Ever the Same

i have grown.  i have changed.  i have healed.  and i am ever the same.

i care deeply.  even when someone treats me poorly.  yesterday, i gave cash that i don't really have to spare to help my kids feel less stressed about their dad's birthday party food expense.  the party where he will turn 50 with his girlfriend.  the party that they tried to plan as a surprise but which go waylaid a bit and so now people know...but they were planning it.  and it's ever the same because that's how it was most years for my birthday.  i planned for him with the kids.  i taught them.  we schemed and talked about what to do and what to get.  my birthday was six weeks earlier and was generally a morning of or maybe late night before "what do you want to eat for your birthday?"
this year was hard.
i held out hope for far too long that my kids were just waiting until they were back in the state or something like that.  silly?  i know.  and not even very important.  and i excused them with their busy lives and limited money and whatever.  but then, there was the party for their dad.  and then the stress for my eldest son because he hadn't planned on so many people financially....and then there was me.....rescuing and honoring what my ex deserves.  because turning 50 is a big deal.  it's a blessing.  it's a wow moment.
but i saw him and his girl yesterday and was nearly in the same place twice more.  guess god saw fit to change my mind by  a couple of minutes.  and he and she took out the grandkids.
and my kids promised a big party at my next 50. :)  so, i'll live to be 100.
but last night, i realized that it's still ever the same.  still the fact that i have nowhere to run.  i have nobody who sees that sometimes i just need to be seen for who i am and not as a strong woman.  though, i am strong, sometimes, i just want to sit and watch a show or be quiet or whatever.....just soak in the comfort of being me without being anything to anyone else.  and i have been a lot to others in the last few days.  i got weary.  and i was alone.  and i actually like being alone.  but sometimes, i just need to lean somewhere.  and there was nowhere.
i was efficient.  i took care of what needed to be done.  i did it well.
and i cried my tears alone.
and i still doing so.
my kids will sit at church with my friends.
with my ex.
with his new woman.
with my grandkids.
he will be celebrated greatly.
he will be acknowledged.
and i am invisible.

but still.....it's not like it was before.  because now i can have my feelings.  i can weep and move on.  i can garden and read and write and plan what to do around my house.  i can acknowledge myself.  even when it's all alone.  i can acknowledge that i did something well....at great personal cost.  huge personal cost.  and i can also smile and look back and remember that i always knew that there was someone else that he cherished but that it wasn't me.  it was never me.  and living how i am now is loads better than living with someone who wished he was somewhere else.  who pretended.  who treated me poorly and with disdain.  who shamed me.  who pushed me away.  and this is where we got to.  and i am happy.
but there are some moments where i wish that i was seen.  that i wish that the losses and sacrifices were noted.  my kids just expect it.  my friends figure it's what i wanted so all was well.  what i wanted was a whole family.  but the price of that was living a lie.  so, i choose this.  i CHOSE this.
and i smile when i realize how right i was.  he wanted someone else.  and he has her.

it's just a little sad that she is sitting in my seat.  eating food i bought.  being with my grandchildren.  and that she doesn't know.  he doesn't know.  i have been gracious today.  i have helped the kids to do what they should do....because it's part of being a good parent.  teaching.  guiding.
but i deserve some time off about me.  maybe a mountain day trip.