this introvert and recovering wounded woman had a big weekend. taking a breath this morning. still things to do. things to accomplish. but this morning i've mostly been resting. laying down. eating. sorting things. thinking.
and the talking with a friend this weekend. good. but hard. my ex is truly playing the victim. he is good at it. and i have to let it go. but every time. each time. that i hear that he tells others that he has no idea. that he doesn't understand. that he was so surprised. and i want to scream. to bellow. to make it all truth. he knew. he ignored. he avoided. he spun. but, he knew. but knowing would mean that he doesn't bear responsibility. so, he wrote me to tell me of his responsibility. bullshit. he takes no responsibility. he simply lets it go. lets me take the fall. takes the sympathy. my friend said that he's a victim. that he is playing it well.
and then, yesterday, at my daughter's party, it became home video night. i mostly avoided it.i see and remember different things than my children. i remember the being unhappy. the behind door "talks". the frustration at never being heard or valued. i remember the abuse of sex. the guilt. the shame. the unkindness he allowed by his family. i see my eyes. i see what i tried to hold together. and i weep for that woman who was taking the responsibility to make her family "normal". to keep my children happy and safe. to be a wife that i could be proud to be.
and when i see it....i cringe. i ache. how sad that he never appreciated me. never stood up for me. used me instead of treasured me.
my friend asked me how i'm doing. HAPPY...i replied. joyously. breathing. hopeful. happy and moving on.
"are you dating anyone". no way. have things to learn. i didn't say...because somehow i have to not ever let anyone treat me like a second rate human being again. i have to learn what it is in me that allows it. and practice doing better.
and..i am content.
it was a long weekend.
wonderful.
but also painful.
i'm absolutely spent. limp feeling.
house is a wreck.
school this week.
crazy times.
daughter taking her permit test on thursday. zoo day with my teens on thursday as well. so...that means writing lesson plans for someone else. that's ok. it's good.
i am worn out. so, i'm taking it easy. doing little bits at a time while i try to digest the whole of the weekend.
and trying to figure out why my ex feels the need to be so controlling by making a habit of making his payments late. what a selfish guy he is. he said, i mailed it saturday and there's no mail today, to my saying that it hadn't arrived. um. well, what the paperwork says is on or BEFORE this date. not, mail it by that date and think it's good.
oh well.
blessings.
and the talking with a friend this weekend. good. but hard. my ex is truly playing the victim. he is good at it. and i have to let it go. but every time. each time. that i hear that he tells others that he has no idea. that he doesn't understand. that he was so surprised. and i want to scream. to bellow. to make it all truth. he knew. he ignored. he avoided. he spun. but, he knew. but knowing would mean that he doesn't bear responsibility. so, he wrote me to tell me of his responsibility. bullshit. he takes no responsibility. he simply lets it go. lets me take the fall. takes the sympathy. my friend said that he's a victim. that he is playing it well.
and then, yesterday, at my daughter's party, it became home video night. i mostly avoided it.i see and remember different things than my children. i remember the being unhappy. the behind door "talks". the frustration at never being heard or valued. i remember the abuse of sex. the guilt. the shame. the unkindness he allowed by his family. i see my eyes. i see what i tried to hold together. and i weep for that woman who was taking the responsibility to make her family "normal". to keep my children happy and safe. to be a wife that i could be proud to be.
and when i see it....i cringe. i ache. how sad that he never appreciated me. never stood up for me. used me instead of treasured me.
my friend asked me how i'm doing. HAPPY...i replied. joyously. breathing. hopeful. happy and moving on.
"are you dating anyone". no way. have things to learn. i didn't say...because somehow i have to not ever let anyone treat me like a second rate human being again. i have to learn what it is in me that allows it. and practice doing better.
and..i am content.
it was a long weekend.
wonderful.
but also painful.
i'm absolutely spent. limp feeling.
house is a wreck.
school this week.
crazy times.
daughter taking her permit test on thursday. zoo day with my teens on thursday as well. so...that means writing lesson plans for someone else. that's ok. it's good.
i am worn out. so, i'm taking it easy. doing little bits at a time while i try to digest the whole of the weekend.
and trying to figure out why my ex feels the need to be so controlling by making a habit of making his payments late. what a selfish guy he is. he said, i mailed it saturday and there's no mail today, to my saying that it hadn't arrived. um. well, what the paperwork says is on or BEFORE this date. not, mail it by that date and think it's good.
oh well.
blessings.
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