my ex nurtured a relationship with the parents/family of my son's best friend AFTER my son was not speaking to his dad. he began this relationship after he and his son were estranged. and he didn't tell the people that he doesn't see his son. there was a big meltdown at christmas when my son realized what had been happening. he was furious. he lost it. so, as soon as he arrived home this spring break, he was invited to dinner again. he was questioned by the mom about his dad. he said that he doesn't speak to him. she said, "well i like him." my son went about his business. he didn't say all of the things he could have. he let it go. he enjoyed his friend. he tried to have things be like they had been. but.
his dad did this. he laid it out so that my son would be caused guilt and shame. he went and acted extra nice. remember....AFTER he and my son weren't talking. before, he would see them occasionally at school events or in passing moments...as you do with the parents of your teen aged children. but now, he has dinner there. spends time.
he is doing the same thing to my son that he does to me. he grooms those people that we are closest to. he puts on an act of how wonderful he is. he nurtures a relationship with them. he lets me...or my son...take the fall for being bad or unaccepting or unkind. he puts a lot of effort into showing up everywhere, into being mr. popular.
all to have others lay a guilt trip on us. for me, i'm kind of over it. though, the hurt remains that he is still so self centered that he would do so. but for my son, i ache. his dad could have so easily have made it easier on him. he could have taken responsibility to them. he could have bowed out graciously. he could have apologized. could have. but did none of those things.
he is so extremely self oriented. he doesn't see anyone else. he sees everything and everyone as to how they benefit him or increase his reputation.
and i felt sorry for him this week as i realized how near to the end of the parenting years he is and how he never has allowed himself to see anyone else...including his kids. unless they are performing and making him look good, then he claims parenthood. they are useful items for him socio-emotionally. when he has nothing better to do or he's lonely, then he wants to be a parent. his kids have gotten old enough to realize this. yet, they can love him anyway. and do love him. i wish he understood what a gift he has received.
the guilt trip sure requires a lot of baggage. :)
today has been a difficult day as i worked through the nightmare and the emotions that came from it. i choose to do those hard things now. no sense running...they are there. no sense stuffing them...they'll just pop up when i least expect it. best to face the painful things.
and in that, i was so proud of myself.
blessings.
his dad did this. he laid it out so that my son would be caused guilt and shame. he went and acted extra nice. remember....AFTER he and my son weren't talking. before, he would see them occasionally at school events or in passing moments...as you do with the parents of your teen aged children. but now, he has dinner there. spends time.
he is doing the same thing to my son that he does to me. he grooms those people that we are closest to. he puts on an act of how wonderful he is. he nurtures a relationship with them. he lets me...or my son...take the fall for being bad or unaccepting or unkind. he puts a lot of effort into showing up everywhere, into being mr. popular.
all to have others lay a guilt trip on us. for me, i'm kind of over it. though, the hurt remains that he is still so self centered that he would do so. but for my son, i ache. his dad could have so easily have made it easier on him. he could have taken responsibility to them. he could have bowed out graciously. he could have apologized. could have. but did none of those things.
he is so extremely self oriented. he doesn't see anyone else. he sees everything and everyone as to how they benefit him or increase his reputation.
and i felt sorry for him this week as i realized how near to the end of the parenting years he is and how he never has allowed himself to see anyone else...including his kids. unless they are performing and making him look good, then he claims parenthood. they are useful items for him socio-emotionally. when he has nothing better to do or he's lonely, then he wants to be a parent. his kids have gotten old enough to realize this. yet, they can love him anyway. and do love him. i wish he understood what a gift he has received.
the guilt trip sure requires a lot of baggage. :)
today has been a difficult day as i worked through the nightmare and the emotions that came from it. i choose to do those hard things now. no sense running...they are there. no sense stuffing them...they'll just pop up when i least expect it. best to face the painful things.
and in that, i was so proud of myself.
blessings.
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