choices

so much comes at once.  sometimes it's hard to process it all.  it's hard to step back and realize that i have choices to make.  it is difficult to decide my course of action when the difficulties keep bombarding me.....like hailstones in a storm.  pelting.  and in those moments, it's too easy to become reactionary rather than purposefully choosing what i want and who i want to be.
the drama of graduation has already begun.   and every time i turn around it feels as if my kid is being sideswiped by hard news.....confusing for him...uncomfortable.  and i am in the midst of crises at school and the whole thing about graduation is that it was simple...and decided...and he was comfortable and then things started changing....and it threw him off.  pow. pow. pow.  but.  stop.  wait.  what do it want?  who do i want to be?
oh yes.  i remember.
son, what do you really want for your graduation and party?  ok.  i can take care of some of those things.  i will communicate with your dad and let him know so that you won't be in the middle.  some things i can't help with.  that's how life goes.  but i can do whatever it is that reduces him feeling like a pawn.  so i did.
done.
on with life.
i can't change whether his friends come to his party.
i can't change the fact that his dad's extended family is all coming in to town for his graduation after they didn't come to his brother's graduation at all. can you say awkward? or hurtful?
but, i can make sure that his dad knows that he doesn't want to have his graduation party at a vacation rental that the texas family is acquiring for their stay.  and i can make sure that all of them, including his dad, know that they are welcome for the party.
and i did.  though it's a hard thing, it's about my kid.  i will give him what i can.
my kids haven't gotten much sympathy nor kindness nor gentleness since the divorce.  they don't have anyone that seems to give a rip, actually.
nonetheless, there are things that i can do to alleviate the stress and help to keep things calm and peaceful in life.
my choice.
peace.
create it.
joy.
create it.
happy.
create it.
boy.....it has been quite a few days.  i feel pretty alone in it.
but, i choose to take a breath, make a choice and do what needs to be done.
blessings.