a picture

this week, someone from my past found me again.  she had been out of my life for many years and then we reconnected.  when i told her about my divorce, i didn't hear from her anymore.  it was one of those breath stealing times that are like taking a belly flop off of the high dive.  but then, suddenly, this week...she reappeared.  she said that she had written me without hitting reply and had pulled up a decades old email address.  she wrote me and sent pictures of herself.  she told me how special i am and that my life circumstances would not change that.  she tells me how glad that she is that i'm happy.  she says what a miracle that is!  she soothed my soul as a mother soothes her infant.  calmly.  wow.  when the pictures of her came, i was exuberant.  and pained.  i have missed a lot of years with her.  i cried seeing her.  she is beautiful, but has obviously aged.  but i think the thing that really trampled my soul was the emotion that flooded over me as i remembered how close we had been and how marrying my ex had changed all of that.  it took me all of these years to see how it was orchestrated that there was never time for me to have time to go and visit...even when we were an hour away and i could have driven there on my own.  no time on my own to spend with her.  to share.  we met up with her once with all of our kids and foster kids and my brother in law....i didn't get to visit.  i got to watch kids.  and now i see so clearly.  and it hurts.  and then.........it feels awesomely powerful because i realize that i get to choose again.  i get to decide.  i figured it out and i was brave enough to make a change.  and that's beautiful.  painfully beautiful.
she has written me a few times this week.  she asks her sweet questions about who is who in my pictures and she talks "shop" because we are both passionate about kids.  and she trusts me decision to divorce.  she doesn't ask why or what happened.  she just says that it must have been necessary.  and that makes the tears flow.  family.  someone who is on my side.  who sees me for who i am.  who doesn't demand explanations nor excuses.  someone who treats me as me.  the me that i was.  who i am becoming again.  a human being.  flawed.  but beautiful.  unique.  created.  wow.
the picture of her is a stark reminder.  a memo.  a notation.  life goes by fast.  we all age and eventually we are gone.
i lived for a long time being afraid that she would die and i wouldn't know.
she is the one that i called the first week that i was married.  the only one that i ever voiced doubts about my marriage in those early days.
she didn't fight to stay in contact.  and that is hard.  but, she's not my mom nor family.  yet...in some way, she is.  heart family.  a blessing given.
even if this is all there ever is.  this moment.  this connection.  this acceptance.  it's satisfying.  it is whole.  it requires no promises of a future.
and yet...who knows....maybe.
blessings.