birthday

tomorrow would have been my grandmother's birthday.  in all of my dealing and coping today, i had to face things about her too.  i have had to face how i excused everyone for everything ever since i was a child.  i told my grandmother when i was visiting her one weekend how i was being abused at my step mom's.  i told her things that had happened.  i sobbed.  i begged.  i asked her to not send me back.  and i excused it when she did.  i told myself that she couldn't do anything. i felt responsible for "making trouble."  and i did that for my ex as well.  when i would set a boundary and say what i needed and he trampled it, i allowed it.  i thought that it must be my fault.  that i must be wrong in what is right and healthy.  but, strangely, when i get what i need, i have a fairly good idea of how things should work.  of how respect looks.  of how love works.  because, while i had some really screwed  up family members, i also had many people that god sent into my path to teach me and show me.  he sent guardians to guide me and help me.
but tomorrow would be grandma's birthday.  she has been gone a decade.  and while she didn't protect or even think highly of me much of the time.......there was a bond because of both of us having lost my mom.  her only daughter.  my only parent.  i think i'll go to their graves next week.  take some flowers.  take a photo.  remember.  face pain.  and move on.  she did the best she could.  and, though i should have thrown an tantrum and kept complaining, i did what i do....survived.  i am strong.  i have come through much.  i have a god who has met me in every situation.
i guess what i really learned in the last couple of years is how to be weak...and let god be enough.  that has been fun.  well, hard, but satisfying.
blessings to you.