I really need is to be seen.  To be heard.  To be validated.  Instead, I get put off, or placated.  I am never the first importance, I am always somewhere down the list.  Sometimes I wish for that "yes" without hesitation without excuse.  I wish that when I actually manage to get past my mouth the words "I need" for people to stop and really listen.  Because by the time I am able to say it, it has been crushing my heart for awhile.  I don't demand a lot.  I don't want to.  I have no desire to be selfish.

I just sometimes have this remembering of being invisible.  And I hate it.  I refuse to be invisible.

But today, I want to give up.  I don't feel brave.  I feel....uneasy.  I feel like I need to do this thing, but that stepping forward all alone is so difficult.  Why is it that I'm expected to do it alone?  I am a community person.  I love unity.  Sigh.  When you call three friends and you never connect with what you need, it's.....disheartening.  Never time to put out there the important things.  It's like drive by friendships...just share quick, necessary information and keep going.  No heart connections.  My heart feels like it sits outside of the cave that it once lived in.

I took a lot of crap last weekend.  I worked hard all week.  I dealt with kid stuff.  I'm just emotional.  And I need a friendly place to say that I am.  I need a place to laugh and have fun.  But, the fact is that my phone doesn't ring.  My mailbox is empty.  And when I say I have a need, I get "maybe".

Those are facts.  It's time to own those facts.  I need to keep myself from going back INSIDE the cave.  But, it's hard.

There it is.  Vulnerable.  Just how I should be.  It hurts like heck  It's real.  And it has to be dealt with.  And I will.  Because I love well.  And I am a good friend.  And even if I have trained these friends that I am an aside, I really am not.

Off to live life.  To love deeply.  Even when it hurts.
blessings.

Going back...going forward

Today, I'm going to do some going back to go forward things.  I am going to go to the cemetery and see my mom's grave.
I am thinking that I might go see my dad's house.  I don't even know if he still lives there.  But, maybe.  I don't really plan on seeing him, but I guess we'll see.  It has been a really long time.  I don't remember when.  Probably almost ten years ago.
I looked through old photos.  There were two boxes of my mom's hair from when she was a child.  Hair in a box kind of freaks me out, but I do have to say that the color was worth salvaging.   An amazing red.  Copper looking.  Gorgeous.  Sometimes, I see how plain I was to my grandma in comparison to my vibrant mother.  She lost my cheerleader, redheaded, dancing, prom queen mother...and got rather bland me.  I don't think that she meant for it to affect how she loved me, but it did.  Can't really blame her.  My mom was raised confident.  She was raised to perform in front of others.  I was raised to stay out of the way.  Nobody meant for that to happen, it was just the great losses of the time that affected everyone.
So, now.  In this time.  Right now.  I've been realizing that I love my mom so much still.  Though nobody else around knew her.  Though nobody can share my grief or memories with me.  I love her.  She was my hero.  She was joy in my life.  She laughed.  And she played.  She sang.  She was my mom.   Only for a very brief time.  Too brief.  Cut short.
But today, I go to say goodbye.  Again.  And, strangely, hello.  To a new kind of memory.  To remembering her vibrance.  To remembering how she gave me such joy.  To her memory.
And today, I lay to rest the wonderings about where my dad is.  It's time.
I need to do it.  It has been on my mind for weeks.  But, I'm a little shakey.

Off to do the brave.  Off to create good in my life.
blessings.

Happiness Looks Great On You

That's what my Dove chocolate wrapper said today. Oh, wait, that is what the wrapper that someone gave me said...no chocolate...only the message.  The best part.  It's so true.  Happiness is like wearing fine silk.  Or beautiful linen.  It's the color in the cheeks.  The health in the bones.  Happiness is strength in the bones.  It bubbles up and bursts out in smiles and laughter.  It puts a spring in step and breath in the lungs.  It gives strength.  And courage.
Happiness looks great on me.
I spent so very long unhappy.  Miserably so.  Horribly so.  Trying.  Forcing myself to do what I ws supposed to do.  Praying to be a better wife.  Praying to actually make him happy.  Praying for peace.  Praying to be someone worthy of being accepted.  Being content.  That was my goal...constantly...to learn to be content with what was.
Trying.
Trying to be.
Trying to be happy.
To be ok with what was.
To...excuse.
To make excuses for him
To be more loving.
To pray more.
To be more like Christ.
To serve more.
MMMiiissserable.
Dying on the inside.
And trying to be happy.
Joyful.
But then.
Finally.
I couldn't do it.
I was beaten.
My happy, smiling, joyful, fun self had been destroyed.
It was so sad.
I was invisible.
I was unheard.
I was shamed.
I was guilted.
I was ridiculed.
I was diminished.
And my being happy didn't matter a bit to him.
He laughed at me when I said that I wanted to be happy.
He told me that it was selfish.
He told me that he hadn't thought that I was beautiful.
He told me I was irresponsible.
He told me I was selfish.
He told me so many things.
But how he treated me was the part that destroyed me.
I was a commitment.
An obligation.
He was a good man because he was keeping his commitment.
But one day, I thought "what if".
And eventually, I found my way back to the living.
I am so very happy.
And I don't succumb to people's crap anymore.
I'm alive.
I'm full of hope.
I'm full of joy.
I'm happy.
Genuinely happy.
And
Happy looks great on me.
I feel so blessed.

me

who i long to be.
me.
at the core of who i am.
not the total of my actions only.
me.
inside.
my thoughts combined
with my deeds.
my intentions alongside
others' perceptions.
i long to be forgiving.
honest about my mistakes.
honest about the things i did/do on purpose.
full of laughter.
surrounded by those who assume good intentions.
blessed by love.
full of courage.
giving.
generous.
helpful.
thoughtful.
friendly.
encouraging.
gentle.
peaceful.
strong.
wise.
who i long to be.
what i value.
hold dear.
someone attacked those things with great fervor.
and it hurt.
and it hurts.
but
it doesn't change who i long to be.
who i know i am.
even if it's not seen yet.
may the good of who i was created to be become evident
through the years
and may i give more than i take from this world.
from my friends.
i fear that i do not.
that there are more lurking out there
waiting to crush me with how i disappointed them
in the long ago.
i tremble.
and then i rise.
to make today a day that won't be one of those things to hold against me in the future.
to give love.
to help.
to be brave.
and yet....
today,
crushing as it was...
i just need a hug.
and i am hurting.
and how do i tell someone that i need to be held onto.
even though i am a failure
because i am a failure.
don't know.
i'll eat lunch.
i'll take a nap.
i'll recover.
slowly.
i will learn to be that me.
the me that i don't regret.
even if others do.
blessings.

forgiving

i find that in life a lot goes on beneath the surface.  i have found recently that i have done things that hurt people when i pursued my divorce.  it wasn't intentional.  the actions were not done with the intention to harm.  yet, i wounded.  i am responsible.  and i asked for forgiveness.  and there was a tirade.  generalizations about my character.  some truth in what was said.  some simple anger.  towards me.  from years ago.  and it all began because i invited some people to my son's grad party.  it took a long time to get to the point.  a lot of finger pointing and venting.  but finally...."it's using our group for you to invite us to your party but not tell us why you broke your family apart."  oh, i get it.  and i do.  i said so.  i told the person that it was good that she told me what she needed to say.  i also hurt her friend's feelings.  i told her that i didn't owe her an apology for that.  i told her that i had to deal with one person about one person.  i owned what i did in the past to the extent that i can...some, i just don't even know what she means.
but, it was all harrowing and painful...for me.  because i do care.
she says that i'm a user and only a user.  that i don't give.  ouch.  she had a list. much of it had nothing to do with me.  but it comes down to me having invited them to my son's party but not letting them in on my reasoning for divorce. "as he didn't beat or cheat, we have no good reason" to see why you divorced him.  oh. ok.  and because of that, she couldn't come to my party in good conscience without silently supporting my decision.  ok, got it.
what a mess.
i unraveled feelings.  i listened to it all.  and i apologized for what i could, though i knew it wasn't something that would help.  i worked hard not to generalize.  not to name call.  to use "i" statements.  i told her when i finally got what she really wanted to say.  i looked at it from her point of view.  i said how i'd missed the fact that i would be asking them to support me and that i had just thought that they should be invited because of the other graduate.
it was grueling.
and it was painful.
and some of it was true.
and some of it was not.
a lot of it was strange.
she pulled in others.
i tried to stay with what was between her and me.
i apologized for how i spoke for anyone else in the past and said that i have had a lot of hard lessons to learn.  that i have done much wrong.  but that i am also trying to live differently.
but.  now what?
i could hate myself.
i could live with shame hovering over me.
i could throw in the towel and give up.
i have worked so hard.
i have prayed.
i have grown.
i have chosen to stand back up.
yet, she says that i act like a victim all of the time and always have.
she says that i don't contribute but only take from others.
she says that i don't have a right to choose what to share if i want someone's presence in my life.
she says that i hurt her friend and that it was over the top crap.
and my mind reeled.
and then i stopped.
still.
breathing.
listening.
waiting.
and remembering.
god knew all of the ways i did things wrong.
all of the ways i blew it.
and he wasn't surprised.
and he doesn't turn from me.
and i have to learn to forgive myself.
and move on and do better.
live better.
earn trust where i may.
allow myself to change.
i DID blow a lot of things.
i DO blow a lot of things.
but i'm allowed to forgive myself and start again.
i'm allowed to live in hope.
and joy.
and peace.
even if i've made a mess that i can't fix.
i can only go on in life and try to earn trust and respect.
and i can't live trying to get that.
i have to live doing what is right.
and good.
and i have to keep on going.
and i have to make amends where i can.
to others.
and for me?
i have to forgive myself.
or i will cripple myself walking forward.
forgive.
me.
again.
for doing things i knew and things i didn't.
rough night.
better day.
going to garden.
and pray.
and be still.
and look at truth.
and repent from what i have done without belittling my life or it's purpose.
blessings.

my word

this year, my word is create.  i wondered about it, but it was clearly my word.  so, i have embraced it.  it is a beautiful word.  it is a fulfilling word.  it has so many meanings.
but, today, my word became clearer to me.  i was working on primitive furniture.  cleaning.  sanding.  scraping.  painting.  sanding...again.  finding the character again.  sealing.  buffing.  you know...WORKING.  creating.  and listening.  to god.  hearing his words in scriptures long memorized.  thinking on blessings.  sensing his presence.  delighting in his pleasure. working.  but...resting.  breathing.  taking time.  enjoying.  just like when i garden or water my garden.  creating something beautiful.  at least to me.
but, today, there was something more.  i realized that in that creating time, my heart is calm.  my mind is at rest.  i am working, but i'm not "busy".  and i realized that in creating, it helps me to connect back with my creator.  that he chose this word for me to remind me how i'm wired.  how i need creating time to connect better with him.  and that was a truly beautiful moment.  it was an answer.  it was a promise.  it was a reminder.
this has been a good year of growth.
i am genuinely happy.
and working also reminded me of how god deals with me.  with my scars and bruises.  he takes me.  cleans me.  clothes me.  makes me smell better.  but then, he allows my scars to become  marksshow that draw people in.  that show my story.  just like the old pieces that  i work with.  i did a bookshelf that had been a built in.  gave it a thorough cleaning.  painted it.  then began the fun part.  i began sanding and scraping to find the things that had made it unique.  that had drawn me to it in the first place.  the things that showed where it had been.  that gave it flair.  that showed it's personality.  it was pretty painted, but when the imperfections were highlighted, it was fabulous.  i sealed it.  as god does with me.  using the imperfections to tell a story.  to draw people in.
i am blessed.
so very blessed.
may you be as well.
grace to you.

25 situps

I did it.  25.  Used to be that would be a breeze. Not anymore.  I can get there again.  I want to.  I want to feel fit.  I like the feeling of walking with  a spring in my step and being able to suck in my gut. Not for anyone. Not even for clothes.  Just that I like how I feel.  That, all in itself, is a very good thing. I also did a fifteen second plank.  And a couple of ten second leg lifts.  My gut is gonna ache.  In a very good way.
I eat so much better.  And I never worry about what I should eat.  I want to eat well.  Less sugar tastes good.  Well, except for that Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade that I'm having tonight.  I know.  It kinda defeats the purpose....but, I would have had the Mike's anyway.  The exercise can only help.
I have been pushing so hard these last months.  I overcame so much this last year in school.  In just the last month, I have done more than most can possibly realize.  And I'm tired. And I am hurting.  Though I keep going, the jabs and pokes recently have taken a toll .  Next week, I'll have more time to rest.  I need it.  Real rest.  Not the kind where resting means that I'm failing to do something that I should be doing.
But, in the midst of it all, I've met this great goal.  And I plan to keep on adding to it.  I am following a calendar for a 30 day ab workout.
I'm going to make it.
Just needed to say that it feels like I deserve a medal for doing so. :)
blessings.

Change

I have found my voice.  Yesterday, I heard, again, from a dear christian woman who writes me at spaced out intervals to inquire upon my movement towards reconciling my marriage.  I was stabbed through. She doesn't write to inquire of me.  Or to spend time with me.  She doesn't inquire as to my reasons.  She doesn't leave room for God having a plan with where I am now.  She doesn't care for me...she cares for an agenda that she believes God charges her with.  And I wept.  And I was struck through.  And I wondered if ever there will be a time that a person from my very own church would be there.  Would stop and really ask how I am.  I wondered if the joy that I have found would matter.  I shuddered.  I ached.
I have had already a lifetime of hurt.  I have endured through many hardships.  I have prayed and believed.  Had faith.  Learned more deeply of the love God.  Learned.  Grown.
And yet, in marriage, I was so near being destroyed.  I walked alone.  I gave my heart and soul to making it work.  To pray.  To change.  To be better.
And finally.  I was done.
But yesterday, I was reminded again that I was a disappointment.
And earlier in the week, having a phone conversation, I heard that someone didn't come to the graduation party at my house because my not being married and having the inlaws there.  It would be too uncomfortable for them.  The person was explaining for another person...and reminded me that there would be many events like this in the future and that I'd have to get used to it.  Painful.  Very.
I love the person who spoke the words.  But, again, there was no consideration of me in the equation.
I wonder when I became a nobody to people.  I wonder when they began to think of me as someone deserving of discomfort.  And I realized that it's when I finally stuck up for myself and said no to anymore life of despair and hopelessness.  And when I did that, they decided that I didn't have reason enough.  And that they would fix me.
But instead of falling down this time and taking what was said, I wrote the woman and told her that she has no right to speak into my life.  It was hard.  I prefer to be kind. But, that's how it is.  So, I did it.
What gets me is that it's as if nobody stands between those who condemn.  and me.  I stand on the  frontline alone.
But, stand, I will.
For, it is the only way to live.  I  must do it if I want to live.  And I want to live.
So, I've had to change.  Adapt.  Figure out how to help others, do the things that lift and still bear the pain.  I never knew how strong I am.
Change.
It hurts.
blessings.