It's hard for me....to say...those words...I need
Not because I don't need. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I know that when I say them, I REALLY mean that I need something. But others use them so casually that they don't hear NEED, they hear WANT. And those words open me up to hurt. They make me so very vulnerable.
Here I sit with tears streaming down my face when nothing is horribly wrong. It's just that I NEEDED something. And I can't ever make myself known in that way. I allow my need to be viewed as something that can wait or is not that important. Yes, I allow it. I was well trained for many years. And the people in my life from those years expect that from me.
What I really need is to be seen. To be heard. To be validated. Instead, I get put off, or placated. I am never the first importance, I am always somewhere down the list. Sometimes I wish for that "yes" without hesitation without excuse. I wish that when I actually manage to get past my mouth the words "I need" for people to stop and really listen. Because by the time I am able to say it, it has been crushing my heart for awhile. I don't demand a lot. I don't want to. I have no desire to be selfish.
I just sometimes have this remembering of being invisible. And I hate it. I refuse to be invisible.
But today, I want to give up. I don't feel brave. I feel....uneasy. I feel like I need to do this thing, but that stepping forward all alone is so difficult. Why is it that I'm expected to do it alone? I am a community person. I love unity. Sigh. When you call three friends and you never connect with what you need, it's.....disheartening. Never time to put out there the important things. It's like drive by friendships...just share quick, necessary information and keep going. No heart connections. My heart feels like it sits outside of the cave that it once lived in.
I took a lot of crap last weekend. I worked hard all week. I dealt with kid stuff. I'm just emotional. And I need a friendly place to say that I am. I need a place to laugh and have fun. But, the fact is that my phone doesn't ring. My mailbox is empty. And when I say I have a need, I get "maybe".
Those are facts. It's time to own those facts. I need to keep myself from going back INSIDE the cave. But, it's hard.
There it is. Vulnerable. Just how I should be. It hurts like heck It's real. And it has to be dealt with. And I will. Because I love well. And I am a good friend. And even if I have trained these friends that I am an aside, I really am not.
Off to live life. To love deeply. Even when it hurts.
blessings.
Not because I don't need. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I know that when I say them, I REALLY mean that I need something. But others use them so casually that they don't hear NEED, they hear WANT. And those words open me up to hurt. They make me so very vulnerable.
Here I sit with tears streaming down my face when nothing is horribly wrong. It's just that I NEEDED something. And I can't ever make myself known in that way. I allow my need to be viewed as something that can wait or is not that important. Yes, I allow it. I was well trained for many years. And the people in my life from those years expect that from me.
What I really need is to be seen. To be heard. To be validated. Instead, I get put off, or placated. I am never the first importance, I am always somewhere down the list. Sometimes I wish for that "yes" without hesitation without excuse. I wish that when I actually manage to get past my mouth the words "I need" for people to stop and really listen. Because by the time I am able to say it, it has been crushing my heart for awhile. I don't demand a lot. I don't want to. I have no desire to be selfish.
I just sometimes have this remembering of being invisible. And I hate it. I refuse to be invisible.
But today, I want to give up. I don't feel brave. I feel....uneasy. I feel like I need to do this thing, but that stepping forward all alone is so difficult. Why is it that I'm expected to do it alone? I am a community person. I love unity. Sigh. When you call three friends and you never connect with what you need, it's.....disheartening. Never time to put out there the important things. It's like drive by friendships...just share quick, necessary information and keep going. No heart connections. My heart feels like it sits outside of the cave that it once lived in.
I took a lot of crap last weekend. I worked hard all week. I dealt with kid stuff. I'm just emotional. And I need a friendly place to say that I am. I need a place to laugh and have fun. But, the fact is that my phone doesn't ring. My mailbox is empty. And when I say I have a need, I get "maybe".
Those are facts. It's time to own those facts. I need to keep myself from going back INSIDE the cave. But, it's hard.
There it is. Vulnerable. Just how I should be. It hurts like heck It's real. And it has to be dealt with. And I will. Because I love well. And I am a good friend. And even if I have trained these friends that I am an aside, I really am not.
Off to live life. To love deeply. Even when it hurts.
blessings.
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