a day in bed

i have rested and done some work.  and prayed.
and i was at a friend's home dropping off my kids and i whined  she asked me if i made it clear to him about the date of the checks being due from him.  and somehow it made me feel again like it was my responsibility for how he behaves.  my job to fix it.  and like....well....somehow, i felt his power still over me.  i felt that niggling of fear from confrontation with him.  i felt the trembling. but i can't ever describe it, so i just said no and went home thinking about how much he really harmed me.  it should be simple enough to say those words.  but he beat me down with words.  he twisted words.  he used others.  and when he still does those things, it's easier for me to ignore it.  that's because i know that i can do that now and live peacefully.  he hasn't changed.  at least not towards me.  he is still an easy victim.  and everyone still looks to me to make things right.
i know that it's time for me to just keep my mouth shut regarding this with my friends.  because at the end of the day, i guess that they are just going to like him.  and that sickens me.  based on what he has done to his kids.  how he has lied about me since he has been gone.  based on how he hasn't stepped up and taken responsibility but has happily allowed me to be the fall guy and taken up the happy role of victim.  with them all allowing it.  i wonder why nobody says. "you couldn't possibly have been completely clueless."  he wasn't. he knew that i was sleeping in another room. he knew that i preferred sleeping on a hard wood floor for over a year rather than sleeping with him.  he knows what he did and did not do to protect his children and his wife.  and he knows that he demanded to be respected without offering the kindness that would have been respected.  he knows.
so it's important now that i've come to terms with it for me to figure out how to not try to get anyone else to understand.  validation feels important.  and not from people i don't know.  that's easy.  i mean, what do they know?  i want people that have a vested interest in my life to know.  to see.  to recoil at his behavior.  i want to feel...backed up.  i guess he's too charming.  i should know.  i have a pretty good b.s. monitor and he escaped it.  and yet, it hurts.  i know that it's most likely wrong to want to hear them say the words that they see.  that they know.  that they understand.  i get it that i should be more mature than that.  but.  still.  some days, that's all i want.  a hug with the words, "i choose you, i get it, i see it and i'm not fooled."  sigh.  seriously, i just hugely sighed.
because i have to let it go.  and quit making them uncomfortable by seeking that support.  just accept what is...and what isn't.  and be content.
but boy oh boy....he really screwed up.  he really really screwed up.  he messed up things with his kids. he messed up things with me...and i like to make things good.  and he is continuing to do so because his kids know his behavior is fake.  i didn't realize until this week how much so.  i wanted so badly to protect them.  tough stuff.
all in all, i'm doing fine.  i just have to keep on facing facts.  the fact is that he uses people to make himself feel better and he doesn't care how others feel.  so be it.  i'm going to be fine.  the ache will heal.  it's just like pushing on a wound when things come up.
my one son had some troubling things to say.  that's probably what threw me under the bus.
now. on to recovery.  rest.  sleep.  new day to be thankful.
i love my life.  i just hate the hurt he imposes.
blessings.