alone again

well.  here i sit.  four dogs.  one ran off, but i retrieved him and now all of them and i are in my room with the door closed.  life is hard today.
i don't feel
pretty enough
like i'm enough
 thin enough
 pleasant enough
helpful enough
friendly enough
spiritual enough
delightful enough
enjoyable enough


because if i was......

i would have been

enough.

but i wasn't.

i'm not.

so, i've cried again.
and laughed at myself for my pity party
but my heart hurts.
a lot

i wanted to grab a friend and take a pretty mountain drive.
soak in the beauty.
enjoy it together.
but my friends were at my ex's party
or have other plans.

and ya know
people seem to like to be with me
or call me
or text me
when there's a purpose or a need
but that's pretty much it.

and i think that i'm just kind of
screwed.
i ask.
i say what i'd like.
but the world is a busy place
and i am not held close enough
to be a priority
and i will never again beg
to be a priority
for anybody
ever.
i won't beg
i won't guilt
i won't remind
i won't even wish
because the one lesson that i learned very well
is that someone being with you falsely
is worse than being alone

so, if i had a car, i'd go to a movie or out get a drink and a movie
i'd do something
because being alone in this room where i lived

with him

it's damn hard
today

not always
but today

because he's with the slender
younger
blond
woman
who now has my kids,
grandkids,
friends,
church
and husband
my town basically
since when she's here, this town feels small

yep.
alone again.
hit me like a brick.

oh, and a real brick hit me today as well.
my swollen and bruised foot
matches my aching and bruised heart

i really did
try in life
to be kind
gentle
loving
peaceful

and i plan on being moreso
as time goes by
but somehow
i guess i just don't fit in

not anymore

i divorced that nice man.
snort.
i did love well
i did try hard
i did have to stop
or die
i didn't want to die
though for years,
i was willing
i prayed that god would take me
so that my ex would be happy
because he was miserable with me
and i knew it
and divorce
"wasn't an option"
until it was

and now, here i am.
and there he is.
he got all of the people to side with him
as he always did
if he noticed i was getting close,
he charmed his way in
and there it is....
i'm not as charming
i don't fall under anyone's radar.
i'm not needy
but i have needs

choosing not to be the victim
has remained the hardest part of this journey
because it continually means a sense
of being invisible
i peek out now and then
or say a little something to try to explain how i feel
but i never just get it all out
no fair no fair no fair
i don't throw that tantrum
that rises up
i choose
to do differently

so sad tonight
should have made something to look forward to
but who knew
that him getting everything for his 50th
would hurt so damn bad?