welcome to my home

i have spent years having people in my home.  there isn't much that delights me more than to have them settle in and make themselves at home.  i have learned to find quiet moments in the midst of the chaos to recharge my introvert self.  i have learned a new thing also.
while i made others welcome.  reached out.  served.  was hospitable.  i somehow forgot about myself.  i didn't do the special things for me.  for myself.  this morning i was going to do an invite for coffee, but it didn't work out.  i was anxious to show off my new living space.  it's probably just as well seeing as how i'm still in my jammies and puttering around.  but...normally i would have gone with a different plan.  i would have made do.  instead i made myself breakfast.  and special tea.  instead, i took some time just to breathe and remember what happy looks like.
i also rethought about my flooring.  decided to give myself time to decide.  you know...i like soft carpeted floors.  but...dogs, kids, food...creeps me out.  and i want to build a long farm table to put in that room.  hmm.  i think that i should think upon it some more.  i'm better at planning the living spaces than the eating spaces.  i'll figure it out though.  in the meantime, the paper i've ripped can also go for another floor that i need to do...and i'm learning new things.  it's fun.  not complete yet, but still good.
i am learning to welcome myself into my home.  it is taking practice.  i'm getting there.
and you?  i hope that you feel welcome somewhere....and especially in your own living place.
blessings.

happy warrior woman.

it's easy to back down. to hide.  to pretend that there's nothing up.  it's easy to find a way out.  harder to find a way through.  easier...until it becomes habit.  and until the emotional, social and courage muscles become weaker and weaker and there are more and more things to hide from.  to run away from.  until life completely overwhelms because there's no fight, no standing, no boundaries.  that's a very scary place.
scarier than stepping up.
not meanly.
not with malice.
with courage.
stepping up and being brave about who you are...and sharing it.
stepping up and saying no to people who speak unkindly.  who act unkindly.
i saw a movie last night about a southern family and the family reminded me so very much of my exes real life family...minus the extreme profanity.  it was  chilling, actually.  it was suddenly very clear to me what my family has lived through.  there are happy moments...with that family...and there is this huge underlying abyss that threatens to swallow all.  an abyss of fear and pettiness.  of dominating and ruling.  it's a horrible way to live.  i never quite figured out how to stand in that environment.  because all standing is considered mutiny.
but i have learned to step up.  on behalf of children.  on behalf of friends.  on behalf of myself.
to put my head up and my shoulders back and give it a shot.  not always great....but always a learning experience.
i am stepping up to create my own growth.
stepping up to give encouragement.
stepping up to show compassion.
stepping up to allow some people the kind opportunity to walk away from me.
stepping up is scary.  kind of.  but, as it turns out, in the big picture it is less scary than hiding, than complying, than backing down constantly....because as i step up, my muscles grow.  my courage increases.  after awhile it just feels like...living and not stepping up.  just feels...normal.
i want to step up.
in little things.
people probably won't even notice. but my heart will.  it will grow strong and courageous as i believe the one who gave me life....that he does not intend for me to live in fear.  i love faith in reality.  i love god in the battle.  in the day to day.  not a sermon.  but a testimony.  because he is taking me.....even me....and making a happy warrior woman.  gave me everything i need.  and sticks with me.
life is constantly amazingly beautiful.
blessings.

when happy comes

when happy comes, awareness changes. things become more clearly defined.
when happy comes, it's not with a wave of acting happy.  nor even does it have that much to do with the outward.  happy steals into the heart and curls up in a comfy chair and relaxes.  it's not busy nor is it's purpose to show others.  happy sits and waits for the owner to come and enjoy the peacefulness of what is.  it grabs a blanket and is willing to share.  happy comes in when the door is left open and it lights a fire and warms up the heart.
when happy comes, it's not with fanfare but with contentment.  nothing necessarily happens to make it come.  as a matter of fact, it has been known to come on some pretty ordinary and mundane days.  or, rather it seems to come on those days.  i think that it really has stolen in sooner, but is finally noticed and appreciated on those days.  the warmth is finally appreciated.
when happy comes the whole world changes but not one thing has changed.  happy changes perception and causes the hostess to realize that in the midst of life there is always a warm place in her heart.  she finds an oasis to run to when the world is unfair.
happy isn't work.  or actions.  happy just is.  happy is an action that occurs deep within.  when happy comes it is often mistaken by others as different things. because when happy comes, it frees the hostess to risk and give in her outer life because her inner life knows happy lives there.  and never leaves.  happy never leaves.  ever.  sometimes the owner may block off that area of the heart.  or renovate and forget to notice it's presence.  but happy does not abandon.  it sticks.  especially in bad times.  though others try to get the hostess to kick it out in times of drama trauma or dire circumstances.  happy never flees.  happy has no fear.  none.  happy knows that every day has some good and so does every person.  happy looks at these things.  these moments.  and grows larger.  happy feeds on good.  and like a ravenous pet pig, happy looks for good in order to grow.  to become bigger.  to warm the heart more.  to  be able to see more moments of good.
happy lingers in the heart even when unattended.  waiting to share it's news of good.  but it swells when tended to regularly.  and after awhile becomes  a trusted and most valuable friend.  able and willing to face real life with love and kindness.  with courage and commitment.  happy is humble but definitely not weak.
when happy comes reality becomes...more real.  it's easier to distinguish between mean and kind.  no matter what the gestures or words.  it's easier to be wise.
happy.  comes.
happy. has. come.
oh the simple pleasure of resting with it.
blessings.

rip and wrinkle

today was a pretty laid back day.  my big accomplishment was finishing 95% of my taxes and ripping and wrinkling brown paper.  gotta do my floor you know.  it's going to take..hundreds of chunks.  it's a big room.  and i have to rip not straight. harder than it sounds.  then, ball it up, open it and ball it up the other direction until it's soft like fabric.  tomorrow i'm going to put the stain on some of the pieces and see how that looks.  i still have to fill cracks.  i think i'll do it at night when dogs are going to bed and then will be crated during the day.  gotta plan for these things with creatures in the house. :)  include teens in the count.
i've had a relaxing day.  i'm jazzed still about yesterday's work. kids are not so great at oohing and ahhing, but that's ok.
still have to box up the rest of christmas.  it's the wrapping in newspaper that is so time consuming.  i'm getting there though....a bit at a time.  perhaps it will be thanksgiving when i finish and i can just begin unwrapping again.
i've spent another day all alone.  my daughter did come home just a bit ago.  she went to bed.  still feeling badly.  so, doctor for her tomorrow.  and an oil change for my car.  needs it badly.
i've been productive without being "busy".  not rushed.  not hurried.  and i'm not fussing about the time alone.  doesn't much phase me anymore.  there's a very happy thing.
content to rip and wrinkle paper.  that's novel for me.  but content is what i am.
blessings.

friends

while i find myself in a place in life where i don't quite fit in.  where people are not in the same place of life as i.  where i don't exactly draw people to wanting to hang out with me.  while these are all true....it's also true that i still have friends.  i know beautiful, wonderful people.  they are kind and gentle.  they give their hearts to others.  they are on journeys as well.  and while our journeys differ vastly right now, i am still, daily, thankful for them.  they make my life fuller.  richer.  they make me hopeful that one day i'll make it back to a place where i am more fun to be around.  these friends show me how good good can be.
no, i'm not the one invited, texted, called, visited.  not right now.  but just in case you think that i am isolated or without benefit of knowing good folks....i am not.  i am blessed by some amazing, creative, lovely souls.
and i know that at some point i will be one of those lovely souls again.
for now....i think that i'm just a drain to them.  that's ok.  i'm learning how to move ever forward.  i'll get there.  balance is coming.
i've had to do a lot of firsts this last year.  i've whined quite a lot.  cussed.  been rather.....unpleasant.  on the other hand......i have been real!  that's progress. now, to get to the point where real and pleasant are hand in hand.
time helps.
and my friends....they'll be around.  even if right now things are weird.
blessings.

relaxing

twinkle lights in my living room.  laying here on the sofa.  warm house.  glass of wine.
looking back.  remembering.  cowering inside.  but trying hard.  really hard. the many months...over a year...that i slept on this couch or on the floor in this very room.  i cried...nearly every night.  i could. not. breathe.  at all.  it was the most strangely difficult time of my life.
i've lived through so much but that time was horrifically worse than the other difficult times.  i was trying to keep something dead alive.  giving all of my energy.  prayers.  strength.  everything. and finding day after day........that i wasn't enough....wasn't acceptable.  wasn't smart enough......frugal enough....neat enough...crazy it was.  crazy making.  seriously horrible.
and i remember when he came into this space.  and said he was my husband and i belonged to him.  and i remember how i broke at that moment.  broke.  done.  finished.  forever.  not his to cherish. or nurture. or encourage.  his to own.  to have sex with.  to dominate.  i sat up on a footstool the rest of the night.  shaking.  trembling.  after that, i didn't sleep without my keys and my phone.  i slept in a recliner where he couldn't lay next to me.
i shake now.  my throat closes up.
most of the time, i forget about that time.
he apparently has.
because he makes it as if everything was hunky dory.  he just doesn't understand why i divorced him.  and he knows that by doing that he makes my life miserable.....because people dislike me for being so unkind...so unchristian.  but.  his attempt to make my life miserable only worked temporarily.
because though they believe him, i do not.  i bought into his ideas for too long.
however, now, even in this very room..i am safe.  i am happy.  i am growing.  and he is still a jerk.  he stil is all about him.
and though i'm mostly alone...i won't always be.  i will heal and be able to be a better friend to people again  eventually i will again be someone that others want to be with.  until then, i'll just get reacquainted with myself.  i'll learn to laugh and weep and think and be satisfied.  i will not assume that it is someone else's job to make me happy. i will take that responsibility.
i am relaxing.  though i forced myself to do something hard.  face a demon.  stomp it. crush it.  pray over this space and know that it's not the same anymore.  new.
doesn't feel at all the same.
and though it was a terrifying journey to the past....and though my brain and stomach and breathing suffered temporarily.  i did it.  and i walked on through.  i didn't get stuck
so i'm relaxing.  chilling.
yawning now.  gonna head to MY bedroom.  MY bed.  where i rest so much better.  lovely what good has come in two years.
blessings.

feet up

hard work.  feels good.  kinda tired.  but happy.  haven't even begun on the renovating...only the tear apart and put the furniture in one room part.  but i've made it comfy.  that's nice.

happy.

though i am tired.  though i spent the entire day on my own.  had not one moment of adult conversation.  none.  well...i could include talking to myself while i was moving the piano and pool table?  most of the day i was all alone without my teens as well.  wow.  images of what is to come.  though it's odd.  different.  not what i imagined.  though i had different hopes for my life.  i have determined that i will create happiness.  not only that, but joy.  i have decided that i will not wallow in self pity nor will i wish for what isn't.  i will simply move forward into each day and find good where i may.  purposefully.  intentionally.  every day.  

i will rest when i need to.  i will work hard too.  

i will learn to enjoy change.  and i will stick to what i need to do.  i will be proud of myself. not self condemning.  but i will also be truthful with myself.  i have a lot of things to work on.  i AM working on them.  i will not feel shame for needing to work on them.  i'm not there yet....and that's ok.

my feet are up.  i'm kinda tired.  ok.  really tired.  gonna be sore tomorrow.  i think that i'll have a glass of wine and watch a show.  

the by product of my effort?  i made a place in my home that i actually feel....at home...besides for my bedroom or kitchen.  now THAT'S  a productive day.

you are not alone you know...there are a lot of other christian women who have "failed".  and though the world becomes a strange and different place as you update your place and value and purpose....it is still a good place.  and god still has a plan for you.

blessings.

change

i am making changes in......just about everything.  beginning with in me.  creating an attitude that i can live with. creating ideas that motivate me to move forward.  creating a peaceful heart by paying attention to the things that make me ill at ease and taking care of myself in those moments.
i am creating a home that isn't what it was before.  it's easy to get caught up in just moving things around...but what about actually CHANGING things?  the look.  the feel.  the use.  that's what i'm about right now.  and it's really fun.
i am currently sitting in what used to be my living room.  then, after the ex moved out, i changed it into the kid's game room.  it has a pool table in it.  oh, and air hockey.  and now, it also has a love seat, two sitting chairs and a sleeper sofa.  it's a large room.  it's, um, cozy?  but, it works for the time being.  because i am in the process of completely emptying my old family room in an effort to decide exactly what i want to do with it.  i really want to put venetian plaster on the walls.  in a dove gray tone to go with the stone of my fireplace.  with lots of texture and undertones.  and i want to put down a papered floor.  also a lot of work.  but not beyond my ability.  not at all.  i can do these things.  and if i mess up?  ah.  well....um...does it really matter???  i tried and i learned.  that way i'll be better when i move on to the other rooms!  because i find that i have ideas.  pictures in my head.  i've never really taken the time to look at them because i was always expected to settle for something less.  expected to be content with how it was because we had it remodeled those um....well, it's about eight years ago now.  but right after that, there were things that i really disliked.  i have alleviated some of them, but now i want to move on to what is in my brain.
sitting here in this cozy room i actually find that i want to DO things more than i want to escape.  and that is good.  because i have had to simply rest under the comforter for a good long time.
i'm a little.....alone.  not exactly lonely.  but i do notice that i have to do things on my own.  that's ok.  i'll get there.  slowly.
change is freeing.  inspiring.  not just for the heck of it.  not because i'm expected to.  no.  because it's in my soul.  i'm changing from the inside out.
it feels really good.
not that i ever get to talk about it.  only you lucky ones get to hear of these mini mile stones.  but for me, they are like marathons.
blessings.

what words mean

i have been learning what words mean.  not foreign words.  just...regular words.
words like....can't....don't have time....
i have come to realize that when people say they can't or don't have time or are busy that it really means that they don't choose me.  they are choosing someone or something else.  bottom line is that we all have a given amount of time in any day, week, year, lifetime.  we CHOOSE what to do with the time.  what to work at.  what to play at.  and sometimes people do not choose us.  they choose activities or others.  they choose work.  they choose projects.
and what i've learned is that for a few in my life i know that i am genuinely interested and committed because i choose them over other things.  and today i realized that perhaps they just think that i have no other things when i do it......that i'm just fitting them around stuff when in reality i am choosing them over and before other things.
that's ok.  i haven't found a place in life where i'm chosen first.  where other stuff gets put aside.  but it turns out that i'm ok with realizing it and getting over it.  can't change it.  i'll just enjoy what i'm doing.  each day.  and who i'm choosing to be around.  and what i am accomplishing.
one day maybe ill be in the position that i am chosen.  cherished.  i don't mean romantically.  i just mean relationally.  with family.  with friends.  i am finding that my older children are learning this skill.  i teach it more and more intentionally.  put those you value ahead of other things.  put aside other plans.  put aside selfishness.  not always.  but do it to make someone feel valued.  chosen.  it's amazing how loudly it speaks!
so, now when i hear that people don't have time, have other plans are hanging out with umpteen others, have visitors, need to whatever....i know.....they are making a choice to do something that is not me.  if that is the norm then i need to evaluate.  perhaps i am not valued by them.  not when it's now and then, but with some people, it's the regular, standard answer.  if that's the case, i need to not be hurt.  i need to hear what's being said and get real.  "they're just not that interested in me."
sounds pathetic....but it's actually freeing.
blessings.

purpose

i have a sense of purpose.  of where i am going.  of where i am...and why.   i have a clue.  that's a nice thing.
today i woke up. i could have done as i have been known to do this last couple of years...turn on a show.  turn over and go back to sleep.  instead, i brought my dreams into my reality.  i want to learn to venetian plaster.  for real.  like a boss.  none of the crap looking stuff.  and i want to do floors.  uniquely and fun.  i want to get rid of stuff around my house.  i want to lose weight.  i don't want to go to a gym.
but you see, if i do the things that are my dreams then i can also achieve some of my other dreams.  getting up and getting moving will help me trim down.  getting rid of stuff will help me be ready when i want to travel. having my home look a way that pleases my sense will bring me peace...but so will the doing.
so, i'm up.  i'm wishing that i hadn't noticed last night that most of my calls on my phone were....to my kid's school for being sick.  that i hadn't noticed that the other calls and texts were if someone wanted something.  a smatteringdraws away my energy.  of one or two over months where someone was reaching out.  they are nice.  they aren't my norm.  i wish i hadn't noticed because it crushes me just a little bit.

oh well.  i can only move onward.  i have a life that i want to live.  a life that creates and gives and loves.  a life.  a real life.  and it is only given a day at a time.  i want to live it with laughter.  and work.  i want my work to be my play.  i want to do beautiful things.  i think that i can create some pretty amazing things.  i'm sure of it.  it will take time and effort and practice.  but there's something in me.  others don't really see it.  i don't either!  but i feel it.  sense it.  like when you know a storm is coming without seeing the clouds.  you just...know.  or when you wake up in the night and know that it has snowed without seeing it...the subtle change of light and sound.  it's just........there...though you can't put your finger on what it is or what has changed.  i want to have a home that speaks to my soul.  i want to learn to not be afraid of trying things.  i don't want unfinished projects. drives me crazy.
1. walls.

2. floors

3. cabinets

4. window coverings
5. new doors.
6.with new locks. :)
7. beauty.  as it strikes.  with color.  and texture.  i love texture.

8.  get rid.  don't need. don't want.  trash.  stuff.  clutter.  accumulation. be done.  let it go.  30 a day.
9. writing.  every single day. no days off.  no holidays.  every day. no matter what needs to come out.  like pooping...it's healthy. :)
10. cooking.  remember that i love to do it.  and eating.  no shortcuts.   the real deal.
11. coffee and tea.  invite. be invited....these will have to come eventually because as of now it's not too often, but still......in process.

12. speak.  kindly. gently. truthfully. encouragingly.  be real.
13. travel. but don't run away
14.  have faith that i was created for these things.  they are a list that "rolls off" of my tongue without effort.

15. go to the bank....seriously, i have to go, it's saturday on a three day weekend!
enjoy your day.
blessings.