today i walked out of work. i stayed longer than my teacher friends. i was carpooling. they went for FAC...friday afternoon club. as i crossed the parking lot it struck me. i would have nothing planned nor anyone to hang out with. i could have coffee with a friend and get home a little later. but really, i need to remember to quit asking. always feel so silly. i mean, seriously, how many times does someone have to tell you no before you go, "oh, yeah, got it." ha. yep, i feel a little silly as i succumbed to asking. because i guess i dreaded the not being invited. but the thing is that it's just part of being single. and being an introvert. i don't have 90 people hankering to hang out with me. apparently, i don't really have any. kind of funny really. i spent a good many years hosting and having people over and i guess i never really noticed that i had failed to develop relationships that would withstand the earthquake of divorce. i thought i had. i am learning the obvious....if it's not happening, then i didn't.
i'm not sad.
there was a momentary catch of breath. of knowing that i'm not........missed or hoped to be around or desired company. i mean, i'm not a pariah, but i'm not the person that people say, "hey, wanna come in and have tea?" i guess it's something i have to work on. not sure that i really have the strength to do it at this stage of life. i guess they will just have to take me or leave me.
nearly two years ago, i filed for a legal separation. nearly. not there yet. come a long way. and have a long way to go.
but today, i fought hard battles and won. the battle of attitude. the battle of kindness. the battle of being happy. i used every ounce of strength to choose a good attitude. to choose to be kind. to choose to be happy. and...to create good places for myself and for others.
to create a life that will be satisfying. real. genuine. full. it's not easy. but it is filling. sustaining. life giving.
i was created to encourage. to love. to be....sensitive. and i am. sometimes to my detriment. but i am funny and silly and fun and nice to be around when given relaxed time to do it in. i need sharing. but for now i'm just going to have to be patient.
today i realized that some of the things i thought were forever aren't. even if people said that they were. and that was a hard few moments. because for the first time i actually knew that was true. when nobody asks the deep stuff. when nobody seeks you out. when nobody says, "no, we need to REALLY talk." well. for me...it's hard. but it is not life ending. i'm not horrible. i've been through a tough few years. several years. many years. i am raw. but i am also happy. all mixed up together. sometimes i feel embarrassed that i'm not the person asked to go or to visit. sometimes i'm ashamed that nobody just calls me. or texts me. or writes me. or emails me. sometimes. but i'm kinda mostly over it.
i'm a nice person. quirky and weird. but nice. different. but really loyal. and maybe in time, it will change. but for now, i just figure that i'm in a learning mode. that i am in training for how to live even when things are super hard. and i'm doing it. anyway.
i hope that your night is great. and if you find yourself alone like i will be...don't despair. you are worthy. you are beautiful. you have purpose. right now you are just learning how to be content with yourself.
blessings.
i'm not sad.
there was a momentary catch of breath. of knowing that i'm not........missed or hoped to be around or desired company. i mean, i'm not a pariah, but i'm not the person that people say, "hey, wanna come in and have tea?" i guess it's something i have to work on. not sure that i really have the strength to do it at this stage of life. i guess they will just have to take me or leave me.
nearly two years ago, i filed for a legal separation. nearly. not there yet. come a long way. and have a long way to go.
but today, i fought hard battles and won. the battle of attitude. the battle of kindness. the battle of being happy. i used every ounce of strength to choose a good attitude. to choose to be kind. to choose to be happy. and...to create good places for myself and for others.
to create a life that will be satisfying. real. genuine. full. it's not easy. but it is filling. sustaining. life giving.
i was created to encourage. to love. to be....sensitive. and i am. sometimes to my detriment. but i am funny and silly and fun and nice to be around when given relaxed time to do it in. i need sharing. but for now i'm just going to have to be patient.
today i realized that some of the things i thought were forever aren't. even if people said that they were. and that was a hard few moments. because for the first time i actually knew that was true. when nobody asks the deep stuff. when nobody seeks you out. when nobody says, "no, we need to REALLY talk." well. for me...it's hard. but it is not life ending. i'm not horrible. i've been through a tough few years. several years. many years. i am raw. but i am also happy. all mixed up together. sometimes i feel embarrassed that i'm not the person asked to go or to visit. sometimes i'm ashamed that nobody just calls me. or texts me. or writes me. or emails me. sometimes. but i'm kinda mostly over it.
i'm a nice person. quirky and weird. but nice. different. but really loyal. and maybe in time, it will change. but for now, i just figure that i'm in a learning mode. that i am in training for how to live even when things are super hard. and i'm doing it. anyway.
i hope that your night is great. and if you find yourself alone like i will be...don't despair. you are worthy. you are beautiful. you have purpose. right now you are just learning how to be content with yourself.
blessings.
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