Someone who takes the time

There's this man that I've met online.  I know..cliche...totally not me.  And, I don't want to date.  You don't understand...I DON'T want to date..nor remarry.  I am so very happy.  I am gloriously, freely....happy.  But, it has been nice to chat with someone.  Except, we don't "chat".  We actually speak about really deep things.  We talk about what we did wrong in marriage.  We talk about where we are as parents in the present.  We talk about hopes and dreams.  We talk about a lot.  He's open and vulnerable.  He not only reads what I write, but he......interacts with it.  He pulls out parts and asks what I mean by that.  He asks about my dreams and gives them more substance by giving them notice.  He is content with us being online friends.  And maybe, eventually friends in real life.  Friends.  He laughed when I reiterated that that is where I am just to be sure that after sharing so much he wouldn't be hurt by my still being....a friend.  He got it.  He gets that I am happy and not willing to upset that, but he also gets that my kids don't need that right now...or maybe ever.  I don't know.
I know that my daughter isn't ready.  She and I can talk about that.  Her dad has moved forward and it bothers her in some way.  I think that it's because he didn't work on fixing what was up with this family first.  I think that it's like he moved on.  He simply played the victim and then....moved on.  But there was no healing.  No communication.  I'm sure that they'll figure it out eventually.  But, since that is the case, I need to be as stable as possible.  I need to be where they can lean.  And that's ok.  It's my pleasure.
I enjoy the dialogue.  But I also have boundaries.  I stated exactly what I need...even knowing that it might mean that he didn't want to communicate.  But, strangely, he did.  We have told each other the craziest things the deepest things and sometimes we are sure that the other will go...enough.  But, so far, so good.
It's nice to have someone ask about things.  It's nice to have someone want to bother.
It's nice to have someone who takes the time to thoughtfully respond when I risk.  It has been a long time since anyone spent the time talking to me.  Asking questions.  Being interested.
It might only be for a season.  But it's good training for remaining open and authentic.
blessings.

the good aha

i have been conversing with a man who is divorced about the same length of time as me.  he is nice to talk to.  he seems kind.  he has a sense of humor.  yet, in my heart, i know that i will never marry again unless it's someone that is absolutely my best friend.  i mean, not just ok, best.  ever.  like someone that i can't go a day without thinking about.  and who likes me even when i'm not so great.
but my great aha came when i realized that i want male friends but that i will not be rushed or guilted into more.  never.
the good aha reminds me that i have come far, but i am still recovering.  the good aha reminds me that i am happy and have dreams.  i want to travel.  i want to be lazy sometimes.  i want to do whatever i want whenever i want because i was not allowed to do what i wanted without guilt or payback for a very long time.  so happy to have freedom.
freedom. to live.  to give.  to enjoy.
so good.
not selfish.
just taking care of self without having to take care of another adult.  i've got enough on my plate.
blessings.

bubbling

it's easy to be bubbling over these days.  it's like i have to try to put it all on simmer.  i'm happy.  genuinely.  totally.  deeply.  content.  happy.  completely.  fully.  it's lovely.  it's....about time.  i missed out on a lot of life just being so so or downright miserable.  and now, i'm so happy.

so many things aren't perfect.  there are worries that could threaten.  i have been sick...and tired.  yet, all i know is this deep seated happy.

god at work.  overcoming.  causing total peace.  bringing hope.  it's a gift.  i had despaired of ever getting to this place again.  and yet, here i am.  here i walk.  faith in my heart.  joy in my eyes.

blessings.

confidence

confidence hasn't come for me because i got over being scared.  nor because i think that i'll get it right.  it has come as i realize that there is nothing to be lost by failing.  it's just fine to try and not succeed.  it's ok not to have it all together.  it's ok to be where i am at this point in time.  even if it turns out that i get a bad review, evaluation or opinion from others.  it's ok.  it doesn't matter.  it does not define me.  i can walk tall.  i can try new things.  i can fall on my face.  i can not have things together.  i love that.
tomorrow i have a formal observation for teaching.  it's a big deal.  i've changed a lot.  don't get me wrong, it is stressful.  there are hoops to jump through, forms to fill out, follow up meetings.  but, for the first time ever, it's all ok because i know that no matter what the opinion meted out is....i can take it.  i don't have it all together.  i am not a perfect teacher nor human.  i mess up.  i forget things.  that's ok.
i love this time of life.  i feel so....free.
blessings.

I have learned

I have learned that people don't always do what you hope or dream or desire.  People are....people.  They make their own choices, have their own agendas and carry their own smelly baggage.

My ex is interesting to me.  I look at him so much differently now that I don't have to make a life with him.  I can ask him for things without feeling badly if he says no, says nothing, asks silly questions, tries to make me feel inferior.  I don't feel inferior.  I don't really care if he answers me.  I certainly have no control over him saying yes or no to anything I ask.  So, while I used to be terrified to ask him things because he was not very kind, because I was "supposed" to keep him happy, because....well, frankly,  it always felt like what he needed or wanted was more important....I am no longer scared.  I also don't have expectations.
And with friends, it's the same.  They can show up.  GREAT.  And they can bail or simply say no.  That's ok too.  I'm pretty happy with my own company.  I also know how to set boundaries within myself so that I am not devastated by letting their behavior determine my mood or happiness.  Again, I've learned that expectations are dangerous.
However, though I've learned that some kinds of expectations are a recipe for unhappiness, I've also learned that I have the right to expect to be treated a certain way.  I have a right to be communicated with kindly.  I have a right to expect that I will be treated with respect by those who are close to me.  I have a right to choose who will be close to me by whether they choose to value me.
I have learned so very much.
And it means that I am able to ask more things.  Able to put out there what is important to me......even if it is not done.
And I have learned that the deep kindnesses often come from people that I least expect it.

Like the dinner that was provided for my family today out of the blue by a colleague who was giddy to have done it.  So great.  So wonderful.  So beyond what I could ever have asked or expected.
Such a God thing to have been given.  He blesses through unique sources.

I have learned that I am cared for.  Beloved.  Cherished.

I have learned that I can rest in that and let the anxiety and worry over what someone might or might not do or say.........go.

I have learned.  And it is lovely.  Simply lovely.
I have an amazing life.
blessings.

busy living...and staying alive

wow, i have been neglectful of my writing. the last month is kind of a haze.  i've been sick for so long that i can barely remember what it feels like to be back to my own sense of "normal".  i wonder how long it will be, but it doesn't do any good to try to agonize over it.  instead, i get up each day and face that day moment by moment.  i keep my attitude happy.  i laugh.  i giggle.  i enjoy.  and i act completely goofy with my coworkers.  i do the unthinkable and make them laugh daily.  i drop by and visit their classes.  i smile.  i sing.  i dance.  i....live.
and i work hard to stay alive.  man, i've been sick.  but i'm alive.  i want to stay alive.  i want to keep on breathing and living and enjoying my dear, precious life.  so much.
love my kids  loving every minute.  every. single. minute.
so, i don't always have the energy to write or do anything "extra"....but, just know that i'm busily making sure that i continue to have a life to write about.
blessings.