hard facts

don't know why i still struggle with hard facts.  maybe because they are...hard? difficult.  the fact is that many of the people that i always considered friends now give me the cold shoulder. no reaching out from them.  and when i invite them or reach out, i almost have to feel guilty.  they don't answer or have a reason that they can't be there.  and mostly, i'm learning to just face it. but when it happens to my daughter?  it crushes me.  and i have to let it go.  have to let her learn to live through it as well.

weight.  on me.  sadness.  difficulty.  but, fact. and god will sustain her.  teach her.  reach out to her.  and he will be enough.

but frankly, sometimes i don't understand why some people are those that people reach out to.  even if they don't do more or help more or whatever.  just normal people.  guess we're not "normal"?  don't know what it is.

and i spent a long time weeping about it.  a long time feeling sorry for us.  a long time wondering what is wrong with us.  and finally, i wonder..."what is wrong with THEM"?  why do they not show more interest and compassion?  why do they not simply take the time to be a good friend?  why do they make it hard by drifting away, saying no, avoiding, ignoring?  why is it that my daughter invites but is rarely invited?  why is the same true for me?  and my son that is at home?  why aren't they kinder to them?  more nurturing?  why doesn't anyone bother to see how deeply they long to be understood?  that they love their dad.  but that it wasn't the kind of relationship that feeds their soul.  

i still cry when i see daddies doing daddy things with their kids.  like the daddy at the doctor's office the other day.  the daddy that calls me on the phone about his daughter.  the grandpa that says how much he adores his grandchildren.....to them.  the father embracing his daughter at the airport and her him.....weeping to leave one another. oh my goodness.  my kids have never known that kind of love from their father.  not that he doesn't love.  but he loves in a self motivated, performance way.  if you....then i love you more.  

and i guess others treat them that way too.  because they are ok now.  and that makes some people upset.  others just want to be loyal to their dad.  it's weird.  but it's a fact.  a hard one.

and i'll pray.  for them.  for me.  because hard facts they are.  and they tend to chip away at happy if i let them.  but i choose not to let them.  i will use those hard facts as the firm foundation for my new happy life.  for loving better.  for reaching out more.  even when i am misunderstood or taken for granted or even ignored. and sometimes i will just release.  without malice.  understanding that they are doing the best that they can.  and i will teach it to my children.  but i won't pretend that it didn't happen.  i will validate their hurt.  because they do hurt.  and we don't have to be silent over such things anymore.  but, when my daughter cries, it rips out my heart.  and when my son says, "it's fine, it doesn't matter...." it squeezes my soul.  because it does matter to him.  and he tries so hard to be grown up and make it not matter.

inviting people in.  people who are hurting.  i used to do that.  then i became one of the hurting.  and somehow i had become so invisible over the years and i am so positive normally that people don't see the hurt.  hard fact.  but not insurmountable.

the ex doesn't help. and he was here today. talking to the neighbor.  having my son go get stuff out of the barn without asking me....again.  "whatever" i think.  and then i remember to be proactive.  ned to give him his stuff and be done with it.  seriously.  

take my own responsibility but not for others.  when they hurt me, it's not always my fault.  i have heard the weirdest words lately.  feels like i can't say anything right.  but i shouldn't have to try to sound right all of the time with my friends.  i don't know when it got so hard.

it just did.  hard.  fact.

blessings.