wow life has been difficult financially. not saying that it's not partly my fault. i have not been frugal this last three years. and........i've had a load of expenses to boot. and as i spent the last month working on how to do better and how to be more honoring of how i should live, i have been hit with thing........after thing........after thing. and right now i feel prett ttty low. not the kind of low that says life is horrible. just the kind of low where i feel somewhat defeated. i know that the most important things are just fine. faith. family. growth. grace. perspective is what is needed in these moments. but i am pretty overwhelmed. and so, i call out. to the one who can bring peace. who is peace. and i confess. and i lean.
but sometimes
i get tired of being the place people lean. i get tired. of taking responsibility when perhaps........my ex should do so. so instead of being bitter, i'm speaking up. but it is wearying as well. having to deal with him. having to do more than just survive moments. because the wounds from him are deep and painful. and while i have come far.......i have a distance to still go. i still hear his criticisms in my soul. i still find emails and communication with him painful. tender. talking about money with him makes me want to throw up. feel small.
yes........i know that i made choices that mean that i'm pretty broke. i had to be........free....for awhile. i don't even know how to explain it just that it was part of my process. and i had just been coming out of it and making a plan....working on how to get my life in order on all fronts when thing after thing crashes over me. and there's nobody to turn to. nobody to get it. and certainly nobody to help. no family to hear. nobody. and that sometimes also hits me hard.
so, here i sit.
remembering how thankful i truly am.
my children are alive.
and healthy.
and fed.
and we have a roof over our heads.
and i think about what if those things weren't true.
and i have this kernel of peace living deep inside me that is such a blessed gift. a sense of knowing that the god of all has every bit of my life planned. that he will hold me. even when i'm completely childish. and he doesn't hate me. i finally got to that place. and i'm hoping that my ex can't take it away from me.......again. trust. deep deep trust in the deep deep love of jesus. trust that allows sleep. trust that allows truth. trust that carries and calms.
and i don't even know how i would explain to anyone that it's as if i had to get there and actually experience that deep acceptance and grace again before i could move past it. i don't recommend it, but it's where i was. and where i am? a bit tearful. a tad stressed. but strangely looking forward to his answers and seeing that he won't withhold his love from me. yes...consequences but not as punishment. more of a gentle prodding to a life that is more satisfying. i love that about my father in heaven.
so while more
more
more comes
it never
ever
ever
exceeds his grace or sustaining power.
i
can
rest
because i've never been in control anyway.............
but sometimes
i get tired of being the place people lean. i get tired. of taking responsibility when perhaps........my ex should do so. so instead of being bitter, i'm speaking up. but it is wearying as well. having to deal with him. having to do more than just survive moments. because the wounds from him are deep and painful. and while i have come far.......i have a distance to still go. i still hear his criticisms in my soul. i still find emails and communication with him painful. tender. talking about money with him makes me want to throw up. feel small.
yes........i know that i made choices that mean that i'm pretty broke. i had to be........free....for awhile. i don't even know how to explain it just that it was part of my process. and i had just been coming out of it and making a plan....working on how to get my life in order on all fronts when thing after thing crashes over me. and there's nobody to turn to. nobody to get it. and certainly nobody to help. no family to hear. nobody. and that sometimes also hits me hard.
so, here i sit.
remembering how thankful i truly am.
my children are alive.
and healthy.
and fed.
and we have a roof over our heads.
and i think about what if those things weren't true.
and i have this kernel of peace living deep inside me that is such a blessed gift. a sense of knowing that the god of all has every bit of my life planned. that he will hold me. even when i'm completely childish. and he doesn't hate me. i finally got to that place. and i'm hoping that my ex can't take it away from me.......again. trust. deep deep trust in the deep deep love of jesus. trust that allows sleep. trust that allows truth. trust that carries and calms.
and i don't even know how i would explain to anyone that it's as if i had to get there and actually experience that deep acceptance and grace again before i could move past it. i don't recommend it, but it's where i was. and where i am? a bit tearful. a tad stressed. but strangely looking forward to his answers and seeing that he won't withhold his love from me. yes...consequences but not as punishment. more of a gentle prodding to a life that is more satisfying. i love that about my father in heaven.
so while more
more
more comes
it never
ever
ever
exceeds his grace or sustaining power.
i
can
rest
because i've never been in control anyway.............
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