life shift

the last months have been full of ....well, of just about everything. the loss stands out as immense.  and yet, that's not the sum total.  there has been growth.  depth.

there has been a shift in me.

and it took a long time to come.

though i was "free" from my ex, i found myself doing things to prove to myself that i was indeed free.  and finally i'm really free.  no more proving necessary.  now i have to fix some of the less than good decisions that i made during that time. debt.  weight gain.  laziness.

but finally...there's no resentment or being forced.  i am content to take the steps one at a time to get where i need to be.  no blame.  no shame.  just.......shifting.  moving my focus.  choosing more carefully for me.

and it's a very hard time.  crushing in some ways. but it is gloriously crushing.  like wine from grapes.  good is coming.  and i revel in the gift i have found again of god's love.  of peace.  of heartfelt joy.  of true relationships.  genuine.

shifting into place.  it feels good.  it feels like...........being me.  it has been a long time coming.  what a blessing in the midst of all of the struggles.

goodbye

so, there is grace and comfort even when the next thing happens.

my dear dog was gone this morning.  my heart hurts.  hurts.

i need to go to sleep.

i need to cry.

i need

to rest in the arms.

blessings

deeeeep breath

and now, in the wee hours, i am up with my elderly dog.  this last week i've been more and more aware that he is coming to the end of his life.  this morning it took him a long time to wake up.  now he is breathing oddly and whimpering at times.  i had to lift him onto his pallet.  i feel ill.  so heart sick that my body aches.
i laid by him on the floor.  he didn't even wag his tail.
tears.
and nobody to tell.
just him and me.
maybe he'll rally.
that would be good.
i need sleep.
my days are long and hard.
peace.
in the midst lord.
not when there's calm but when
the storms swirl.
please.

more more more

wow  life has been difficult financially.  not saying that it's not partly my fault.  i have not been frugal this last three years.  and........i've had a load of expenses to boot.  and as i spent the last month working on how to do better and how to be more honoring of how i should live, i have been hit with thing........after thing........after thing.  and right now i feel prett ttty low.  not the kind of low that says life is horrible.  just the kind of low where i feel somewhat defeated.  i know that the most important things are just fine.  faith.  family.  growth.  grace.  perspective is what is needed in these moments.  but i am pretty overwhelmed.  and so, i call out.  to the one who can bring peace.  who is peace.  and i confess. and i lean.
but sometimes
i get tired of being the place people lean.  i get tired. of taking responsibility when perhaps........my ex should do so.  so instead of being bitter, i'm speaking up.  but it is wearying as well.  having to deal with him.  having to do more than just survive moments.  because the wounds from him are deep and painful.  and while i have come far.......i have a distance to still go.  i still hear his criticisms in my soul.  i still find emails and communication with him painful.  tender.  talking about money with him makes me want to throw up.  feel small.
yes........i know that i made choices that mean that i'm pretty broke.  i had to be........free....for awhile.  i don't even know how to explain it just that it was part of my process.  and i had just been coming out of it and making a plan....working on how to get my life in order on all fronts when thing after thing crashes over me.  and there's nobody to turn to.  nobody to get it.  and certainly nobody to help.  no family to hear.  nobody.  and that sometimes also hits me hard.
so, here i sit.
remembering how thankful i truly am.
my children are alive.
and healthy.
and fed.
and we have a roof over our heads.
and i think about what if those things weren't true.
and i have this kernel of peace living deep inside me that is such a blessed gift.  a sense of knowing that the god of all has every bit of my life planned.  that he will hold me.  even when i'm completely childish.  and he doesn't hate me.  i finally got to that place.  and i'm hoping that my ex can't take it away from me.......again.  trust.  deep deep trust in the deep deep love of jesus.  trust that allows sleep.  trust that allows truth.  trust that carries and calms.
and i don't even know how i would explain to anyone that it's as if i had to get there and actually experience that deep acceptance and grace again before i could move past it.  i don't recommend it, but it's where i was.  and where i am?  a bit tearful.  a tad stressed.  but strangely looking forward to his answers and seeing that he won't withhold his love from me.  yes...consequences but not as punishment.  more of a gentle prodding to a life that is more satisfying.  i love that about my father in heaven.
so while more
more
more comes
it never
ever

ever
exceeds his grace or sustaining power.
i
can
rest


because i've never been in control anyway.............

25th unanniversary

i thought that i'd stay married.  thought that there would be a big party for my 25th.  i thought that somehow it would eventually be healthy, safe, and yes, i even thought that happy was possible.  i believed that it could be.  and it could.  if he had wanted it.  but he wanted things i couldn't be.  i tried.  i wanted it so badly.  wanted a family that was whole and full of fn and dreams.  i wanted a family that encouraged and built up.  and, i have one.  he's just not in it.
today would have been 25 years.  twenty five.  that's a lot.  i married half of my life ago.  and i don't regret divorce.  i don't regret the decision to live.  but still, it saddens me.  it will always be a loss.  it was a failure.  i'm learning that the marriage failed but that i'm not a failure.  i didn't get that all right, but i do not have to be defined for the rest of my life as a failure.
i began a health goal.  i have an app for it. :)  i like to check things off.  and, this app allows that.  so, i'll do it. i want to lose 40 pounds.  really do.  i want to feel great.  i want to be able to hike and walk and maybe even run.  i want to live.  really live.  in a healthy way...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  so, on this unanniversary i began.
i walked well over 10000 steps.  i worked hard. i ate and kept track of what i ate so that i can see trends and count calories.  i love to eat and i want to make it so that i can.
do i miss being married?  not how it was.  i don't miss the stress nor the meanness.  i don't miss the constant drama and discord.  but i miss having someone else to do some of the work. guess that is not much to miss, but sometimes, it feels huge.  today i trimmed trees and watered and gardened and began digging out to make a patio.  i worked for hours.  and, while it was satisfying,there was a part of me that was like, "how is it that you left me with all of the work of raising the kids and making a home?"  he got off pretty easy.but i got what means the most.  i got....the family. all of the work, heartache, training, difficulty, messiness, yes.  but also, all of the growth, learning, laughter and absolute joy.
i don't regret where i am.  but, i am saddened that no matter how hard i worked, prayed, was willing to change......he just wasn't happy.  i regret not being able to reach someone whom i loved.  not being able to be seen.  or valued.  it was a long life together.  seemed so very long.  now, time rushes by so quickly.
joy comes.  it fills.  and though there is sadness intermingled, i will always be thankful that god allowed me an escape route.  that he met me in my deep grief.
so today, i celebrate that i was faithful.  that i loved.  that i have forgiven.  that i have been carried and shown how to live.  how to be at peace.  how to be free.
25 years ago.  mercy.  that seems like such a long time.
blessings.