Goodness . Mercy. Following me. At least now. Maybe for the rest of my life? Life is so very different than when this blog began. I am a divorced woman. I don't like that I am divorced and I am thrilled that I am divorced.
Sound strange? You've probably never been divorced. I have a sense of failure. Of being tainted. Of having a scarlet D emblazoned on my soul. I have lost much. Many don't bother with me. My used to be friends don't invite me anywhere. They don't really snub me if I seek them out...well, actually, they generally say no if I invite them to do anything. But, still, I'm learning to talk to my acquaintances. I don't have a list of people who give a rip about how my day was or check on whether I'm still breathing. I tried for the longest time to keep up with those things with them...but, I'm just feeling silly about it.
Ya know, if you say, "hey would ya like to...." and nobody says, sure, I'd love to do anything with you...well...frankly, it says a lot.
But, I've grown. I'm smiling as I write this. Because...I'm ok. The loss after divorce was crushing. I didn't miss my ex, but I missed the people I had thought were family. The people that I thought we'd always "be there". The people that I thought we could call anytime day or night. I realized awhile back that I had thought that...but I was wrong. I had overstepped in the midst of my hard nights and difficult times right before and during the divorce. I had texted or called when it was too late. I was...embarrassed. But, I have since forgiven myself. I was living through hell. Though I couldn't even put it to words, I was barely hanging on back then. I needed to connect in those night hours. I did what I needed to. I can't feel sorry about it. I can feel embarrassed that I assumed that people were willing, but what good would it do?
But, life has marched on. I live alone except for my daughter. I have very few people that ever contact me. I work hard. I've met some nice people..no life long kinds of friends, but good, kind people.
I am surrounded by goodness. and mercy. and kindness. I am carried. I can literally feel it. Every day. Every hour.
I am walking. I am smiling. I am joyful. I am kind. I give myself over to being vulnerable.
I blow it big.
The other day I was heartbroken for someone. I tried to tell someone else. Came off as gossip, to my horror. I was just reducing the weight, the pain. Desiring help and empathy for this other friend. But, I blew it. Hmmm. So,it means telling the person that I was talking about. It means being authentic and not trying to be more than I am.
But that moment. The moment when it was assumed that I was doing something bad without hearing my heart or intentnions....that very moment reminded me of why this post divorce time has been painful, It's like I gave up the right to ever be allowed the benefit of the doubt from people who cared about me. Everything is suspect. I've tried to fix it. I walked on eggshells for a long time. Then, I thought, bag it...I just have to live.
So, that's what I do. I live. Fully. Embracing. The. Goodness. THE. GOODNESS. and being embraced by Him.
And I'm ok. More than ok. Totally content and at peace and full of faith. FULL.
Sometimes I wish I could have back my friends who called or swung by. My friends who said yes. But, not if it comes with my old life. I guess you can't have it all. But you can have good. You can have wonderful. Even if it has a side of heartache.
Sound strange? You've probably never been divorced. I have a sense of failure. Of being tainted. Of having a scarlet D emblazoned on my soul. I have lost much. Many don't bother with me. My used to be friends don't invite me anywhere. They don't really snub me if I seek them out...well, actually, they generally say no if I invite them to do anything. But, still, I'm learning to talk to my acquaintances. I don't have a list of people who give a rip about how my day was or check on whether I'm still breathing. I tried for the longest time to keep up with those things with them...but, I'm just feeling silly about it.
Ya know, if you say, "hey would ya like to...." and nobody says, sure, I'd love to do anything with you...well...frankly, it says a lot.
But, I've grown. I'm smiling as I write this. Because...I'm ok. The loss after divorce was crushing. I didn't miss my ex, but I missed the people I had thought were family. The people that I thought we'd always "be there". The people that I thought we could call anytime day or night. I realized awhile back that I had thought that...but I was wrong. I had overstepped in the midst of my hard nights and difficult times right before and during the divorce. I had texted or called when it was too late. I was...embarrassed. But, I have since forgiven myself. I was living through hell. Though I couldn't even put it to words, I was barely hanging on back then. I needed to connect in those night hours. I did what I needed to. I can't feel sorry about it. I can feel embarrassed that I assumed that people were willing, but what good would it do?
But, life has marched on. I live alone except for my daughter. I have very few people that ever contact me. I work hard. I've met some nice people..no life long kinds of friends, but good, kind people.
I am surrounded by goodness. and mercy. and kindness. I am carried. I can literally feel it. Every day. Every hour.
I am walking. I am smiling. I am joyful. I am kind. I give myself over to being vulnerable.
I blow it big.
The other day I was heartbroken for someone. I tried to tell someone else. Came off as gossip, to my horror. I was just reducing the weight, the pain. Desiring help and empathy for this other friend. But, I blew it. Hmmm. So,it means telling the person that I was talking about. It means being authentic and not trying to be more than I am.
But that moment. The moment when it was assumed that I was doing something bad without hearing my heart or intentnions....that very moment reminded me of why this post divorce time has been painful, It's like I gave up the right to ever be allowed the benefit of the doubt from people who cared about me. Everything is suspect. I've tried to fix it. I walked on eggshells for a long time. Then, I thought, bag it...I just have to live.
So, that's what I do. I live. Fully. Embracing. The. Goodness. THE. GOODNESS. and being embraced by Him.
And I'm ok. More than ok. Totally content and at peace and full of faith. FULL.
Sometimes I wish I could have back my friends who called or swung by. My friends who said yes. But, not if it comes with my old life. I guess you can't have it all. But you can have good. You can have wonderful. Even if it has a side of heartache.
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