forgiving

i find that in life a lot goes on beneath the surface.  i have found recently that i have done things that hurt people when i pursued my divorce.  it wasn't intentional.  the actions were not done with the intention to harm.  yet, i wounded.  i am responsible.  and i asked for forgiveness.  and there was a tirade.  generalizations about my character.  some truth in what was said.  some simple anger.  towards me.  from years ago.  and it all began because i invited some people to my son's grad party.  it took a long time to get to the point.  a lot of finger pointing and venting.  but finally...."it's using our group for you to invite us to your party but not tell us why you broke your family apart."  oh, i get it.  and i do.  i said so.  i told the person that it was good that she told me what she needed to say.  i also hurt her friend's feelings.  i told her that i didn't owe her an apology for that.  i told her that i had to deal with one person about one person.  i owned what i did in the past to the extent that i can...some, i just don't even know what she means.
but, it was all harrowing and painful...for me.  because i do care.
she says that i'm a user and only a user.  that i don't give.  ouch.  she had a list. much of it had nothing to do with me.  but it comes down to me having invited them to my son's party but not letting them in on my reasoning for divorce. "as he didn't beat or cheat, we have no good reason" to see why you divorced him.  oh. ok.  and because of that, she couldn't come to my party in good conscience without silently supporting my decision.  ok, got it.
what a mess.
i unraveled feelings.  i listened to it all.  and i apologized for what i could, though i knew it wasn't something that would help.  i worked hard not to generalize.  not to name call.  to use "i" statements.  i told her when i finally got what she really wanted to say.  i looked at it from her point of view.  i said how i'd missed the fact that i would be asking them to support me and that i had just thought that they should be invited because of the other graduate.
it was grueling.
and it was painful.
and some of it was true.
and some of it was not.
a lot of it was strange.
she pulled in others.
i tried to stay with what was between her and me.
i apologized for how i spoke for anyone else in the past and said that i have had a lot of hard lessons to learn.  that i have done much wrong.  but that i am also trying to live differently.
but.  now what?
i could hate myself.
i could live with shame hovering over me.
i could throw in the towel and give up.
i have worked so hard.
i have prayed.
i have grown.
i have chosen to stand back up.
yet, she says that i act like a victim all of the time and always have.
she says that i don't contribute but only take from others.
she says that i don't have a right to choose what to share if i want someone's presence in my life.
she says that i hurt her friend and that it was over the top crap.
and my mind reeled.
and then i stopped.
still.
breathing.
listening.
waiting.
and remembering.
god knew all of the ways i did things wrong.
all of the ways i blew it.
and he wasn't surprised.
and he doesn't turn from me.
and i have to learn to forgive myself.
and move on and do better.
live better.
earn trust where i may.
allow myself to change.
i DID blow a lot of things.
i DO blow a lot of things.
but i'm allowed to forgive myself and start again.
i'm allowed to live in hope.
and joy.
and peace.
even if i've made a mess that i can't fix.
i can only go on in life and try to earn trust and respect.
and i can't live trying to get that.
i have to live doing what is right.
and good.
and i have to keep on going.
and i have to make amends where i can.
to others.
and for me?
i have to forgive myself.
or i will cripple myself walking forward.
forgive.
me.
again.
for doing things i knew and things i didn't.
rough night.
better day.
going to garden.
and pray.
and be still.
and look at truth.
and repent from what i have done without belittling my life or it's purpose.
blessings.