take care

i have spent the last couple of nights in hotels.  the first was planned.  i'm taking my son to school about seven hours away.  the second night i really wanted to get home.  after 19 miles on the road, i was exhausted.  28..  34.  i kept glancing down at the odometer and being shocked at how little i had gone.  400 to go.  381. 66.  uh oh, this is probably not a good idea.  i stopped in a little town at a mcdonalds parking lot to use the internet.  hotels were expensive that were available.  really expensive...like 800 dollars expensive. so i stopped by a few.  booked.  folks festival was in the cute mountain town.  there were great shops.  it seemed fun.  but i was too tired to even stop for such fun stuff. i drove on.  up and over a pass.  back down.  shaky.  numb.  then i was coming into a dinky touristy town.  it exists for sportsman.  skiing.  rafting.  hunting.  saw a motel.  pulled in.  $77 with a friendly owner and coffee in the morning.  i was giddy.  amusingly so.  since it was built in the 1960's and upgraded in the late 80's.  it was comfortable.  i felt at ease.  i slept.  but more importantly, i rested.  i realized this morning that my tiredness came not only from the 500 miles i had driven in two days and the setting up of my son's apartment.  it came from having been running for awhile.  being needed by many.  i needed to stop.  i needed to get things centered.  to think and pray.  i needed to be a grown up.  i wish i could have had some grown up girl friends with me to enjoy the prettiness.  to eat at a local diner.  but, not this trip.  so, i have rested.  and read.  and slept.  and eaten. cheese, crackers, dark chocolate and a half glass of wine.  it was a lovely dinner.  now, i am hankering for some eggs and bacon, but i don't think that there's such a place around here.  so, in a few minutes, when i'm completely ready and not because i'm rushing, i'll head out and mosey on up the road.  it's long between towns, but the long is beautiful.  jagged peaks and flowered meadows.  gorgeous.  it will be lovely.  especially since i get to do it in daylight.  so happy.
it's the little things.  i am glad that i am learning to take care.  to see me.
boy, those married years did a number on me.  when i first arrived in the parking lot here i was nervous.  then i remembered that i get to choose.  that i need to do what is wise.   that life is not a race or competition.  i should enjoy the moments.
so i did.
blessings.

A Wonderful Day

I have found my niche.  I am an encourager.  A writer.  And I have found my place within my school.  It's a gift. No, not what I'm doing...but the gift of having a place, of being needed.  I have received hugs and emails and cards.  Wow.  All I have seriously done is be myself.  My genuine self.  Wow.  It's so awesome!!

It was a really good day.
I'm exhausted, but the appreciation has carried me.  I am stunned that people view what I do as a gift.  Most of my life my writing and sharing has been "tolerated" or looked at as just something I do, but the people I work with are on fire.  They are excited.  They like who I am.  And I feel so very good.  But it's not really the thing that you can go share with others.  ha.
"Here I am, and I was pretty awesome this week...."
It's frowned upon.

Time for bed.  Tired mama.  One more boy to get to college.
blessings.

Truth

I have my students write letters to me.  Letters about real things.  Letters that tell me what they think I need to know about them, their family, their likes, dislikes, fears, hopes and dreams.  I cried reading them today.  Wow.  Connecting to what it true in their lives is going to help me to be a better teacher.  It's going to help me alleviate their stress.  It's going to help me to build them up.  It's going to help me to teach them.
It amazes me how vulnerable and open most of them are...even after only being together for a couple of days.
I love them.  They know it.  They like being in my room.  They are afraid that they are not smart enough.  Afraid of failing.  Afraid that they won't do well enough in school.  Afraid that their parents won't be proud.  Afraid.  And so young.  Sad.
My work is cut out for me.  I need to teach them some new truths.  Purposefully.  With kindness.  With patience.  With persistence.
I need to show them that they a are loved.  It's more than job.  It's a ministry.  A mission field.
I joke that I'm a "heathen" because things didn't work out at church after the divorce, but the truth is....I know where hope comes from.  And I know Who will provide enough love for these sweet children.
Let the children come to me.....
Maybe, for me, being a little more like Jesus means simply spending my days with His children.
blessings.

Rough

I forget how hard it is to go to church when "he" is there.  I made it inside today.  I really wanted to go for my son's last Sunday before college.  I really wanted to hear my friends from Alaska speak and sing.  My son made us late.  Then, I got in and waited in the back.  Kept choosing to breathe.  Texted a friend to sit with me.  Church was full.  No place to sit with someone I knew.  I stood in the door at the back and saw my friends.  Hugged them as they left the service.  Didn't stay.  Because I almost lost it.  I forget how rough it is...not only that he is there but that it is a reminder of how others include him and by doing so "wink" at how he treated me.  How even those who know his choices choose to show support for him.  To give him time and attention.  To sit with him.  To chat with him.  To smile at him.  To be seen as a support to him.  And to remember how that has hurt me with others at church because....the idea is that....if my friends are being friendly to him then things must have been ok...she over reacted.  He's a good man.  He's fine.  She just didn't try hard enough.
And in a moment of looking down the aisle, my chest clenched, the tears welled up, the hurt was crushing.  Hugely.  Horribly.  Could barely get a breath.  Head was pounding.  Hugged my friend from Alaska goodbye and barely made it to the car in that fog state.  Got in the car and sucked in air.  Drove home.  My older son was at my house waiting to go meet up with a friend.  He was surprised to see me come back.  I just said that it was too hard.  Then we visited some more.  But I had to have some time to lose it after he left.  To fall apart.  To ache and be gentle with myself.
I can't go someplace safely that holds me accountable while excusing and uplifting my ex husband.  I can't cope with it.  Because that is how he worked when we were married.  He schmoozed people so that they would be "on his side".  He took away any support that I might have had.  He always made sure that his supporters were a priority.  But, I didn't realize then that everyone got sucked in.  I didn't realize that when I divorced him that there wouldn't be anyone that would break ties with him and choose me.  And I still know that it's not something you can ask for.  I know that it's not something I can change.  But, I also know now how deeply devastating it is.  I know how he uses those relationships to show others that all is well.  It assures my silence.  And it really has.  Because there is no safe place.  I looked in church today and thought of the people that I have truly trusted and what they know and I was struck.  Here I sit weeping, though I signed up to go with my kids to the church picnic.  But I don't want to go again and be all alone in the midst of people that I've known for so long.  And my heart is so sensitive.  Nobody asking me.  Choosing me.  Wanting me.
I had forgotten how deeply agonizing it is to see the whole ruse in action.  Or at least, I had put it away.  I don't want to live with that anymore.  I need to realize that when people wink at how things were for me then it does not show me any respect.  It says that I am not important enough to stand up for.  And that's fine.  I don't have to be important to everyone.  I will be fine.  But, I will not choose ot put myself in this position of pain.  I will choose to be whole.  I will choose to wait until there are those who choose me for real.  Because you can't choose someone and support and uplift someone who wishes them harm.  And he has always wished harm.  Because he has to feel superior.  He wins.  I get it.  And I'm smiling again.  Because I'm ok.  And because I don't have to play this game.  I stood up tall at church.  I said no thank you to two people who offered to seat me with my ex.  I said that would be awkward and no thank you.  I spoke up.  I was brave.  Then I went home.
And now I'm sad that I won't be at the picnic.  But, oh well.  I realized that some of the people who were, "it's nice to see you, you should come more..." are also the people who invite my ex over but have never bothered to nurture or uphold me.  I guess because I am sinful  Which, frankly, I require more grace than many.  And if that's not ok, then I guess it's best that they move along.

But....still....it was rough.

doing it.

I've been facing each very long day well.  I'm proud of myself.  I love my job, but meetings are not my favorite.  It's exhausting.  But, I realize, necessary.
I'm really doing it.  Being a big girl.
Being happy.
Being involved.
Being present.
Being kind.
I'm doing it.
I am thrilled.
and reeeeaaaaallllllyyyyy tired.
blessings.

today. and tomorrow.

tomorrow i officially go back to work.  i've been doing things around my classroom and all, but tomorrow begins the real thing. it's going to be great.  a joy.  a blessing.  though i will be busy, it's as if everything has changed within.  it has taken two and a half years and i know that i still have growing to do, but i have found joy.  i hadn't realized how much so until a comment was made today.
a discussion was going on about divorce and how most people don't think it's a big deal or don't ask for details.  and i said that i guess i'm the "lucky" one because a plethora of people want to know and behave as if i'm disowned if i don't fess up why i'm divorced.  someone commented, "only two people did that though, right?"  and i said it was more.  and later, a few hours later...i realized how little people know of this journey and just how difficult it was.  and yet, here i am. happy and ok.  able to see good.  able to do what i need to do.  like...go to work.  have energy.  function. participate. but, people did care.  many haven't been very nice.  but it doesn't really matter.  that's the thing..it just doesn't matter.
and today, i went on a hike.  with my dogs.  and i worshiped. and it was a beautiful day.  and i'm not afraid to go back to school.  i'm excited and looking forward.
for
i am looked after
loved
nurtured
today.
and tomorrow.
blessings.

yep it's true

i'm actually happy.  i smile and think about it...and remember how long i TRIED to be happy.  i made the best of things.  i tried hard.  i prayed.  i chose a good attitude.  i studied.  i journaled.  i communicated.  but, i was miserable....masquerading in trying to be happy.  trying to be happy is tiring. it wore me out.  i didn't realize that it was supposed to be there. i didn't realize that everyone else wasn't having to work so hard just to have basic happiness.  i remember telling him that i wasn't happy.  it took everything i had to utter it....it was like saying "i'm a complete and utter failure."  he ridiculed me and told me that it wasn't about being happy and shamed me with how that wasn't christ like.  sigh.  and he is right.  life isn't just about being happy.  but it's also not about being used by someone so that they can feel happy while you get nothing.  that can't work forever.
and so, this lovely, beautiful, freeing sensation of happy is delightful.  i feel like my dog when she rolls in fresh cut grass or sprawls in the ray of sunshine...completely happy.
and life isn't easy.  today was a long and somewhat harrowing day.  i ended up needing to spend hundreds of dollars more than i budgeted for this time of the month...and year....and strangley...i'm at peace. it will all work out.  somehow it just does.  and i have no need to worry.  worrying doesn't make it better.  it doesn't make me holier or more responsible.
yep, it's true.  i'm happy.
i'm sometimes lonely.  i'm sometimes broke...often.  i'm sometimes overwhelmed.
and still. i'm happy.
thank you god for giving me happy.  filling me with joy and letting it overflow.  it's life changing.
blessings!

snuck up on me

had a revelation tonight.  
i am bona fide happy.  content.  peaceful.
something changed.
a lever moved.
things aren't easy.
money isn't abundant.
it was actually when i was thinking about money that it hit me.
it doesn't worry me.
so many responsibilities.
so many that depend on me.
yet.
not worried.
trusting. resting. knowing.  believing.
and letting it be.
my worrying doesn't help anyway.
it just makes me a stressed monster.
as i drove and i realized that money wasn't worrying me,
it snuck up on me that
really
i am absolutely thrilled with living.
i love laughing.
and smiling.
and hanging out.
i love breathing.
slowly in and making sure to exhale out every last bit.
i love doing my little bits to get stronger.  it's fun.  and when i don't want to...i don't.
i love that circumstances don't control me.
i love that i don't have someone in my life that i have to apologize to umpteen times and get nada in return.
i love that i have a meaningful job.
i love that i am so desperately thankful.  every day.
i love that god is making himself known to my kids.
on his own.
without me having to drag them to it.
i love the person that i'm becoming.
although.
tonight.
i embarrassed myself.
i spend too much time without "adults".
when i get with one, i ramble.
got to improve that.
but there's nothing like the pure joy of life sneaking up on me and saying "gotcha".
actually brings tears to my eyes.
joy.
it fills my chest.
my soul.
it wiggles in my fingers.
it's all around.
it's not just that things are good.
not that at all.
things are hectic.
chaotic.
difficult.
and yet.
i am not.
i am at rest.
i am at peace.
i am calm.
i am so deliriously happy.
yep.
good thing to realize.
has been happening to gradually that i didn't realize how far i'd come.
yippee!!
good night.
blessings.

self control

some people are food junkies.  i am a foodie.  i like food a lot.  but, i can go without something even if i want it without that much self control.  but there are connections, relationships, and emotional things that i really crave.  i like being remembered.  i like being asked.  but, i also like touching base and doing the asking.  and, while it's good to connect, it can also be annoying.  so, i find myself feeling much of the time at odds with taking care of my needs and being thoughtful.  it's a tough balance.  i know that a lot of it has to do with the vast amounts of time that i have alone.  i know that it's that though i'm an introvert, i like to share things.  something shared is so much lovelier.  however, i keep remembering that if i'm doing too much asking and nobody else is asking or inviting me...then, probably it's time to move on in life.  makes me cringe.  i'm a stayer. with people.  with relationships.  but i haven't seemed to put myself in a place in life that my needs are going to be met.  i have school friends.  and they are fun.  and they make me laugh.  and we learn a lot from one another.  it's not the same though.  they are coworkers who are there because we are thrown together. so i struggle.  i have to show self control.  though life has been strange and without much  laughter with friends time.  i have to figure it out.  i love to laugh.  absolutely love it.  and it's good for me.  so, i will work on learning to laugh anyway.  good practice since all of my kids will be gone in just a couple of years.
so.  self control.  doing something i don't want to do.  i can do it.  i know i can.  nooo problem.  well, maybe a little problem.  but, it will get better. eventually.
blessings.

moving

i took a class on moving today.

kids that move more learn more.  adults that move more learn more.  and...have less strokes, parkinson's, cancer, heart attacks, colds, and for women, a 37%less chance of dying early.  women who regularly sit for six hours out of their day literally have a THIRTY SEVEN PERCENT higher chance of dying early.  and, depression, mood disorders, and most brain disorders can be improved by the improved chemical production and neural stimulation simply by moving.  not sitting. not laying down.  cardio or not.  just......moving.  it increases i.q.  it improves the ability to problem solve.  it creates the yummy chemicals that make us feel satisfied, content and happy.

there has been entirely too much laying down.  i know it.

sometimes i can barely do it when stuff is rough with the ex.  i find myself curling up.  yet, this last few months, i have been doing something different.  i still curl up some.  grab a blankie.  but i also don't STAY there. i get back up.  i garden.  i take a walk.  i weed.  i mop or sweep.  i do something.  even if i have to put myself in the car to go somewhere all by myself because there's nobody to help me out of the funk, i do it.  i get in the car and go to the store.  or the park.  i get up.  i do something.  and when i'm standing, i try to do more movement.  i want to be healthy.  truly healthy.  body, spirit and mind.  and if i want it, i have to DO something to get it.  it's not a freebie.  

i want to be present in my moments.  which, i do pretty well.  but i will do better if i exercise.  if i get out and about.  if i enjoy the fresh air that's even better.  

so tonight i'm eating al fresco...albeit alone.....writing...and doing my hand watering.  i worked hard today and i could have come home and crashed.  i made a different choice.  i spent about twenty minutes vegging and then i decided what i needed to do net.  i don't want to decrease my life expectancy.  i have lots of dreams yet to live.  i want to see more grandkids. i want to travel.  i want to live by the sea.  i have dreams.  if i want to do them, i have to pay attention to these little details.

blessings.

heart's desire

do you ever ask yourself what if?  i don't mean the bad kind...the "oh my goodness, what if everything goes wrong" what if.  i mean the "what if i could choose anything?" i mean...dreaming.
do you ever look at what is inside?  do you see your heart's desire.
i know.
christians always say, "why, it's christ."  well, duh.  not to be snide or snarky, but yeah, we know that.  but what does that look like in the life you are living?  what does christ long to do in you?  have you to do?  what rocks your boat and makes you want to sing and dance?  what puts a smile in your eyes and joy in your heart?  what is it?  what if?  what if everything could be just as it should be?  what would it look like?
and then.......a little harder....why doesn't it?
most of the things in my life are lovely.  and christ is using me in ways that fit.
however........some things........they are less than satisfying.  and truthfully, they remain that way as i allow them to.  oh, some things christ allows...the thorn in my side.  but, when the thorn is extra weight and i am eating two desserts and not moving more than ten feet from my home, well, that's not really something he has placed there..it's a choice i'm making.  and if i want it to change then i have to do something different.  so, here's to doing something different so that some things can look like what my heart truly desires.
blessings my dearies.

put in your place

do you ever feel put in your place? sometimes i really do.  like i've just been chastised for saying what i want or need or hope for.  and i say it and someone says, well, that's silly because you just....or, why do you think you should when...... and i cringe.  i used to feel stupid.  i don't anymore.  i don't talk back.  but i don't tell myself that i'm stupid.  i'm allowed to have the wants that i have.  they don't have to come true.  they don't have to be fulfilled.  but, i don't have to deny having them to make others more comfortable.  i'm allowed to want more time or more connection.  i am allowed to have deep feelings.  i am allowed to wish for time with individuals, i am  allowed to want to have time that is time to share and speak and just enjoy without the rush.  it might not be going to happen.  it might seem as if i've been given enough.  it might seem that the in the crowd time should be fulfilling enough.  and that's ok.  i don't have to be hurt by the fact that people are different than me.  but i am not bad because i am how i am.  i need that quiet time in a small setting.  i do those big group things, but they are not my strength.  and it's ok for me to thrive on something different.
and it's ok for others to not care.  or not see.  or not understand.  but i don't have to succumb when i'm told "but.....".  i can still have a need.  i can still express it.  and when they have to say, "but"...that's ok too.  it's their expression of saying that they have given enough or done what has already filled them.  it's hard for me.  i blink back tears.  it's my first response in my still tender stage of learning to say what i need.
but i will keep trying to say it.  i will work hard not to apologize for saying what i need.  i also won't bully to get it.  it will come in time.  and i will survive.  but holding in what i want doesn't make me healthy.  and being denied doesn't make me unhealthy.
it's just being different.  different, not bad.  not evil.  not demanding. different.  i am a one on one kind of soul.  i thrive on uninterrupted times to share.  i struggle when i'm thrown into having to constantly just be one of the crowd.  that's not how i do relationship best.
but some people do.  and they are not evil either.  just different from me.
but somehow.....somehow, sometimes.....i get weary.  weary of feeling like nobody sees me.  sees who i am or what i need.  sometimes i have a moment where i think about what i can do to make it better.  but if having to be different and act like i'm somebody else is what will make it better then...i'd rather just be put in my place.  reminded of how much i've already had.  how good i have it.  how i've had my time or my quota.  i'd rather just hear the no than not ask.  because when i ask i am standing up for me.  i am telling myself that i am important enough to bother to ask for.  i am being loving to myself to speak up for my needs even if those things don't happen  and that's healthy for me.
and it's also healthy to be able to go on and not fall completely apart.  not completely.  someday it will be not at all.  i'm not quite there yet.  but someday.  because i am growing.  and i will keep growing.
but sometimes....i long...to simply be seen and valued for how i am.  even if i'm different.
just now i smiled.  and remembered how far i've come.  and how people don't see the hurt or the need.  and i am happy that...........i am finally happy.  peaceful.  content.  however, though i love time alone, lately i have found some moments when i am lonely.  i'll live.
blessings.

mental illness and depression

went to church today.  two sundays in a row.  ex is out of town again.  the sermon was about mental illness and depression.  by far, the best part to me was a man who got up and shared a section of his journal from when he had succumbed to the "swirling and ever darkening fog".  i knew how it felt.  everyone around you telling you to buck up.  in my case, my ex called friends and rebuked me.  he shamed me.  he belittled me.  i wanted to die.  i wanted to get out of the way so that he could be happy.  in retrospect, his behaviors prior to my faltering actually helped me to plummet.  now, i know that i should have said, "no, i won't do that."  "no, you can't make me do that."  "no, that's not my job."  "no, that doesn't bring me joy, it depletes me."  "no, i can't do that for you, you need to do that for yourself."  now, i know that it was indeed my responsibility to take care of my mental health.  to guard my heart.  i somehow thought that when married, i shouldn't have to guard my heart from my husband.  but, he was the one in my life who has stolen more self esteem than anyone else.  it still shocks me.  i was unaware.  i thought it was sinful to protect myself from my husband.  i thought that i must be being selfish.  the church helped with that idea.  i kept being told that if i just gave more. if i was just more respectful if i would just behave in a better way.  if i would fix myself up. if i would keep the house neater.  if i would tend to his needs.  if i would.....and i tried.  i have journals of my trying.  and i can hear my heart when i read them.  when i see how i prayed to be enough.  never being enough for him.  never making him happy.  enduring his silence.  and then still wanting sex.  shutting me out.  shutting me down.  showing contempt.  and i should have said no.  i should have told myself that those things were his problem.  but i didn't.  and the darkness swirled.  i remember standing by that dark hole.  it was terrifying.  and only one friend shined a light.  it gave me the direction to the way back to the light.  it was a gift.  not a condemnation.  love demonstrated.  hope shown.  and in time, i found my way out of the dark, but not to health.  not yet.  it took a long time to admit that things were wrong.  horribly wrong. in my marriage.  to face that i was going to have to stand up or die.  literally.  and yet, still, there are those who would never understand.  i wasn't beaten, so it must not have been too bad.  i still shake and shudder when i really visit how things were between us.  mostly, i just leave it in the  past.  but, when i go there, i realize how strong i am.  how determined i am.  how loving i am.  how helpful i am.  and how.....if i wasn't enough....nobody is going to be enough.  because  frankly, i was willing to give my very life.  until i realized that that was sin.  god did  not ask me to give my life.  he already did that.  and my husband...now ex....needed to learn that.  i hope that he learns that the perfection that he desires crushes people around him.  his lack of encouragement destroys hope.  his expectations squash dreaming and vision.  i hope it for him.  and i hope for me that i can continue to heal from those years.  i am better.  but i still face those moments when i hear him.  it kills.  but i turn and look at what is excellent.  what is good.  what is worthy of praise.  i teach myself to be amused and delighted by very simple things.  the sunrise.  the stars.  the flowers.  snow on the mountains.  a child playing in the fountain. my dog playing in the sprinkler.  i find that my gratitude is easily fed.  i find that it grows.  and i find that i heal.  and in my healing,i leave those painful memories to a grave.  unfortunately, i try to dig it up occasionally.  to remind myself of what a failure i am.  and then i remember...doesn't matter.....it's all been paid for and my father says i'm complete in him.  he says he glories in my weakness.  well, he glories in me quite a lot.  i am very weak.  but in him, i can do anything.
blessings.

crash boom bang

well.  wow.  tonight was enlightening.  my dear son that is home with me has been hating his job more and more.  i thought that it was just because he works alone and it's really hard work.  but earlier in the week he started saying how his boss just keeps telling him what he's doing wrong.  he was stressed.  i  reminded him that he only had to make it another week.  he was also stressed because his boss doesn't let him know what his week looks like ahead of time.  he was feeling taken for granted.  he had to work two nights until after 8.  he put in 10-12 hour days.  and he gets overtime, but the point he was trying to make is that he could have plans and that it's not thoughtful.  and that was his beginning of talking.  i heard him.  i encouraged him.  i let him know that i'm proud of how he's handling it. but, i could tell that what he was talking about was the "test" conversation.  i notice that young men do that.  they test to see if you are hearing them.  listening.  if you care.  i've done it wrong a few times, so i've learned to be more attuned to it.
tonight came the real conversation.  we went and got chick fil a...we had both worked all day and it's only the two of us, so hey, we splurged. :)  this morning he had thrown out that he thought his boss only hired him to get information about our family.  then he went to work.  got out of the car and we didn't see each other for over nine hours.  and then i pick him up and we are driving.   i get up the courage to say that if his boss is asking about my failed marriage or things like that then my son can freely defer hard questions to me.  and i say that if his boss is still talking about his dad and what he should be doing and it is making him uncomfortable then he can say that it makes him uncomfortable.  and i say that if it really troubles him how his boss speaks to him about his lack of performance then he can say that he does better when someone tells him what he is doing right  and he says, " i wish you would have told me this a long time ago."  i cracked up. apparently he thought that because i knew the man that hired him that he was supposed to play along.  it really stressed him.  he has been asked why his parents are divorced.  about family friends and their roles in our lives.  about his dad.  he was told, as was i, that the man didn't really know or talk to his dad.  then, the day after he got home from camping and went back to work, he hears from his boss that my son's friend's mom called my ex while the boys were camping to let him know where they were.   he heard about the conversation from his boss who was talking to his dad.  "not the kind of conversation you have with someone you don't know, "he says.  i nod and agree fully. i say, "did you tell him that your mom who you live with knew  where you were going and when you would be home?"  he didn't. he was too surprised.  he feels like because his boss is a christian, he is trying to insert himself and tell him what to do.  "he doesn't even hear me, he just keeps telling me how dad will feel in the future when i have kids and stuff, like i'm worried about that today."  ha.  he is a nice kid.  he doesn't plan on shutting his dad out of his wedding.  but he said he probably wouldn't be having him over and "stuff".  that could change.  he doesn't need to be pushed. the spirit of god will work in him.  he's young.  he's willing.
but it's another christian man that has made him feel like he doesn't measure up.  who has put down instead of building up.  and he is disappointed in christians.  not in christ.  but in the followers.  "makes you see why people don't like christians."  made my heart so sad.  but we got to talk.  and remember who christ is.  and what grace is.  but still.....what a loss.  what a tragedy.  where are the encouraging, loving, uplifting men of god?  my boys have needed them desperately.  instead they get nosy and nitpicky.
then, my kids in texas were taken to a casino.  to gamble.  and it concerns me.  why in the world?  they can wait until they are 21.  and, as my son here at home pointed out...his one brother has a propensity for gambling and didn't need to be taken when he was 17 years old.  i guess that is why it's still bothering me.  just nagging at my soul.  probably because i'm the one who has to parent.  and i'm the one that has to say no to things.  and i'm the one who has to be the bad guy and say that some things aren't supposed to be done.  they were breaking the law.  it was also sad.
my daughter has been texting a lot.  i think that she wants to come home.  something is stressing her.  i hope that they don't talk badly about me....at least not in front of the kids.....because my kids will be hurt by that.
wow.  been a really good week, but these little things have kind of given me heartache.
good news?  my son is proud of how i let him do grown up things.  his friend's mom called his dad, called the kids up camping numerous times, chewed them out for not answering....no cell coverage...and made them feel unable.  i gave specific directions about things they must do and let them go figure the rest out.  he called me....he asked for information.  i gave him respect.  that was a good thing.  he'll be 20 in november.  he's not a child.  he's smart.  some things he doesn't know, but if i release him, he will ask.  yep.  i done good.
blessings.