yes. that's exhausted. it's ALMOST 8pm. but...on the east coast, it's almost 10, so i'm sure that it's ok to have already eaten, had my bath, fed the dogs and have on my jammies, lights out, curled up in bed. cozy.
i have to give myself permission. it's still hard for me. i spent a lot of years having to perform. having to keep going when i was truly spent. and now, i have learned to do a lot of self talk. that i am allowed to go to bed because i'm tired...not because it's a certain time. not because i've finished. not because i've earned it. simply because....i'm tired.
but it's hard still. those words that run in my mind. but mostly, the welling up of emotion. shame. guilt. huge. billowing around me.
and i close my eyes. take a huge breath. hold it. let it out. and breathe. slowly. methodically. and i CHOOSE WHAT TO THINK.
and i think, "it's ok to go to sleep. it's ok to rest. i get to choose how to handle what i need and how i feel. i am not a failure because i am going to bed without cleaning the kitchen. i worked hard today. i will be and do better tomorrow if i am well rested."
and i keep rehearsing the truths that i know....but have trouble truly feeling. believing. but i can create an environment for truth to flourish. for my heart to heal. for my mind to hear what is true. it takes time. because i lived through a lot. and i have to train for a different life.
and being exhausted is a great training ground. a great moment to remember what was...and what should be. so i breathe. simply breathe. and relax my face. my muscles. my body. unclench my jaw. yawn. and choose. that he will not continue to steal true rest from me. it is my god given right.
and i claim it. i claim peace. of heart. mind. and body.
i choose to create something new. something real. something that is true living.
i don't know all of what it looks like. but i know what it looks like tonight.
good night. blessings.
i have to give myself permission. it's still hard for me. i spent a lot of years having to perform. having to keep going when i was truly spent. and now, i have learned to do a lot of self talk. that i am allowed to go to bed because i'm tired...not because it's a certain time. not because i've finished. not because i've earned it. simply because....i'm tired.
but it's hard still. those words that run in my mind. but mostly, the welling up of emotion. shame. guilt. huge. billowing around me.
and i close my eyes. take a huge breath. hold it. let it out. and breathe. slowly. methodically. and i CHOOSE WHAT TO THINK.
and i think, "it's ok to go to sleep. it's ok to rest. i get to choose how to handle what i need and how i feel. i am not a failure because i am going to bed without cleaning the kitchen. i worked hard today. i will be and do better tomorrow if i am well rested."
and i keep rehearsing the truths that i know....but have trouble truly feeling. believing. but i can create an environment for truth to flourish. for my heart to heal. for my mind to hear what is true. it takes time. because i lived through a lot. and i have to train for a different life.
and being exhausted is a great training ground. a great moment to remember what was...and what should be. so i breathe. simply breathe. and relax my face. my muscles. my body. unclench my jaw. yawn. and choose. that he will not continue to steal true rest from me. it is my god given right.
and i claim it. i claim peace. of heart. mind. and body.
i choose to create something new. something real. something that is true living.
i don't know all of what it looks like. but i know what it looks like tonight.
good night. blessings.
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