i thought that i'd stay married. thought that there would be a big party for my 25th. i thought that somehow it would eventually be healthy, safe, and yes, i even thought that happy was possible. i believed that it could be. and it could. if he had wanted it. but he wanted things i couldn't be. i tried. i wanted it so badly. wanted a family that was whole and full of fn and dreams. i wanted a family that encouraged and built up. and, i have one. he's just not in it.
today would have been 25 years. twenty five. that's a lot. i married half of my life ago. and i don't regret divorce. i don't regret the decision to live. but still, it saddens me. it will always be a loss. it was a failure. i'm learning that the marriage failed but that i'm not a failure. i didn't get that all right, but i do not have to be defined for the rest of my life as a failure.
i began a health goal. i have an app for it. :) i like to check things off. and, this app allows that. so, i'll do it. i want to lose 40 pounds. really do. i want to feel great. i want to be able to hike and walk and maybe even run. i want to live. really live. in a healthy way...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. so, on this unanniversary i began.
i walked well over 10000 steps. i worked hard. i ate and kept track of what i ate so that i can see trends and count calories. i love to eat and i want to make it so that i can.
do i miss being married? not how it was. i don't miss the stress nor the meanness. i don't miss the constant drama and discord. but i miss having someone else to do some of the work. guess that is not much to miss, but sometimes, it feels huge. today i trimmed trees and watered and gardened and began digging out to make a patio. i worked for hours. and, while it was satisfying,there was a part of me that was like, "how is it that you left me with all of the work of raising the kids and making a home?" he got off pretty easy.but i got what means the most. i got....the family. all of the work, heartache, training, difficulty, messiness, yes. but also, all of the growth, learning, laughter and absolute joy.
i don't regret where i am. but, i am saddened that no matter how hard i worked, prayed, was willing to change......he just wasn't happy. i regret not being able to reach someone whom i loved. not being able to be seen. or valued. it was a long life together. seemed so very long. now, time rushes by so quickly.
joy comes. it fills. and though there is sadness intermingled, i will always be thankful that god allowed me an escape route. that he met me in my deep grief.
so today, i celebrate that i was faithful. that i loved. that i have forgiven. that i have been carried and shown how to live. how to be at peace. how to be free.
25 years ago. mercy. that seems like such a long time.
blessings.
today would have been 25 years. twenty five. that's a lot. i married half of my life ago. and i don't regret divorce. i don't regret the decision to live. but still, it saddens me. it will always be a loss. it was a failure. i'm learning that the marriage failed but that i'm not a failure. i didn't get that all right, but i do not have to be defined for the rest of my life as a failure.
i began a health goal. i have an app for it. :) i like to check things off. and, this app allows that. so, i'll do it. i want to lose 40 pounds. really do. i want to feel great. i want to be able to hike and walk and maybe even run. i want to live. really live. in a healthy way...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. so, on this unanniversary i began.
i walked well over 10000 steps. i worked hard. i ate and kept track of what i ate so that i can see trends and count calories. i love to eat and i want to make it so that i can.
do i miss being married? not how it was. i don't miss the stress nor the meanness. i don't miss the constant drama and discord. but i miss having someone else to do some of the work. guess that is not much to miss, but sometimes, it feels huge. today i trimmed trees and watered and gardened and began digging out to make a patio. i worked for hours. and, while it was satisfying,there was a part of me that was like, "how is it that you left me with all of the work of raising the kids and making a home?" he got off pretty easy.but i got what means the most. i got....the family. all of the work, heartache, training, difficulty, messiness, yes. but also, all of the growth, learning, laughter and absolute joy.
i don't regret where i am. but, i am saddened that no matter how hard i worked, prayed, was willing to change......he just wasn't happy. i regret not being able to reach someone whom i loved. not being able to be seen. or valued. it was a long life together. seemed so very long. now, time rushes by so quickly.
joy comes. it fills. and though there is sadness intermingled, i will always be thankful that god allowed me an escape route. that he met me in my deep grief.
so today, i celebrate that i was faithful. that i loved. that i have forgiven. that i have been carried and shown how to live. how to be at peace. how to be free.
25 years ago. mercy. that seems like such a long time.
blessings.
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