life is confusing sometimes. it's messy and mixed up and never quite as smooth as i think that it could be...or wish that it would be. since being divorced, i have experienced a lot of relational...read friendship, not romance....glitches. mostly, i just pass through, but sometimes, they knock me for a loop. and, turns out, my daughter experiences some of the same things. we have talked it over. we have bemoaned how difficult it is. we have come to the conclusion that the choices are ours to make. i love that girl. i love how she can tell me lovingly and yet with tears in her eyes what is lacking, what she needs and be kind with her words. i love how she can see what she needs. and as many times as life knocks her down, she keeps getting up.
this whole divorce thing has been interesting. maybe because we both seem to strong...maybe because people are insensitive...maybe because...who knows?...but we have not really experienced much gentleness nor kindness. no special treatment. no reaching out. nobody who does what we need when they have things they would rather do. and my daughter has noticed. and has compared. and has wept. but. she also has noticed this one person that has very few friends but who treats her so well. actually reaches out TO her. and she is nurturing that slowly along. though it's not easy for her. and i feel similarly. like i have friends, but that my friends don't have me. weird. like i regard some people as a friend, but they regard me...as a fixture? someone that is there but not given any special status. it has been....a little disconcerting. uncomfortable. maybe because i'm not so willing to settle anymore.
but. i have grown stronger. i spend a lot of time alone. my phone rings rarely. emails...well, thank goodness for spam. and if it weren't for bills, junk mail and college advertisements for my kids, my mailbox would be full of cobwebs. i am not on any A lists. actually, i often if the words, "if we don't have anything else to do, we'll see you there.." and i think, "well thanks." and i used to wait around. now i just go on living. i don't expect anyone to say yes. i don't expect to be invited anywhere. and when i get a phone call, i assume that it's someone who needs to make logistical arrangements. and that's ok for now. it's how things are. i can't will them to change. i can't keep grieving...though i did. it's hard to want to give and receive and find that you are rather.........alone. the thing is that i have to learn, just like my daughter, to live. not to wait. and i need to learn that some people just don't find it convenient to be around anymore. at least not like they were.
so. i don't plan on going out and making new friends. i just plan on developing who and how i want to be. i plan on learning to bless and be kind....and yet, not be used. i plan on hoping for the best but dealing with it when nobody shows.
can't remember the last time somebody sought me out. really. who wanted to BE with me. because i'm me.
so, i get what my daughter is talking about when she talks about that imposition feeling. that feeling that other people get the hugs and invites while she is invisible. i get it. she gets it. we get it. and for now...that is enough.
life IS messy. and sometimes painful. and relationships are too. i know now that i can't change anything about anyone. i can't make them want me or want time with me or see me. neither can my daughter. all we can do is patiently build who we are and enjoy where we are. because where we are is real. no pretense. no fake. just...life. and life is beautiful.
blessings.
this whole divorce thing has been interesting. maybe because we both seem to strong...maybe because people are insensitive...maybe because...who knows?...but we have not really experienced much gentleness nor kindness. no special treatment. no reaching out. nobody who does what we need when they have things they would rather do. and my daughter has noticed. and has compared. and has wept. but. she also has noticed this one person that has very few friends but who treats her so well. actually reaches out TO her. and she is nurturing that slowly along. though it's not easy for her. and i feel similarly. like i have friends, but that my friends don't have me. weird. like i regard some people as a friend, but they regard me...as a fixture? someone that is there but not given any special status. it has been....a little disconcerting. uncomfortable. maybe because i'm not so willing to settle anymore.
but. i have grown stronger. i spend a lot of time alone. my phone rings rarely. emails...well, thank goodness for spam. and if it weren't for bills, junk mail and college advertisements for my kids, my mailbox would be full of cobwebs. i am not on any A lists. actually, i often if the words, "if we don't have anything else to do, we'll see you there.." and i think, "well thanks." and i used to wait around. now i just go on living. i don't expect anyone to say yes. i don't expect to be invited anywhere. and when i get a phone call, i assume that it's someone who needs to make logistical arrangements. and that's ok for now. it's how things are. i can't will them to change. i can't keep grieving...though i did. it's hard to want to give and receive and find that you are rather.........alone. the thing is that i have to learn, just like my daughter, to live. not to wait. and i need to learn that some people just don't find it convenient to be around anymore. at least not like they were.
so. i don't plan on going out and making new friends. i just plan on developing who and how i want to be. i plan on learning to bless and be kind....and yet, not be used. i plan on hoping for the best but dealing with it when nobody shows.
can't remember the last time somebody sought me out. really. who wanted to BE with me. because i'm me.
so, i get what my daughter is talking about when she talks about that imposition feeling. that feeling that other people get the hugs and invites while she is invisible. i get it. she gets it. we get it. and for now...that is enough.
life IS messy. and sometimes painful. and relationships are too. i know now that i can't change anything about anyone. i can't make them want me or want time with me or see me. neither can my daughter. all we can do is patiently build who we are and enjoy where we are. because where we are is real. no pretense. no fake. just...life. and life is beautiful.
blessings.
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