my ex

my ex holds too many keys to drive me crazy.
it's time to change the locks.
to change the ignition.
to choose to not be reached by his tactics.
it's hard.
he seems to find out what i've said to others...or here.
it's weird.
who tells him what i have to say?
or told him of this safe place?
or tries to make him feel better by telling him by business?
why is he so looked after?
so cared for?
he was not nice to me.
he acts like he was.
but he caused so much pain.
he made so many conscious choices to cause grief.
he was angry.
and difficult to make happy.
and jealous.
but he acted so nice.
and outgoing.
underneath,
he simmered.
he scared me after time.
at first i didn't realize.
didn't see.
felt something was amiss.
but just kept praying that i would be a better wife.
never better enough, apparently.
maybe there is someone that he can just simply love
or maybe he just can't.
maybe he always has to hold things over someone.
compete.
and he still does it.
though we are apart.
pushes.
never communicates things to me.
uses the kids.
knows that they are a weak point.
does the same with my friends.
and sometimes i succumb to the
game.
the prods.
i take the bait.
get irritated.
hurt.
feel small.
again.
he isn't thoughtful.
doesn't ask me for things from my house.
goes around me.
asks the kids.
sends our son.
loans out stuff from the house and tells people to come here to get it.
won't take the stuff he wants.
says he can't store it.
won't give it up either.
tries to make it impossible for me.
because he knows that i'm not heartless.
he uses that against me.
tries to push me.
then he can say how mean i was.
show people how unfair i am.
again.
i divorced him, you know.
he doesn't understand, he tells them.
he doesn't know why, he says.
he wears his wedding ring
and acts like somehow he is being religious.
more christian than me.
and i suppose he is.
he won't share our church.
i tried to say let's take every other week.
but on my week, he would sit behind me.
awkward.
and he would act like he didn't understand.
wounded.
i guess that i'm having a rough night.
he's making plans with the kids day in and day out.
he refused to take any specific days.
but takes when he wants...without notice.
but then he behaves to everyone else as if he's taking responsibility.
like he's dad of the year.
nothing has changed.
except that i don't have to live with it.
and though he pretend that he's still married by wearing his ring
it's a farce.
a fake.
and maybe eventually others will see
how he uses things
and people
and how he refuses to actually have a relationship
or to work things out
but simply wants to control stuff
and his family
and show them off
and show off how good he is.
yep. he pushed my buttons today.
but i'm working through it.
figuring out how to be proactive.
how to deal with the way he pokes and prods.
and never ever simply emails me to say
"can i"
"would it be alright if"
"are you"
nope.
just like with graduation.
he made plans with his family.
for his son.
without asking his son.
assuming that they wouldn't be welcome
but didn't ask
aaaaahhhhhh.
what a jerk.
look....i've improved my language.
i don't like him much.
he is hurtful.
and he uses his divorce to reap benefits.
and he sucks people into feeling sorry for him.
and he kisses up to all of our old friends
and leaves none
absolutely none
untouched.
i am appalled at how he has reached out to every single person we've known
including my family
and my best friends.
it startles me still when i find out another one
but it shouldn't
because he didn't even leave my besties for me.
no grace.
no exit.
no kindness
no understanding
just the same as he has been
all about himself.
competing.
needing to win.
and that is why i've had to learn to change how i respond
how i live
how i find joy
because he doesn't choose to change
he chooses to appear as if he's been harmed
when in reality he did the damage
he did the breaking
he did the hurting
and he has never taken responsibility for that
and he crushed our son
and he doesn't take ownership for that
and he wasn't a part of the family
he was his own person and we were six
and he came in and out as he chose
he was his own circle
while we functioned as one
not he and i
the kids and i
he always had a different life
things that were more important
and until i had other things
he didn't notice me
but when i had other things
he became jealous
quietly
horribly
jealous
he couldn't ever stand me to have
anything he didn't have
nothing.
so,
it makes sense why he now has to scoop up all of our friends
it just wouldn't be in his nature to let go
to give in
to do something simply because it makes me happy
never did before.
don't know why i even think that it will happen now.
he's an interesting man
smart
nice looking
charming
funny.
and he makes me shake.
a pit in my stomach
head pound
teeth grit.
need a blanket
that's what happened again today
but i put it aside
until now
because i had things to do
and at least i've come far enough that i can shove it aside until i'm ready
to deal with it!
that's progress!!
ok.
done whining.
better here
than in the world i live in
because here i can just say it and leave it
and be done with it
and not hurt anyone that i know.
and not be hurt by the fact that everyone i know chooses him....
even if they choose me too
it's horrible
i absolutely hate that
and i hate that he doesn't back away gracefully
not from anything or anyone.
and he even was a jerk with MY family.
i forget sometimes
how bad it was
i get so happy with now.
and the details fade
and then there's that trigger
and oh my
do i remember
like the flash of a camera lighting it up
off to a show and warm comforters
maybe a glass of wine.
good night.
be well.
blessings.