dedicated

i am dedicated.  sold out.  purposeful.  i am intent.  i am going to be the very best mom that i can be.  with god guiding.  it has meant some serious changing.  softening.  hardening.  doing the right thing because it's the right thing.
for instance, this housecleaning routine we have.  it's so very hard for me.  i mean, seriously, who wants to work all day after getting up at 5:30 and then go home and clean the bathrooms or do the floors?  And make dinner.  And clean up after dinner.  Nobody.  Nobody wants to.  But, wanting and what is good for us are sometimes different.  What is good is taking the time to do what is important.  Taking time to make good habits.  Taking time to work together for our family.  Taking the time to show how to have good habits.  How to persevere when it's easier to quit.  How to give more.  Yes, we rest a lot.  We go to bed early.  By seven, we are on computers or something.  But, by pushing to do a good job, to ask a little more, to be a good example of what it is to care and try....I am changing how they respect me.  It's so hard.  Can't even say how hard.  And yet, it's so good.  It changes us.  They were singing Disney songs while they worked tonight.  Talking about what movie they were from.  They were bonding.  We were bonding. And we all get to be proud.  Of us.  Of our family.  Totally proud.
And we are working towards learning what it means to love God.  To be who He made us to be.  To not be as concerned about our careers as about who and how He made us.  It's fun to talk about.  Not beating them with scripture.  Letting them experience His acceptance.  His love.  His genuine searching for them and allowing them to choose to be found.  To reach out to Him.  For real.  Not because it's expected.  But because they learn to trust Him so much.
I am learning to be the mom I was supposed to be.  Even with my grown kids.  It's a good thing.  And it's never too late.  Loving.  Supportive.  Strong.  Happy.  Very happy.  Genuine.  Open.  Kind.  Tough.  Truthful.  It has been a good time of life.
But not easy.  It's a push to give any more for me.  I like quiet moments.  Alone time.  I need time to recharge.  But I put it aside enough to reach them.  To love on them.  To teach my introvert children that we can indeed do more.
i am dedicated.  not afraid.  nobody to impress.  it's just us.
and it's a beautiful thing to find our way.
i am blessed.

words

for me, written words are a gift.  they last long.  forever, even. they put out there something that i think or feel towards someone and say, "i can't take this back, you have proof."  words are opening my heart.  my soul.
but, for most people, words aren't much.  perhaps for most people, they aren't  conceived in the deepest part of their soul. birthed with pain and work.  perhaps they don't know how vulnerable i am when i write.  it's like opening every closet and letting people look inside.  being willing to let them see me.
i was up at 4:30 this morning.  god awakened me.  a woman friend had written a long and painful sharing letter.  i guess i was awakened to respond.  to love. to let her know that someone was awake and heard her.  and i also wrote another letter.  and i've done some more too.
because i have decided to open my heart.  to let my thoughts out.  to show kindness by being vulnerable.  by sharing good with others.  by complimenting..genuinely.....no false praise, no schmoozing, no flattery.  just telling them the value that i see in them.
i want to start a movement of kindness.  without telling anyone that i'm starting a movement.  i want to start it within me.  i do it with my kids.  it works wonders.  so much so that when we got home, my son started singing "i love you, you love me, we're a happy family" spontaneously.  it was beautiful.  and yet, i'm holding them to a higher standard as well.  working hard to do that.  because i love them and i want to be their mom in every sense.
sharing of the heart.  sharing words.  it's a little dicey.  people tend to think i'm weird.  but i'll keep going.  because it's my passion.  my passion to show people their value.  their worth.  to show them my appreciation of them.  it may not make a bit of difference during my lifetime.  that's ok.  life is short.  but someday, those words will still be there to build up others.  to show how it's possible to share good.
words.
for me, they are art.
blessings.

A beautiful life

went to the zoo

saw everything

the rhino was swinging his heinie

maybe i should swing mine more

the hippo was chillin'

the parrots weren't speaking

 the skylight

the beauty

happy kids

a cute little shrew. snort

tamarin at play

i am a sucker for bikes with baskets and flowers

they ride these in india

beautiful skies

african safari style

reminds me of grandpa

giraffes

giraffes

girl who loves giraffes

polar bears at play

i think someone shaved them.  who'd want that job?

getting to know each other

kids being together

frog cuteness

frog wonder

yes, i have a beautiful life.  full of experiences and joy.  a blessed woman indeed.

searching

i have done a lot of searching in the last two years.
soul searching.
who am i?
how did i allow so many wrong years to go by in my marriage?
who should i be?
how do i honor god and does he find me supremely disappointing?
how do i grow?
how do i teach my children about god after their many years of having to please to be accepted and loved?

career searching.
what am i best at doing?
what inspires me?
how can i make a living.....financially?
how can i make a life.....happily?
what will it take to get from one place to the next?
do i even have to have a "career"...
maybe i just want to do something that pays the bills and gives me time to live.

beauty searching.
every day there is beauty.  did i see it?
the sunrise?
the sunset?
the moon?
the flowers?
the snowflakes?
the smiles?
the tears?
the yummy bread?
did i take time to stop and appreciate and savor?
did i find beauty within me?
within god's creation?
his people?
did i catalog it?
in my mind?
in my heart?

truth searching.
so many people say so many things.
what is true?
what is real?
what is Truth?
what is manipulation?
what helps?
what hurts?
what do i do right?
where am i failing?
who is my friend?
who has needed to walk away?

relationship searching?
again..who is really my friend?
not who have i known for a long time.
who calls me?
who writes me?
who inquires whether i am ok?
who takes time?
even when they have their own busy life?
who "sees" me?
who "hears" me?
who allows me to be a mess?
who fills my heart?
makes me want to be the best?
amazing even?
who lifts me up?
who tears me down?
who humiliates me?
who hurts me?
who scares me?
who lies to me?
who lies about me?
who tells me the truth?
who shows up?
who comes to my home?
who makes time to sit down and do more than chat?
who seems to watch the clock?
who only responds but never initiates?
what does being a great mom look like?
how do i repair the painful things that have happened to my children?
how do i be tender and stand strong?
how do i give but not enable?


i have done loads of searching these last years.
there has been a lot of fruit.
i am healing.
i am able to see more clearly and not be frightened by what i see.
i am able to face that things change.
and that people have to do what they have to do.
and that even if it hurts, i'll survive.
i am able to face that i probably will never be "normal"
and that that will mean that i won't often be sought after.
i am an introvert.  greatly so.
i require down time.
i tire when working in "on" mode all of the time.
i love life.
genuinely.
every beautiful aspect.
i write.
i think.
i love deeply.
i'm loyal.
i screwed up in my marriage.
i allowed my ex to continue bad behaviors.
i tried to change rather than standing up to him.
i gave in.
i tried to keep the peace.
but peace is not worth it if tension and meanness are the foundation.
i have found that i look forward to what my life will look like
not interested in a life career.
want to live.
want to enjoy fully.
want to see things.
i want to break out of this bubble that says that to be a grown up i have to look and behave a certain way.
i am ready.
just nearly ready.
i am going to...very soon...
fly.
blessings.

failure

my daughter failed her driver's permit test today.  twice.  really.  and it probably hurt me just as much as it hurt her.  because failure hurts.  but, as my son was quick to point out, it also makes for people who are better and stronger in the future. she bawled her eyes out.  sobbed.  was embarrassed. and we got in the car and drove to denver.  it's about 40 minutes from our place in the world.  and she talked of how hard it was.  she doesn't do tests well.  has horrible test anxiety.  has for as long as i can remember.  she made mistakes that were due to knowing things a certain way and not reading the way the question asked it...opposite of how she knew it.  and on the first test, she changed one answer that would have been right and she would have passed.  really.  but we drove.  and went to the zoo.  and had some lunch there.  and watched the monkeys.  and saw the hippos.  and laughed at the hyena.  and oohed at the reptiles.  it was so much fun. though the pall of her failure drifted in and out of the day.  we left the zoo and headed to a ribs place.  it was closed two hours early....for winter hours.  paid five bucks to park and walk to the restaurant. :)  then we went a mile and a half to the other highly rated ribs place.  we parked on the street and then realized they had a lot!  we laughed so hard.  but the ache was there with us.  we...her brother and i..love her.  care for her.  she bombed.  but she had the grace to stand up.  to live.  to know that she'll do it again and pass.  eventually, she WILL pass. and we will celebrate.  but today we had to grieve.  today we had to cope.  today we had to grow stronger.  today, my son had to learn to say he was sorry for saying it was easy.  he learned something too.  and i learned how proud a mother can be when a daughter..or son..fails..but isn't defeated.
failure is but a stepping stone to success.  a bridge to the other side.  those who view it as a wall or deterrent are unaware that it is only failure for the moment  it can always spur a strong person on to the next great thing.
it was a beautiful day.
painful
but beautiful.
love my kids.
blessings.

a day in bed

i have rested and done some work.  and prayed.
and i was at a friend's home dropping off my kids and i whined  she asked me if i made it clear to him about the date of the checks being due from him.  and somehow it made me feel again like it was my responsibility for how he behaves.  my job to fix it.  and like....well....somehow, i felt his power still over me.  i felt that niggling of fear from confrontation with him.  i felt the trembling. but i can't ever describe it, so i just said no and went home thinking about how much he really harmed me.  it should be simple enough to say those words.  but he beat me down with words.  he twisted words.  he used others.  and when he still does those things, it's easier for me to ignore it.  that's because i know that i can do that now and live peacefully.  he hasn't changed.  at least not towards me.  he is still an easy victim.  and everyone still looks to me to make things right.
i know that it's time for me to just keep my mouth shut regarding this with my friends.  because at the end of the day, i guess that they are just going to like him.  and that sickens me.  based on what he has done to his kids.  how he has lied about me since he has been gone.  based on how he hasn't stepped up and taken responsibility but has happily allowed me to be the fall guy and taken up the happy role of victim.  with them all allowing it.  i wonder why nobody says. "you couldn't possibly have been completely clueless."  he wasn't. he knew that i was sleeping in another room. he knew that i preferred sleeping on a hard wood floor for over a year rather than sleeping with him.  he knows what he did and did not do to protect his children and his wife.  and he knows that he demanded to be respected without offering the kindness that would have been respected.  he knows.
so it's important now that i've come to terms with it for me to figure out how to not try to get anyone else to understand.  validation feels important.  and not from people i don't know.  that's easy.  i mean, what do they know?  i want people that have a vested interest in my life to know.  to see.  to recoil at his behavior.  i want to feel...backed up.  i guess he's too charming.  i should know.  i have a pretty good b.s. monitor and he escaped it.  and yet, it hurts.  i know that it's most likely wrong to want to hear them say the words that they see.  that they know.  that they understand.  i get it that i should be more mature than that.  but.  still.  some days, that's all i want.  a hug with the words, "i choose you, i get it, i see it and i'm not fooled."  sigh.  seriously, i just hugely sighed.
because i have to let it go.  and quit making them uncomfortable by seeking that support.  just accept what is...and what isn't.  and be content.
but boy oh boy....he really screwed up.  he really really screwed up.  he messed up things with his kids. he messed up things with me...and i like to make things good.  and he is continuing to do so because his kids know his behavior is fake.  i didn't realize until this week how much so.  i wanted so badly to protect them.  tough stuff.
all in all, i'm doing fine.  i just have to keep on facing facts.  the fact is that he uses people to make himself feel better and he doesn't care how others feel.  so be it.  i'm going to be fine.  the ache will heal.  it's just like pushing on a wound when things come up.
my one son had some troubling things to say.  that's probably what threw me under the bus.
now. on to recovery.  rest.  sleep.  new day to be thankful.
i love my life.  i just hate the hurt he imposes.
blessings.

deep breath

this introvert and recovering wounded woman had a big weekend.  taking a breath this morning.  still things to do.  things to accomplish.  but this morning i've mostly been resting.  laying down.  eating.  sorting things.  thinking.
and the talking with a friend this weekend.  good.  but hard.  my ex is truly playing the victim.  he is good at it.  and i have to let it go.  but every time.  each time.  that i hear that he tells others that he has no idea.  that he doesn't understand.  that he was so surprised.  and i want to scream.  to bellow.  to make it all truth.  he knew.  he ignored.  he avoided.  he spun.  but, he knew.  but knowing would mean that he doesn't bear responsibility.  so, he wrote me to tell me of his responsibility.  bullshit.  he takes no responsibility.  he simply lets it go.  lets me take the fall.  takes the sympathy.  my friend said that he's a victim.  that he is playing it well.
and then, yesterday, at my daughter's party, it became home video night.  i mostly avoided it.i see and remember different things than my children.  i remember the being unhappy.  the behind door "talks".  the frustration at never being heard or valued.  i remember the abuse of sex.  the guilt.  the shame.  the unkindness he allowed by his family.  i see my eyes.  i see what i tried to hold together.  and i weep for that woman who was taking the responsibility to make her family "normal".  to keep my children happy and safe.  to be a wife that i could be proud to be.
and when i see it....i cringe.  i ache.  how sad that he never appreciated me.  never stood up for me.  used me instead of treasured me.
my friend asked me how i'm doing.  HAPPY...i replied.  joyously.  breathing.  hopeful.  happy and moving on.
"are you dating anyone".  no way.  have things to learn.  i didn't say...because somehow i have to not ever let anyone treat me like a second rate human being again.  i have to learn what it is in me that allows it.  and practice doing better.
and..i am content.
it was a long weekend.
wonderful.
but also painful.
i'm absolutely spent.  limp feeling.
house is a wreck.
school this week.
crazy times.
daughter taking her permit test on thursday.  zoo day with my teens on thursday as well. so...that means writing lesson plans for someone else.  that's ok.  it's good.
i am worn out.  so, i'm taking it easy.  doing little bits at a time while i try to digest the whole of the weekend.
and trying to figure out why my ex feels the need to be so controlling by making a habit of making his payments late.  what a selfish guy he is.  he said, i mailed it saturday and there's no mail today, to my saying that it hadn't arrived.  um.  well, what the paperwork says is on or BEFORE this date.  not, mail it by that date and think it's good.
oh well.
blessings. 

mixed feelings

i feel pretty good about my daughter's upcoming birthday weekend.  pretty good.  but not great.  it's mixed.  because i realized that my daughter doesn't ask for stuff for her birthday.  she hasn't.  not for years.  she asks for people.  she asks for support.  she asks for laughter.  and playing.  and it's so beautiful.  her birthday has come to be a reconnect for friendship.  i guess that it's appropriate since her birthday is on valentine's day.
i haven't quite pulled it off.  nearly.  and it makes me uncomfortable.  i don't invite people with the disclaimer that my daughter has so supported all of us with her sweet heart all of these years and this year she could really use the support.  the loving on.  the talking.  the laughing.  i just invite.  simply and plainly.
and i guess my mixed feelings come from the fact that i feel like i have failed her again.  i know that disappointment is a part of life.  i know that she knows it too.  i know that she wishes that her life were more simple.  but that there was more connection.  more people who chose to be with her.  she is well liked and very much alone.  if she doesn't initiate stuff, she doesn't get invited.
but for her birthday it is my job.  and it's funny because the people she wants there aren't just her peers.  she wants the women who make her feel safe.  and loved.  and confident.  because she has had a rough couple of years.  she has handled the divorce with such grace and without drama that people have failed to see her need.  have failed to understand how she needs what she asks for.
and this year she is especially vulnerable.  her heart has been crushed.  she has cried sobbed and suffered.  her best friend is going away this year.  life will change.  a lot.  for her.  she loves her with her whole heart.  and this year, it's most important to my daughter to have her "party"....outing....be complete.  with those who really love her.  who have nurtured.  to make a memory to hold.  because her friend will be at college. and though other birthdays will be good and fine, this friend is the one she plans around.  and this year is the last year of this childhood memory.
i tried.
but i guess i have mixed feelings.
i didn't beg.
i didn't explain.
i didn't do things that might cause guilt.
i hoped.
i prayed.
boy have i prayed.
because my daughter is valuable. but she really needs to be made to feel valuable.
one night.
once a year.
i want to say it outloud.
but when people have their own plans.  own wants.  well....somehow.....it's difficult for me to beg.  to convince.  to annoy.
maybe i figure that it's me.
that they aren't coming because something is annoying to them.
i'm not sure.
all i know is that i didn't quite pull it together.
two years ago this happened to a degree.
some people didn't come.
and there was a pall over dinner.
the girls missed the women.
but how do you explain?
how do you tell?
without guilting.
haven't figured it out.
so i have remained silent.
but i woke up this morning with some tears.  and prayers.
that my daughter's heart will be protected.
it's not because this is her birthday.
she does this because it is the thing that bolsters her for the year.
it's that connection.
that reboot.
it's her family reunion.
getting away from all else.
focusing on each other.
but, i have to get going soon.
have to be brave.
have to hug her.
and i have to go on.
even if i am sorry that my guess is that i have failed to be a person
that other people want to put things and plans aside
to accept my invite.
and i have come to learn to accept that for me.
but i didn't realize that it was going to rip my heart out when i was dealing with my daughter.
she needs this love.  this drawing in.  this building up.  life has been hard.
she has been strong.
this time helps her...like a retreat.
i've done what i can do.
it will be what it is.
just had to get out the hurt so that i can indeed be her mama.
and not fall apart.
blessings.  have a great weekend.  love on people.

new place to live

i haven't moved.  but i've moved on.  i live in a new place. the kids and i have been busily changing our home these past weeks.  we've worked hard.  what's funny?  nobody ever comes over except for big events.  so, it will be an unveiling of sorts this weekend on my daughter's birthday dinner.  they are proud.  the family room was never that comfortable.  not...homey.  it's getting there.  and it's different.  totally different than anything we have had before.  tonight we moved a piano...from living room to family room.  that was a lot of work.  we did it anyway.  revamping.  recycling. redecorating. rethinking.  spent some tax money on a sectional and we ordered a tv...because it was so much cheaper online than in the store.  we will get it next week  the kids are soooo excited.  and so am i.  we have a home that we like hanging out in.  we have a comfy place.  and a clean kitchen to boot.  not amazingly so, yet, but getting there.  it will take awhile since it was in a state of decline.
tomorrow my daughter turns 16.  so proud of that sweet girl.  she is blessed with many other wonderful women who are her "other" mamas.  i feel blessed to get to be her mama.  she is strong.  she gets things. she is kind.  she is creative.  she is unafraid to be unique.  and...she can dance.  i love that.  she loves that she does this go away for her birthday thing with her friends and her other mamas.  she looks forward to it because it's fun, but also because others look forward to it.  it's the one time a year, the one day...where it's just those people.  where there's this small chunk of time cut out to be together.  it's pretty wonderful.  it's something i'll miss very shortly.  so, i'm going to go and party with the girl.  though i crave some quiet time.  though it means interacting way more than i usually want to.  that's ok.  it will be fabulous.  and i can rest up on monday...it's a school holiday.
i'm enjoying this new place.  enjoying feeling at home.  enjoying resting. think i'll sleep now.
blessings.

battle

my daughter and i engaged in a small battle tonight.  it's highly unusual.  we are pretty drama free.  we get along.  but, somehow, tonight, we could not get on the same page.  and both of us were feeling vulnerable and that certainly didn't help the matter.  but, in the end, we spent some heartwrenching, bawling, sharing time.  and...though i didn't like how we got there, the sharing was worth it.  she is struggling.  it's hard to be young and to wish that things were different.  as a matter of fact, it's hard to be my age and to wish that things were different.
she doesn't like how her dad texts her to do things.  we are going to try to work out a better plan.  she feels obligated to do things no matter what.  i feel horribly.  i hate the pressure that the divorce puts on her.  i hate having failed.  hate it.  but it led to a good conversation.  a knowing. common ground.  understanding.  seeing what is healthy and what is not.  it was really hard.  and really good.
i am spent.  worn out.  wrung out.  totally wiped out.
so i'll go to bed.
cried so much.
so very much.
but crying is ok.
and truth is ok.
and sharing is more than ok.
now.  for thursday.
and then friday.
my daughter's 16th birthday.
blessings.

good morning

hi.  good morning.  look, it's a new day.  brand spanking new.  beautiful.  unique.  ready for new life.  and the great part is that yesterday doesn't overlap with it.  doesn't taint it.  doesn't make it less marvelous or spectacular.
i'm remembering.
it has been a rough week so far.  my ex wants to refinance the home that we rent out.  in the divorce agreement, i am fully responsible for it unless we sell.  and i don't know why it through me for a loop.  well, actually, i do now.  he wrote.  the bank that we are currently with called him...we are both on the loan...to see if we wanted to refinance.  this is the same bank that screwed up last year and took two payments, credited one back and lost the other one in cyber space.  it took a long time for them to sort it out and they used words like "we can't help what our computer sees"  when i said that i was tired of getting late payment calls.  late payments equal fees.  fees make the payments more in arrears.  by the time i found a local guy to take care of it...since their 800 number was a horrific experience....it said that i was five MONTHS in arrears.  they were not helpful.  my credit is still reeling.  it SUCKED.  for as bad as it was, i didn't whine too much.  but, i'll be damned if i'll REFINANCE with them.  i'm leaving it as it is for now because the whole fiasco left me limp and somewhat troubled.  but, eventually, when i don't feel like i'm constantly having something to attend to.  the time will come.  so, i wrote him and explained why i didn't want to do what he wanted to do.  and he didn't answer.  that was two days ago.  or so.
all of that going on...and then the "data" meeting at school that left me feeling like an imbecile.  i know that feelings aren't the facts.  but it was tough.  guess i've been needing some kudos.  i've kicked butt on some things at work with little to no acknowledgement.  and that's hard.  it didn't really seem so hard until i was being "knocked down to size" in the meeting.  the funny part is that she said that she wants to open up dialogue.  genuine dialogue.  about how to get better.  with all teachers.  to be able to talk to one another.  well, frankly....that pretty much showed me why it doesn't work. if you say what you need or tell the facts, there's no help, only a kick in the teeth that says that you should grow up and do it better.  wow.
so it has been a rough week.
but i have a new morning.
and i'm going to enjoy it.
lots.
i'm going to sing.
and pray.
and love.
and i'm going to soak up all of the good that comes my way and let the bad slide off.
cuz i don't know how many of these precious gifts of days i get to have.  but they are limited.  so i need to do good.  see good.  love Good .....yes, God.  who is good. ;)
but sometimes i wish that someone saw me. understood.  hugged.  heard.
but life is what it is.
so....onward.
blessings.

bath, pudding and wine

kid made dinner.  we ate.  we watched a movie and hung out.  i took a nice, hot bath.  made hot vanilla pudding.  the real kind.  not instant.  hate instant.  poured a glass of wine. turned on hulu.  sitting in the dark in my room.  blankies.  jammies.
a hard day.
not just because there were hard things at work.
but because somehow it brought up that sense of not belonging.
of having nowhere to hear
how was your day
i called just to see how you are
i know you were sad
i'm sorry
you matter
i just wanted to be with you
i remembered again how
that hurts
today i felt punched at work
unappreciated
unseen
by the ones in charge
though, i have to say
fine with my little group
but,
having nowhere to say
nowhere to process
it's a weird alone feeling
not alone
just
not a part
so, here i am
giving myself time to recover from it all
and hoping for a better tomorrow.
having to email with my ex...never helps either.
rest.
i will rest
and pray
and i will remember
to find the sunrises
to love fully
even when i hear the hesitation when i ask for help
or when i sit alone
hurting
i will remember
because who i want to be demands it
blessings.

Drive with me.

Day one.

i like to drive

 i see beauty everywhere

on each day

even the cloudy ones

sunrise when there's no sunshine

it's beautiful.

really beautiful

Day two.

looking west

before the sun rises

it illuminates the mountains

shining off of the snow

looking back, i see the sun coming

 brightening even more

turning, there it is

glorious

another new day

and i want to reflect light

hope

today, tears came

as i watched the sun

shine in the sky

on the snow fields

on me

gorgeous

a gift

a new day

unique each day

precious

 today turned out to be a really hard day.  still is.  work was tough.  i feel like a failure.  my cat that we gave to my grandkids...died.  i needed time with a friend..needed time to be heard.  but somehow, i find myself in a different place in life.  so i feel crushed tonight.
yet.
i am still choosing happy.
still.
clouds or not.
no matter how things look.
happy.
thankful.
loving.
each day.
i choose it.
breathe.
in.
out.
take a night off.
wrap in a blanket.
sit with the kids.
take a hot bath.
go to bed really early.
recover.
pamper myself.
because i hurt.
and i need to give myself some tlc.
blessings