relaxing

twinkle lights in my living room.  laying here on the sofa.  warm house.  glass of wine.
looking back.  remembering.  cowering inside.  but trying hard.  really hard. the many months...over a year...that i slept on this couch or on the floor in this very room.  i cried...nearly every night.  i could. not. breathe.  at all.  it was the most strangely difficult time of my life.
i've lived through so much but that time was horrifically worse than the other difficult times.  i was trying to keep something dead alive.  giving all of my energy.  prayers.  strength.  everything. and finding day after day........that i wasn't enough....wasn't acceptable.  wasn't smart enough......frugal enough....neat enough...crazy it was.  crazy making.  seriously horrible.
and i remember when he came into this space.  and said he was my husband and i belonged to him.  and i remember how i broke at that moment.  broke.  done.  finished.  forever.  not his to cherish. or nurture. or encourage.  his to own.  to have sex with.  to dominate.  i sat up on a footstool the rest of the night.  shaking.  trembling.  after that, i didn't sleep without my keys and my phone.  i slept in a recliner where he couldn't lay next to me.
i shake now.  my throat closes up.
most of the time, i forget about that time.
he apparently has.
because he makes it as if everything was hunky dory.  he just doesn't understand why i divorced him.  and he knows that by doing that he makes my life miserable.....because people dislike me for being so unkind...so unchristian.  but.  his attempt to make my life miserable only worked temporarily.
because though they believe him, i do not.  i bought into his ideas for too long.
however, now, even in this very room..i am safe.  i am happy.  i am growing.  and he is still a jerk.  he stil is all about him.
and though i'm mostly alone...i won't always be.  i will heal and be able to be a better friend to people again  eventually i will again be someone that others want to be with.  until then, i'll just get reacquainted with myself.  i'll learn to laugh and weep and think and be satisfied.  i will not assume that it is someone else's job to make me happy. i will take that responsibility.
i am relaxing.  though i forced myself to do something hard.  face a demon.  stomp it. crush it.  pray over this space and know that it's not the same anymore.  new.
doesn't feel at all the same.
and though it was a terrifying journey to the past....and though my brain and stomach and breathing suffered temporarily.  i did it.  and i walked on through.  i didn't get stuck
so i'm relaxing.  chilling.
yawning now.  gonna head to MY bedroom.  MY bed.  where i rest so much better.  lovely what good has come in two years.
blessings.