do you ever feel put in your place? sometimes i really do. like i've just been chastised for saying what i want or need or hope for. and i say it and someone says, well, that's silly because you just....or, why do you think you should when...... and i cringe. i used to feel stupid. i don't anymore. i don't talk back. but i don't tell myself that i'm stupid. i'm allowed to have the wants that i have. they don't have to come true. they don't have to be fulfilled. but, i don't have to deny having them to make others more comfortable. i'm allowed to want more time or more connection. i am allowed to have deep feelings. i am allowed to wish for time with individuals, i am allowed to want to have time that is time to share and speak and just enjoy without the rush. it might not be going to happen. it might seem as if i've been given enough. it might seem that the in the crowd time should be fulfilling enough. and that's ok. i don't have to be hurt by the fact that people are different than me. but i am not bad because i am how i am. i need that quiet time in a small setting. i do those big group things, but they are not my strength. and it's ok for me to thrive on something different.
and it's ok for others to not care. or not see. or not understand. but i don't have to succumb when i'm told "but.....". i can still have a need. i can still express it. and when they have to say, "but"...that's ok too. it's their expression of saying that they have given enough or done what has already filled them. it's hard for me. i blink back tears. it's my first response in my still tender stage of learning to say what i need.
but i will keep trying to say it. i will work hard not to apologize for saying what i need. i also won't bully to get it. it will come in time. and i will survive. but holding in what i want doesn't make me healthy. and being denied doesn't make me unhealthy.
it's just being different. different, not bad. not evil. not demanding. different. i am a one on one kind of soul. i thrive on uninterrupted times to share. i struggle when i'm thrown into having to constantly just be one of the crowd. that's not how i do relationship best.
but some people do. and they are not evil either. just different from me.
but somehow.....somehow, sometimes.....i get weary. weary of feeling like nobody sees me. sees who i am or what i need. sometimes i have a moment where i think about what i can do to make it better. but if having to be different and act like i'm somebody else is what will make it better then...i'd rather just be put in my place. reminded of how much i've already had. how good i have it. how i've had my time or my quota. i'd rather just hear the no than not ask. because when i ask i am standing up for me. i am telling myself that i am important enough to bother to ask for. i am being loving to myself to speak up for my needs even if those things don't happen and that's healthy for me.
and it's also healthy to be able to go on and not fall completely apart. not completely. someday it will be not at all. i'm not quite there yet. but someday. because i am growing. and i will keep growing.
but sometimes....i long...to simply be seen and valued for how i am. even if i'm different.
just now i smiled. and remembered how far i've come. and how people don't see the hurt or the need. and i am happy that...........i am finally happy. peaceful. content. however, though i love time alone, lately i have found some moments when i am lonely. i'll live.
blessings.
and it's ok for others to not care. or not see. or not understand. but i don't have to succumb when i'm told "but.....". i can still have a need. i can still express it. and when they have to say, "but"...that's ok too. it's their expression of saying that they have given enough or done what has already filled them. it's hard for me. i blink back tears. it's my first response in my still tender stage of learning to say what i need.
but i will keep trying to say it. i will work hard not to apologize for saying what i need. i also won't bully to get it. it will come in time. and i will survive. but holding in what i want doesn't make me healthy. and being denied doesn't make me unhealthy.
it's just being different. different, not bad. not evil. not demanding. different. i am a one on one kind of soul. i thrive on uninterrupted times to share. i struggle when i'm thrown into having to constantly just be one of the crowd. that's not how i do relationship best.
but some people do. and they are not evil either. just different from me.
but somehow.....somehow, sometimes.....i get weary. weary of feeling like nobody sees me. sees who i am or what i need. sometimes i have a moment where i think about what i can do to make it better. but if having to be different and act like i'm somebody else is what will make it better then...i'd rather just be put in my place. reminded of how much i've already had. how good i have it. how i've had my time or my quota. i'd rather just hear the no than not ask. because when i ask i am standing up for me. i am telling myself that i am important enough to bother to ask for. i am being loving to myself to speak up for my needs even if those things don't happen and that's healthy for me.
and it's also healthy to be able to go on and not fall completely apart. not completely. someday it will be not at all. i'm not quite there yet. but someday. because i am growing. and i will keep growing.
but sometimes....i long...to simply be seen and valued for how i am. even if i'm different.
just now i smiled. and remembered how far i've come. and how people don't see the hurt or the need. and i am happy that...........i am finally happy. peaceful. content. however, though i love time alone, lately i have found some moments when i am lonely. i'll live.
blessings.
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