my grandma is in a nursing home. i haven't seen her since she told me that she had to choose my uncle because he took care of her. i used to swing by, but it was awkward at best since i wasn't invited. and when she was invited....it was troubling for her. so, i would call her some. until i didn't reach her anymore.
my dad is alive and healthy by all accounts. living in a home that must be paid for or nearly paid for. with his "new family" that he got after my mom died, he left my stepmom and me. he went on and lived a life that was free from the constant reminders of his guilty feelings. and he did it well. he loved his son, ran a business and was faithful to his common law wife. he changed his life. that's pretty amazing.
and when i see people that i haven't seen, they ask the awkward questions that always infer that my ex was quite a catch and what was i thinking to divorce him. and i don't choose to badmouth. though it causes them to see me as tarnished. more sinful. though they don't give compassion.
my last son is leaving home. one left at home...my only girl. and raising my kids has been a pleasure.and heartbreaking. because the goal is to let them go. to let them fly. to let them decide. to let them break away. to even encourage it. and it brings me joy. and pain.
and i feel invisible in my world. like i am not seen at all. but i am here. i am beloved. and that should be enough. but sometimes, i long for what others have. to have people call or write. to be reached out to because i am deemed worthy in some way....not because i performed, but because they see me.
but all of these things are ok. somehow things are simply ok. there is peace in my heart. down to my toes. i have learned that i can't control or predict. all i can do is choose who i want to be and how i want to live. what people think...even of me...is none of my business. i can enjoy a sunrise and a sunset. i can see the beauty in the turn of a leaf. i thrill at the sound of birds or waves or a river. and sometimes i desperately wish that someone would want to hang out with me and share those little things. i wish that life wasn't all about business and what needs to be planned or talked about or work that needs to be done. but i can't change that. so, what i can do is take the drives. see the beauty. enjoy it. cherish it. be who i am. even if nobody sees it.
peace. it's a marvelous gift. i treasure it.
blessings.
my dad is alive and healthy by all accounts. living in a home that must be paid for or nearly paid for. with his "new family" that he got after my mom died, he left my stepmom and me. he went on and lived a life that was free from the constant reminders of his guilty feelings. and he did it well. he loved his son, ran a business and was faithful to his common law wife. he changed his life. that's pretty amazing.
and when i see people that i haven't seen, they ask the awkward questions that always infer that my ex was quite a catch and what was i thinking to divorce him. and i don't choose to badmouth. though it causes them to see me as tarnished. more sinful. though they don't give compassion.
my last son is leaving home. one left at home...my only girl. and raising my kids has been a pleasure.and heartbreaking. because the goal is to let them go. to let them fly. to let them decide. to let them break away. to even encourage it. and it brings me joy. and pain.
and i feel invisible in my world. like i am not seen at all. but i am here. i am beloved. and that should be enough. but sometimes, i long for what others have. to have people call or write. to be reached out to because i am deemed worthy in some way....not because i performed, but because they see me.
but all of these things are ok. somehow things are simply ok. there is peace in my heart. down to my toes. i have learned that i can't control or predict. all i can do is choose who i want to be and how i want to live. what people think...even of me...is none of my business. i can enjoy a sunrise and a sunset. i can see the beauty in the turn of a leaf. i thrill at the sound of birds or waves or a river. and sometimes i desperately wish that someone would want to hang out with me and share those little things. i wish that life wasn't all about business and what needs to be planned or talked about or work that needs to be done. but i can't change that. so, what i can do is take the drives. see the beauty. enjoy it. cherish it. be who i am. even if nobody sees it.
peace. it's a marvelous gift. i treasure it.
blessings.
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