happy warrior woman.

it's easy to back down. to hide.  to pretend that there's nothing up.  it's easy to find a way out.  harder to find a way through.  easier...until it becomes habit.  and until the emotional, social and courage muscles become weaker and weaker and there are more and more things to hide from.  to run away from.  until life completely overwhelms because there's no fight, no standing, no boundaries.  that's a very scary place.
scarier than stepping up.
not meanly.
not with malice.
with courage.
stepping up and being brave about who you are...and sharing it.
stepping up and saying no to people who speak unkindly.  who act unkindly.
i saw a movie last night about a southern family and the family reminded me so very much of my exes real life family...minus the extreme profanity.  it was  chilling, actually.  it was suddenly very clear to me what my family has lived through.  there are happy moments...with that family...and there is this huge underlying abyss that threatens to swallow all.  an abyss of fear and pettiness.  of dominating and ruling.  it's a horrible way to live.  i never quite figured out how to stand in that environment.  because all standing is considered mutiny.
but i have learned to step up.  on behalf of children.  on behalf of friends.  on behalf of myself.
to put my head up and my shoulders back and give it a shot.  not always great....but always a learning experience.
i am stepping up to create my own growth.
stepping up to give encouragement.
stepping up to show compassion.
stepping up to allow some people the kind opportunity to walk away from me.
stepping up is scary.  kind of.  but, as it turns out, in the big picture it is less scary than hiding, than complying, than backing down constantly....because as i step up, my muscles grow.  my courage increases.  after awhile it just feels like...living and not stepping up.  just feels...normal.
i want to step up.
in little things.
people probably won't even notice. but my heart will.  it will grow strong and courageous as i believe the one who gave me life....that he does not intend for me to live in fear.  i love faith in reality.  i love god in the battle.  in the day to day.  not a sermon.  but a testimony.  because he is taking me.....even me....and making a happy warrior woman.  gave me everything i need.  and sticks with me.
life is constantly amazingly beautiful.
blessings.