The kids. Totally the best part. On their good days. And their worst days. No matter how they are. They are the pride and joy of my life. I am so proud of them. Of how they live. Sometimes they live for God. Sometimes they struggle. Sometimes they nail it. Other times, they are completely without direction. They are amazing. They are wonderful, growing, smart, creative, dreaming, kind, crazy, weird, loving, worrying, committed people. I adore them. Every day. They are mine. Good and bad and all. Mistakes. Victories. They are the best parts of my marriage. He has missed out on that kind of overwhelming love. I feel sorry for him. It is intense and huge and consuming....and beautiful.
If a son asks his father for a piece of bread will he give him a snake? No, he won't, but he won't give them something good. He will offer them the cheapest thing he can. Sad for him. They got old enough to notice.
grace to you.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Fog
The fog had rolled in during the night. I awoke to a world blanketed in gray. But, the light had come. It was time to arise and brave it to take the kids to school. The talk about the fog was intriguing. How it was denser in parts. How we had to slow down, be cautious, but not stop. Not to stop in the middle of the road because you would get hit from behind. Then, gloriously, as we entered the foothills town where there school is, the sun was shining brightly. And we got to talk about how the sun is always there...even when we can't see it for a time.
I feel like my life got caught in a fog. But the Son was still shining. Still there, awaiting the time when I would come out of the fog and into the bright shining sun again.
It's easy to get overwhelmed by fog. By circumstances. It's easy to stop. To think that the risk is too great. But, really, it's not. It's just as great a risk, and perhaps more, to stop where you are. You can be hit from behind. Injured. Unexpectedly. All because you fear moving forward due to lack of visibility. Just as surely as that sunshine awaited me this morning...and even moreso....there is sunshine on the other side of emotional and relational fogs. It is there. And sometimes we just need someone to remind us how bright the sun is. How beautiful. How fresh.
This is that reminder. For you. For me.
grace to you.
I feel like my life got caught in a fog. But the Son was still shining. Still there, awaiting the time when I would come out of the fog and into the bright shining sun again.
It's easy to get overwhelmed by fog. By circumstances. It's easy to stop. To think that the risk is too great. But, really, it's not. It's just as great a risk, and perhaps more, to stop where you are. You can be hit from behind. Injured. Unexpectedly. All because you fear moving forward due to lack of visibility. Just as surely as that sunshine awaited me this morning...and even moreso....there is sunshine on the other side of emotional and relational fogs. It is there. And sometimes we just need someone to remind us how bright the sun is. How beautiful. How fresh.
This is that reminder. For you. For me.
grace to you.
Getting Older
I am happy to be getting older. And, I am disappointed. Not that I didn't teach all of those years. Not that I stayed home with my kids. Not that I got married. Not that I am aging. I am disappointed because I forgot the most important lessons that I learned when I was a child. I forgot to take care of myself. To be safe. I had to learn that so young. I would have thought that it would be second nature. But, I worked hard in my life to truly grow and learn and to trust. I worked on trusting God...and I found Him trustworthy, so I was more able to trust. I never really looked at Him as a father figure back then...father figures only work when your own father was caring and there for you. But, I viewed Him as the One who cared for me. That would always be there.
I am disappointed that I forgot the basic rule of loving myself. I am learning again. But, I still struggle. Because I am older, there are some places that won't hire me. Some people who view me as too old. I spent so much time living for someone else. I should have seen it.
I'm getting older. I like older. Helps me to see more clearly, ironically. As my physical vision goes, my life vision grows. It's a good thing.
grace to you.
I am disappointed that I forgot the basic rule of loving myself. I am learning again. But, I still struggle. Because I am older, there are some places that won't hire me. Some people who view me as too old. I spent so much time living for someone else. I should have seen it.
I'm getting older. I like older. Helps me to see more clearly, ironically. As my physical vision goes, my life vision grows. It's a good thing.
grace to you.
Wisdom of the Tube
"I assure you that if I knew how to convey how I feel, I would. It seems to make other people's lives much easier," Dr. Constance Brennan from Bones.
I relate to this. If I could convey to those around me the depth and breadth of my caring, I would. It does make others' lives easier. I see it.
But, don't think that I walk without relationship. I do not. Because though I do not know excel expressing my care. Though many often assume that I am callous. I am surrounded by those kind and glorious souls who look deeper. Who help to put words to my feelings. The friends who put meaning to my actions and thoughts without assuming that I am unkind, callous or mean.
Because of having this in my life, it made me try to do the same for my husband. It's a kind action. It helps. Unless the underlying good intention is not there. And it was very hard for me to come to the point of realizing that. That for him, it's good to be stingy. To hold back. To hold things over others. To him, it's not about not being able to express something deeper or kinder....it's about not having something more to say or show. That hit me like a fast pitch softball. With the same amount of surprise too. When he told me that he DOES think he's better, I realized that all of the trying to help express his love and care for me and the children doesn't work when he simply really loves himself and it committed to us as an example of how good he is. It's only a little piece of the whole big picture, but this little piece offers me insight and peace. That I am not giving up on him, I'm giving myself a chance.
Sometimes you get the greatest insight from the strangest places.
grace to you.
I relate to this. If I could convey to those around me the depth and breadth of my caring, I would. It does make others' lives easier. I see it.
But, don't think that I walk without relationship. I do not. Because though I do not know excel expressing my care. Though many often assume that I am callous. I am surrounded by those kind and glorious souls who look deeper. Who help to put words to my feelings. The friends who put meaning to my actions and thoughts without assuming that I am unkind, callous or mean.
Because of having this in my life, it made me try to do the same for my husband. It's a kind action. It helps. Unless the underlying good intention is not there. And it was very hard for me to come to the point of realizing that. That for him, it's good to be stingy. To hold back. To hold things over others. To him, it's not about not being able to express something deeper or kinder....it's about not having something more to say or show. That hit me like a fast pitch softball. With the same amount of surprise too. When he told me that he DOES think he's better, I realized that all of the trying to help express his love and care for me and the children doesn't work when he simply really loves himself and it committed to us as an example of how good he is. It's only a little piece of the whole big picture, but this little piece offers me insight and peace. That I am not giving up on him, I'm giving myself a chance.
Sometimes you get the greatest insight from the strangest places.
grace to you.
Journey
Life is called a journey for a reason. We are supposed to be moving, moving on, going someplace, headed in a direction. Sometimes we stop for refreshment. Sometimes we stop because we are afraid of the terrain that lies ahead. Or, sometimes we are sick or simply too tired to travel on. Sometimes we find something of interest that stops us in our tracks to enjoy the beauty. But, overall, we are to be moving on. Toward who we are becoming. Toward completing purposes that are unique to each of us. A journey isn't staying at the rest stop forever. I mean, who wants to live at the highway rest stop? The rest stop provides a marvelous service, but it is not the goal. A journey isn't hunkering down and living at the gas station/convenience store. Gassing up is important. While that is a crucial part of a journey, stopping there would mean accepting something so much less than the REAL journey. What's the point of getting gas or filling yourself up if you're not going anywhere? A journey isn't living in the airport terminal. Though the people watching can be nice, watching others go to and return from places should not be enough to sustain us. We must be going on ourselves.
But, in our journey in life, sometimes we stop and forget to get moving again. Unforgiveness is a big reason for stopping. Blaming someone for taking away potential or what might have been. Fear is another huge one. We don't know what lies ahead and instead of risking, we pull up the blanket and let the days go by. Depression is a sure way to quit traveling on the journey. It says, "I can't....." until eventually, I won't.
Everyone needs to stop for gas, get some food, enjoy the beauty, go in the airport......everyone needs to get built up, cherish the moments, and watch the people....but, it can't stop the journey. The journey is meant to be taken one day at a time. One moment at a time. With faith that there will be enough places along the way to sustain us. God goes before us. Provides a way.
And even when we are exiting a bad marriage and all of the people around us seem to be saying how wrong or evil we are.....we aren't responsible to get them going on their journey. We are responsible for continuing on ours.
Remember when Jesus said to the disciples that if someone didn't welcome them they should shake the dirt off their sandals and keep on going? Well, I think that is a picture of the journey. Of forgiveness actually....forgive it, let it go and get moving. You have places to go and lives to touch. Things to learn and adventures to be had. Don't waste the journey wailing about how the one house didn't receive you. MOVE ON.
I'm learning. A bit at a time. Now...for some more moving on.
grace to you.
But, in our journey in life, sometimes we stop and forget to get moving again. Unforgiveness is a big reason for stopping. Blaming someone for taking away potential or what might have been. Fear is another huge one. We don't know what lies ahead and instead of risking, we pull up the blanket and let the days go by. Depression is a sure way to quit traveling on the journey. It says, "I can't....." until eventually, I won't.
Everyone needs to stop for gas, get some food, enjoy the beauty, go in the airport......everyone needs to get built up, cherish the moments, and watch the people....but, it can't stop the journey. The journey is meant to be taken one day at a time. One moment at a time. With faith that there will be enough places along the way to sustain us. God goes before us. Provides a way.
And even when we are exiting a bad marriage and all of the people around us seem to be saying how wrong or evil we are.....we aren't responsible to get them going on their journey. We are responsible for continuing on ours.
Remember when Jesus said to the disciples that if someone didn't welcome them they should shake the dirt off their sandals and keep on going? Well, I think that is a picture of the journey. Of forgiveness actually....forgive it, let it go and get moving. You have places to go and lives to touch. Things to learn and adventures to be had. Don't waste the journey wailing about how the one house didn't receive you. MOVE ON.
I'm learning. A bit at a time. Now...for some more moving on.
grace to you.
I Need To Learn To Forgive
I have read a lot of books about learning to forgive. Watched some online videos. I have taken a couple of classes. From early on in my life, I knew that in order to be healthy, I had to learn to forgive the people from my past. That for my own life to move on, I had to let their harm toward me, whether intentional or unintentional, be forgiven. I didn't have to excuse it. Seems like most people think that forgiving is excusing behavior...making it alright or not someone's responsibility. But that is not what I mean or believe. I mean actually forgiving the incident caused by another...and acknowledging that they did cause it, whether they ever acknowledge it or not. I do mean finding the grace to realize that they were probably doing the best that they could at the time...but that no matter the facts, they still hurt me. I mean choosing to go on with life rather than getting stuck in that place where everything changed.
And, I've had quite a bit of practice. A grandfather that was amazingly cruel. A father who abandoned me. A step mother who gave up on me. A mom who died....I know, it's weird to have to forgive that, but it really was necessary. A friend who completely betrayed me and continues to do so to this day. A grandmother who never got over the fact that I wasn't going to replace my mother who died. And, many other minor glitches along the way. And, with great truthfulness I can say that I have forgiven these people. Not that I don't have to forgive again and again as time goes by...as the hurt rises up again. But I forgave and kept walking. I didn't get stuck in that place in life.
And, now, in my marriage, I have struggled to forgive. To actually believe my own forgiveness. And you might be thinking, "you forgave all of those others, why not him?" But, what I have come to realize is that I have forgiven him. I am having trouble forgiving me. Forgiving myself for finally giving up. For not being enough. For feeling less than christian. So, it comes that I blog here about what he has done and is doing to remind myself. So that I will see that a wrong was actually committed.....and in that knowledge, maybe I will be able to forgive myself for the path that I have chosen. Because it doesn't really matter if others forgive me for it. It matters that I can forgive myself. There are not many classes on that. But it is perhaps even more important than forgiving others. Because self hate and depression and inaction stem from not forgiving myself. Just as not forgiving another gets me "stuck"...not forgiving myself reaps a harvest of other problems.
So, I have been on a quest of learning to forgive myself. For, it is part of healing. He may not forgive me. Ever. But, I have to forgive me. Others may not forgive me. But I have to forgive me. The thing is....Jesus already forgave me. I need to follow His example. I don't believe in cheap grace. I also don't believe in bought grace. It's a fine line in the middle. It means living real. Not pretend. And forgiving myself when I can't make the wrongs of the world....or my marriage...right.
I need to learn to forgive......myself.
grace to you.
And, I've had quite a bit of practice. A grandfather that was amazingly cruel. A father who abandoned me. A step mother who gave up on me. A mom who died....I know, it's weird to have to forgive that, but it really was necessary. A friend who completely betrayed me and continues to do so to this day. A grandmother who never got over the fact that I wasn't going to replace my mother who died. And, many other minor glitches along the way. And, with great truthfulness I can say that I have forgiven these people. Not that I don't have to forgive again and again as time goes by...as the hurt rises up again. But I forgave and kept walking. I didn't get stuck in that place in life.
And, now, in my marriage, I have struggled to forgive. To actually believe my own forgiveness. And you might be thinking, "you forgave all of those others, why not him?" But, what I have come to realize is that I have forgiven him. I am having trouble forgiving me. Forgiving myself for finally giving up. For not being enough. For feeling less than christian. So, it comes that I blog here about what he has done and is doing to remind myself. So that I will see that a wrong was actually committed.....and in that knowledge, maybe I will be able to forgive myself for the path that I have chosen. Because it doesn't really matter if others forgive me for it. It matters that I can forgive myself. There are not many classes on that. But it is perhaps even more important than forgiving others. Because self hate and depression and inaction stem from not forgiving myself. Just as not forgiving another gets me "stuck"...not forgiving myself reaps a harvest of other problems.
So, I have been on a quest of learning to forgive myself. For, it is part of healing. He may not forgive me. Ever. But, I have to forgive me. Others may not forgive me. But I have to forgive me. The thing is....Jesus already forgave me. I need to follow His example. I don't believe in cheap grace. I also don't believe in bought grace. It's a fine line in the middle. It means living real. Not pretend. And forgiving myself when I can't make the wrongs of the world....or my marriage...right.
I need to learn to forgive......myself.
grace to you.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Notice to All Meanie Heads
See, this time I didn't put butt heads! That's what I meant....ok.
Notice to all meanie heads:
Due to having found my own life and having taken responsibility for my own choices, decisions, successes and failures, I will no longer being needing your input into my life. You may cease feeling a need to feel any responsibility for making me understand all of the things that are my responsibility. I got it. And...strangely, I'm ok with it. I can be wrong. I can be mistaken. I can make mistakes. Heck, I can even downright, outright fail. I'm ok with that. I can be without a clue. I can totally mess up. I can walk down the wrong road. I can figure it out. I understand fully and completely that I am not perfect. That I am not even close. And I don't need your help with that. Nor do I need your help to explain how ludicrous or far fetched my dreams are. I don't need you to talk to the community at large about my sins, troubles, discouragements, failures, or...particularly...lies about me. But, if you do. Oh well. I am still responsible for how I live. You have no control in my life. Because I have taken away your power. And I didn't have to lift a finger against you. I simply close you out of my decision making, emotions, and particularly out of people that I think of as friends. Because, if you want to spend so much time being a meanie head to me....really, why should I consider you a friend? Really? How are you different than an enemy? Because I was nice to YOU. Hate to burst your bubble, but friendship, relationships....they are not all take. And they are especially not all take while you walk around all puffed up acting like you are doing me a favor.
I don't need that kind of favor. While I might struggle with it at the moment, I am worth so much more than that. Simply because I was created with a purpose. And I am going to find the purposes for my life. And whether it be to have great successes or great struggles, I am going to enjoy every last one. Fully. Breathing and knowing that I am cherished by my Author. Yep, He's an author. I was created in His image. Wrote a great book, He did. Been around quite a long time on the best sellers lists. I think I'm going to walk in my Father's footsteps. I'm going to leave this rabbit trail you have been on....heading nowhere and acting like I am uninformed and irresponsible. The greatest thing in the world to waste isn't energy. Nor heat. Nor money. Nor gas. Nor time. The greatest thing to waste is the potential given to us in the gifts bestowed.....by always being afraid. You are always afraid. Meanie heads have that in common. Afraid of being found out. Afraid of not being as good. Or as popular. Afraid of everything. Well, I'm not afraid to fail. Done it. It's just fine. And, it makes the victories taste even better.
So, pack your bags and leave my head. I don't need any meanie head voices telling me what to do. Have a great trip. Enjoy your own company.
grace to you.
Notice to all meanie heads:
Due to having found my own life and having taken responsibility for my own choices, decisions, successes and failures, I will no longer being needing your input into my life. You may cease feeling a need to feel any responsibility for making me understand all of the things that are my responsibility. I got it. And...strangely, I'm ok with it. I can be wrong. I can be mistaken. I can make mistakes. Heck, I can even downright, outright fail. I'm ok with that. I can be without a clue. I can totally mess up. I can walk down the wrong road. I can figure it out. I understand fully and completely that I am not perfect. That I am not even close. And I don't need your help with that. Nor do I need your help to explain how ludicrous or far fetched my dreams are. I don't need you to talk to the community at large about my sins, troubles, discouragements, failures, or...particularly...lies about me. But, if you do. Oh well. I am still responsible for how I live. You have no control in my life. Because I have taken away your power. And I didn't have to lift a finger against you. I simply close you out of my decision making, emotions, and particularly out of people that I think of as friends. Because, if you want to spend so much time being a meanie head to me....really, why should I consider you a friend? Really? How are you different than an enemy? Because I was nice to YOU. Hate to burst your bubble, but friendship, relationships....they are not all take. And they are especially not all take while you walk around all puffed up acting like you are doing me a favor.
I don't need that kind of favor. While I might struggle with it at the moment, I am worth so much more than that. Simply because I was created with a purpose. And I am going to find the purposes for my life. And whether it be to have great successes or great struggles, I am going to enjoy every last one. Fully. Breathing and knowing that I am cherished by my Author. Yep, He's an author. I was created in His image. Wrote a great book, He did. Been around quite a long time on the best sellers lists. I think I'm going to walk in my Father's footsteps. I'm going to leave this rabbit trail you have been on....heading nowhere and acting like I am uninformed and irresponsible. The greatest thing in the world to waste isn't energy. Nor heat. Nor money. Nor gas. Nor time. The greatest thing to waste is the potential given to us in the gifts bestowed.....by always being afraid. You are always afraid. Meanie heads have that in common. Afraid of being found out. Afraid of not being as good. Or as popular. Afraid of everything. Well, I'm not afraid to fail. Done it. It's just fine. And, it makes the victories taste even better.
So, pack your bags and leave my head. I don't need any meanie head voices telling me what to do. Have a great trip. Enjoy your own company.
grace to you.
Responsibility
Tonight I realized that i don't so much want to blame my husband as I want for him to find a way to take responsibility for how he has hurt me. Humiliated me. I want for him to see how his actions caused heartache, pain, and suffering. Instead, he changes his behaviors to try to reap what he wants from me. He has a list mentality, "if I do these things, then I can expect this is return...". That just hurts me more. Sweeping away the reality of what has harmed and exchanging it for just striving to show how good he is only serves to hurt me more.Sometimes what feels like blame is a wishing that someone would own their actions.
I take responsibility for where we are right now. He does not. I am making choices. I am moving on. Very slowly...but, still, moving. Not stagnant. Not staying in the rut. Choosing truth.
Truth is truth? Right? Why does it seem to be so different for different people? Because we all look at it from our perspective. From our own life experience. Makes it difficult to keep it.....true. ;)
But if we seek Him, we will find Him....and He IS truth.
I am not claiming to have more truth than my husband. I just know this.....living as we have is a lie. And as for me, I am turning away from the lie. Don't know what God really thinks about relationships. Just have glimpses in His word. But there is a bedrock of truth that seems to show me that relationships are more than a legal matter. More even than just a sticking around matter. They are Jonathan and David. They are Paul and Timothy. They are Jesus and the Church. They have a special bonding. It's not simple willpower.
I know this kind of relationship. I am capable of it. I don't know if he does. If he has ever had it, I am unaware of it. Because he is about him. I told him once that he is the most selfish person I have ever known. I think it is perhaps true. Well, at least known well. And, I've known some doozies. He's so selfish he doesn't even know that it's selfish. Lives life thinking that it should be good for him because he's a good guy. Doesn't comfort. Well, not us. Maybe others. I could ask around. Doesn't empathize.
I don't need to blame. Blame solves nothing. What I long for is that he would take responsibility. Not that it would change my attitude at this point. Not take it to gain anything. Just because.....it would be right.
grace to you.
I take responsibility for where we are right now. He does not. I am making choices. I am moving on. Very slowly...but, still, moving. Not stagnant. Not staying in the rut. Choosing truth.
Truth is truth? Right? Why does it seem to be so different for different people? Because we all look at it from our perspective. From our own life experience. Makes it difficult to keep it.....true. ;)
But if we seek Him, we will find Him....and He IS truth.
I am not claiming to have more truth than my husband. I just know this.....living as we have is a lie. And as for me, I am turning away from the lie. Don't know what God really thinks about relationships. Just have glimpses in His word. But there is a bedrock of truth that seems to show me that relationships are more than a legal matter. More even than just a sticking around matter. They are Jonathan and David. They are Paul and Timothy. They are Jesus and the Church. They have a special bonding. It's not simple willpower.
I know this kind of relationship. I am capable of it. I don't know if he does. If he has ever had it, I am unaware of it. Because he is about him. I told him once that he is the most selfish person I have ever known. I think it is perhaps true. Well, at least known well. And, I've known some doozies. He's so selfish he doesn't even know that it's selfish. Lives life thinking that it should be good for him because he's a good guy. Doesn't comfort. Well, not us. Maybe others. I could ask around. Doesn't empathize.
I don't need to blame. Blame solves nothing. What I long for is that he would take responsibility. Not that it would change my attitude at this point. Not take it to gain anything. Just because.....it would be right.
grace to you.
Death or Divorce
Seriously, there are more people in the christian world who would support me if my husband died than if we got divorced. This blows my mind. I would be ok. A widow. Though, upon his death, nothing in our relationship would be any better than if we were to get divorced. Nothing would have been made right or good. Somehow it just feels pretty awful. Like the only out is if someone has some fatal disease or accident. Wow. I don't think that is what God intended. I think that marriage isn't supposed to be like this where you just hope for some way out. I think true marriage is full of a lot of good. That takes you til death...and then, is still with you.
Whatever it is that makes that...it's more than just simply commitment to staying in the same house. It is putting another's welfare, joy and well being above your own. And it doesn't work one way. For a time, it's fine. But, as a lifestyle, it's a dead end.
So, here I find myself, married, but not really. I've never known what it is to be cherished. I've truly tried to encourage him, cheerlead, compliment, believe in....you know, all of the how to make a good marriage hints? I have REALLY tried. And the biggest one of all.....prayed. Asked God to help me change. To be a better wife. That he would find me favorable. But, he doesn't. And, fake isn't good enough. It does not fill. It tears down. It destroys my sense of value.
So, I waited all of those years for a "good christian man" and I "saved myself" for marriage. And now I think that I did what the rules were but I missed something. I missed the fact that he has to come alongside as well. He has to leave his family as well. He has to choose to make a life as well.
And, some say that I just have to keep waiting. I guess that's where the until death part comes into their minds. Well, death is separating us. Death of myself. We did come together...but his idea of us being one is to be HIM. So, I slowly died. And, that death has separated us. Because it's impossible for me to become him. To be him. And it's certainly impossible for me to please him
So. Divorce is a death. Not looking for loopholes...I don't need them. I get to decide. God gave me freewill. He gave me a mind. He rules in my life. He leads and guides.
As far as I'm concerned...we are already done. He still just isn't willing to put the smelly corpse in the ground.
Some people tell me that he might change. For his sake, I hope so. But, not interested. Done. Too much hurt done to me and too little caring about it. I just want away so that I don't go the way of hate. Because I don't hate...yet. Angry. Disappointed. Pained. Distraught. Hurt. Heartbroken. But, hate will come if he continues this. I am at the end of it being ok. Of hoping to stay with him.
I hope day and night to be separated. That's pretty much done...doncha' think?
grace to you.
Whatever it is that makes that...it's more than just simply commitment to staying in the same house. It is putting another's welfare, joy and well being above your own. And it doesn't work one way. For a time, it's fine. But, as a lifestyle, it's a dead end.
So, here I find myself, married, but not really. I've never known what it is to be cherished. I've truly tried to encourage him, cheerlead, compliment, believe in....you know, all of the how to make a good marriage hints? I have REALLY tried. And the biggest one of all.....prayed. Asked God to help me change. To be a better wife. That he would find me favorable. But, he doesn't. And, fake isn't good enough. It does not fill. It tears down. It destroys my sense of value.
So, I waited all of those years for a "good christian man" and I "saved myself" for marriage. And now I think that I did what the rules were but I missed something. I missed the fact that he has to come alongside as well. He has to leave his family as well. He has to choose to make a life as well.
And, some say that I just have to keep waiting. I guess that's where the until death part comes into their minds. Well, death is separating us. Death of myself. We did come together...but his idea of us being one is to be HIM. So, I slowly died. And, that death has separated us. Because it's impossible for me to become him. To be him. And it's certainly impossible for me to please him
So. Divorce is a death. Not looking for loopholes...I don't need them. I get to decide. God gave me freewill. He gave me a mind. He rules in my life. He leads and guides.
As far as I'm concerned...we are already done. He still just isn't willing to put the smelly corpse in the ground.
Some people tell me that he might change. For his sake, I hope so. But, not interested. Done. Too much hurt done to me and too little caring about it. I just want away so that I don't go the way of hate. Because I don't hate...yet. Angry. Disappointed. Pained. Distraught. Hurt. Heartbroken. But, hate will come if he continues this. I am at the end of it being ok. Of hoping to stay with him.
I hope day and night to be separated. That's pretty much done...doncha' think?
grace to you.
Butt Heads
I know, it's not a very nice title. But, it beat "Jackasses", soI'm improving. There are some people in life who simply are mean. Some of them seem like it from the very beginning...others...it takes awhile before you get what it is that makes you feel really uncomfortable.
Right now I'm getting the "I love you, can I do anything?" moment of life. It will not last, it is not the norm. I cannot grow to hope for it or expect it. Because soon...it'll be about money, about bullying, about shaming, about arguing. It's this honeymoon kind of time. You know, after the big getting things off his chest and being frustrated, then goes to nice...then the tension starts to mount again. My tension has already begun because I know the drill. The only good part is that I am not as pulled in as I used to be. I am able to hear it and not think, "oh, I have to do this or reciprocate or whatever." Because it's just a process. To get to an end. I am so over that.
Butt heads are all over in the world. Sometimes you'll see me don my cap as well. But, there are people who behave like butt heads occasionally and there are who just ARE butt heads. They see only themselves. The world revolves around getting what they want. And, bullying, manipulating, misinterpreting all work together to make those around them feel crazy. Never able to figure out why things are so not right. But the strangest thing of all is that the people who love and are committed to butt heads....blame themselves, work their rears off to make the world better and right, become solvers and fixers. But no matter how hard they try...it is never "right". Yet, still, they protect and cover and speak politely about the butt head. It's really amazing.
I have to say that butt heads serve a really good purpose in my life. They remind me of who and what I want to be. And what I don't.
grace to you.
Right now I'm getting the "I love you, can I do anything?" moment of life. It will not last, it is not the norm. I cannot grow to hope for it or expect it. Because soon...it'll be about money, about bullying, about shaming, about arguing. It's this honeymoon kind of time. You know, after the big getting things off his chest and being frustrated, then goes to nice...then the tension starts to mount again. My tension has already begun because I know the drill. The only good part is that I am not as pulled in as I used to be. I am able to hear it and not think, "oh, I have to do this or reciprocate or whatever." Because it's just a process. To get to an end. I am so over that.
Butt heads are all over in the world. Sometimes you'll see me don my cap as well. But, there are people who behave like butt heads occasionally and there are who just ARE butt heads. They see only themselves. The world revolves around getting what they want. And, bullying, manipulating, misinterpreting all work together to make those around them feel crazy. Never able to figure out why things are so not right. But the strangest thing of all is that the people who love and are committed to butt heads....blame themselves, work their rears off to make the world better and right, become solvers and fixers. But no matter how hard they try...it is never "right". Yet, still, they protect and cover and speak politely about the butt head. It's really amazing.
I have to say that butt heads serve a really good purpose in my life. They remind me of who and what I want to be. And what I don't.
grace to you.
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