rope's end

tonight nearly did me in.  or maybe it was the day.  my practicum teacher melted into sobbing tears.  long testing day with kids that were crazy from wind and rain and clouds.  and then i came home to a house that was a wreck.  a guest bathroom in shambles.  dog pee on the floor.  a daughter's room STILL not cleaned.  and i finally....lost it.  i said that i was angry.  i told her that i resent that i am willing to work hard and even willing to do 80% of the work, but that i can't make it without help and with someone going around leaving all undone.  then i left and got us each a starbucks.  came home and we talked.  i didn't back down...which is unusual because i feel sorry for her.  but, eventually we poked around til we got to the issues.  i pushed the sore spots and got out the puss...so to speak.  and she is a happier girl with a clean bathroom AND bedroom tonight.   and she got off her chest that she is stressed by all of the school push of tests.  she is stressed by her friends saying what score she needs to have.  she is stressed.  but i finally said that stressed or not she has to do some things...that it's part of growing up.  and..she did.  and she was happy tonight.  we both bawled much, but it was healing too.
i need to tie a knot in the rope and try to get ready for this trip for the graduation.  could be why we are a little tired.
onward.

beautiful

sometimes i wonder what constitutes beautiful in a woman.  i am on the heavy side these days, but i feel more beautiful than i felt for many years.  i feel...free and confident.  i feel able to choose.  i feel like i am not made to conform to clothes but rather, they should conform to me.  i am not made for them, they are made for me.
yet.
there is this niggling doubt.  maybe i'm just horrible looking.  really, sometimes i look in the mirror and i see the cellulite.  and the veins.  and the flabby tummy. and i wonder.  can i be beautiful just as i am?  can i be content and happy and joyful?
because i like feeling beautiful.  standing tall.  it raises the soul to new heights.
but sometimes, my eyes make me think something different.  they look at others and look at me and say that i'm not enough.  that there's no wonder my ex was not enchanted with me.  it's this horrible place to be.  so, i choose to stay away from there.  i try hard not to even walk near the edge.
i strive to be content with my body and to work on being healthy.
still, it's a little bit sad to realize that i'm not one that people will ever notice.  not my face.  not my body.  i'm just rather plain.  a little heavy.  gray hair.  but i have joy.  it seeps out.  and people see that. it's infectious.   and maybe....maybe feeling beautiful that way is enough for me.  maybe it alone can make me feel good in a dress.  maybe simply knowing that i can bring happiness and encouragement to others can make me feel like i'm lovely.
sometimes it does.  and sometimes, i fall victim to the myth of outer beauty.  the myth is deadly poison that destroys the soul.  steals the smile.  so, any moment that i feel it happening, i choose...to change my mind.
i was created.  created beautiful.  the poem of my master.  his art.  how can i criticize his art when i am so complimentary and in awe of human artists?  need to keep perspective.  have to do some big things in the next couple of weeks.  going to college graduation.  going to awards ceremony with colleagues.  i can do it.  not easily, but i can.  i just have to keep my focus right so that i don't feel like a fraud in dress up clothes.
blessings.

easy like a sunday morning....

ha.
whoever wrote that song wasn't a churchgoer who got divorced.

i never knew how hard sundays would get when i got divorced.  i didn't know that i would be mostly ostracized, that my kids and their needs would fade next to the victim status of their dad.  i didn't know that at some point, i would peek my head back out and go back to see those people with whom i had done life for over twenty years...that i would let down my guard...share my heart...beg them to hear my daughter.....and then have them report back to her dad.  that is just wrong.

so, i'm home this morning.  i got up.  a beautiful day.  worked on cleaning my stove top.  praying.  talking to my daughter.  she's going to church today.  she has a date with someone to go jewelry shopping for prom after church.  i will never tell my daughter where the leak came from that made her dad approach her with his bit of guilt.  that's my burden to carry.  at this point, she thinks it was her brother who is in tight with her dad.  that's fine.
but, i'm home.  with a renewed understanding of why it doesn't work very well to attend the same church as your ex.  but i think i've adjusted to it.  though it sucked.  though it wasn't fair.  i'm fine.  i'm not afraid to go anymore.  i jumped that hurdle by going back.  but, it's not the best thing because i can't be myself and open and honest without people reporting back to him.  so, i choose not to do that.

it's a lovely day.  easy like a sunday morning.  laid back.  comfortable.  i am blessed.

https://www.facebook.com/TheJourney.Me/photos/a.1435355760062998.1073741828.1435353456729895/1573940109537895/?type=1

This site shows a diagram of the journey of grief.  It's beautiful.

Single Mom Life

i'm a strong woman.
i have good character
and a good sense of humor to go with it
i am positive and encouraging
i am hopeful.
yet,
sometimes,
when i'm doing one of the two dozen chores
that need to be done
i find that there
is a bit of sadness
a bit of wishing that
i didn't have to get it all done
don't get me wrong
i don't want a husband
i just want my kids or someone
to sometimes see how lovely it would be
if they said
"i'll take care of that"
from the brakes on the car
to the mowing
to the room that needs finished
to the trim work
to the garden
to the transmission fluid
to the headlights
to the dinner
to the breakfast
to the tree trimming
to the making a she shed
to the barn cleaning
to the weeding
to all of it.
all
of
it.
all
all
all
and instead of anyone doing things
i get remarks about how i need to get something done
or how it needs to be done
duh, like i wasn't aware

but, today i loosened the soil around the peonies and roses.
i shined my headlights
with toothpaste and a scrub brush
i vaccuumed the kitchen
i moved some of the hay to the compost pile
i sat down.
and i feel like i need to get up and do more
but i have to transport my kid
twice more today
really

and i love my life
i just wish
that occasionally
someone would see
the job that i'm doing
while working full time
and parenting full time
but they don't see.
at all.
blinders.

stillllll
i am so full of joy
so happy
so content
and i'm ok with not getting everything done
and with not knowing where the money will come from
and feeling a little bit unable
because in all of that dwells faith
real faith
i have no control
all i have is willingness
that's it

so,
off i go to do some more and love living
after all, i want another fifty years, so i gotta get a move on

blessings.

rough days

today i was blindsided by someone at a lunch date.  i had expressed to his wife that life is hard with people siding with my ex.  her husband has barely spoken to me in three years.  he used to call me.  he used to laugh with me.  he used to respect me.  we were actually friends.  but, now, he hangs with my ex.  has him over for holidays.  and the games.  goes out to watch games.  he is friendlier with him than ever was when i was married.  he and my ex saw one another if the women planned an event.  period.  but, my ex pursued him after the divorce...as he did others in our circle...and the man bought in.  he became his friend and not mine.  now, i believe him that he can tolerate me.  but, if we are friends, why haven't i had him check on me in three years?  why did he quit giving my daughter the attention that she always needed from a dad figure.....when she needed it most?  why?
i accepted his words, but they cut at my soul.
i had opened up to my friend.  she had said that she is my friend and he is my exes.  she said that she laughs with and is polite to and friendly with my ex at church and at choir.  and all i wonder is..."how is that any different than before?"  how would my ex ever get the idea that she understands that there was something wrong?  how do people not get that something was DESPERATELY WRONG?
and this weekend marked the end to the idea that maybe the rest of my kids would remember that i had a birthday.  or that maybe there was something special and that's why they didn't do something on the day.  i kinda thought that they would do cake or something.  but, i'm really glad i planned to go out on my birthday.  i splurged a little bit.  can't really afford much right now, but needed to be doing something and not feeling sorry for myself.  and the online guy?  he forgot.  and it wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't said that he was figuring out a way to say that he appreciates me. it made my heart ache.  not having parents in your life really sucks on birthdays.
and daughter and i are having to make some new habits and strides.  we've gone back to hiding/retreating mode.  it's not horrible.  people look at us like we're awful for not eating every meal together.  we'll get there again.  soon, i hope.  we've been in survival mode.  she has been so troubled.  it hurts me heart so very much that i can barely breathe.  thank god that he understands my heart words and doesn't require me to put them into actual words.  i am searching for help desperately.  the weight is so very much.
and money.  i hate money. ha.  i actually don't worry about it.  i choose to give it to my provider.  to let it go.  but man, some months i get slammed.  this month, on top of paying on five sets of medical bills and airline tickets and hotels....i found out that i owe $400 for the end of year homeowners insurance.  soon.  i didn't plan on it.  yikes.  but it always works.  always.  there is peace in the journey.  and i sleep well.  i am given that gift.  and he has kept my car that needs maintenance going.  nobody steps up and says "let me help", but still, our needs and even wants are met.  we are kept.  my children are safe and here.  life is not about money.  i have to do it better.   i'm trying to do it better.  but, i'm so glad that god doesn't hold it against me.
and church.  it was so nice to go for a few weeks.  but, i don't think that i want to anymore.  it made it hard on others.  too difficult.  not what it's about.  i am free from the fear of seeing my ex.  but, it doesn't mean that it's good.  besides, what people don't seem to get is that it would be hard to feel at home again and then have to watch them go be friends with his new woman.  that's going to be really hard for my kid.  i don't think that i need to be there.  i wouldn't have anyone to sit with.  but, on top of all of the other, that's kind of heavy right now.
going back to school tomorrow.  lesson plans done.  don't have as much done as i hoped, but at least i got some things done.  and i entered recovery again. and made a plan with my girl to help us get better.  and i spoke up.  and i worked.  and i rested.  and had joy.  life is good.  even in the rough days.

putting in time

ok.  the deep things.  the things that matter. to me.

time to be honest.  with me.

it matters to not be with people who feel like they are putting in time with me.
who don't answer when i call. or text. or message.  or email. or write letters. or call.
really.  not sure why i let it slide.
do i think so little of me?
i let things go.
i choose joy.
i give myself what i need.
but.
there is a but.
a but that i rarely go to.
but it would be nice
to be sought
to be asked
to be heard
to be missed
to be thought about
to be me
and still be
important
answer my text
my call
think of me
when i don't reach out
laugh with me
help with the conversation
i'm not very good at it
know me
and act on that
i don't need big and fancy
but i do need
knowing
being present
i do need to know
that there are people
who not only care
but are
vested
who don't put in time
because they should
or because it's nice
but because they want
to be
with me.
because i guess i realize now
that obligation
smarts for me
my ex was committed
in an obligatory fashion
and my whole heart and soul
cringe when they feel that

be real
be honest
be open
share your heart
let me see you
be
you
just be with me
being you

friends
i need that in life
i need depth
i need your
realness
i need you to know
that i'm
vulnerable
and a little
needy
but not so
fragile
that you can't
share
cry
ask for help

i can't
do all
of the effort
i can't make
you enjoy me
i can't
express how much it means to me
at least not without being
dubbed as weird

yes.
i am deep
and complex
and a pain in the ass

but i am loyal
and gentle
and fun
and smart
too

and i wish
that i had people
around
who
couldn't wait
to be with me
or talk to me
because
i'm worth more
thank putting in time
i'm worth
it
or
am i
i certainly wasn't
to my ex
not worth any
extra time
or sitting down
i wasn't worth being kind to
wasn't worth standing up for
wasn't worth buying new clothes for
wasn't worth really loving
only being committed
only worth a facade

and i don't have some huge extended family
that swoops in like most of you do
what i get
i get from you
you guys are my family
the family i chose, yes,
but still
family
but i don't want you to put in time
to make excuses about how you don't
"stay in touch with anyone, that's just not you"
or push me away by being distant.
i don't need that.
if you aren't all in
don't be in
just be truthful
walk away
say what you need
because really
i look over my
rather large group of
"friends"
and i wonder why it is
that my phone never rings
rarely texts
and that most contact is initiated by me
i'm guessing that there's just
something weird about me
and i can live with that
but don't hang out
because it makes you feel better
to
put in the time
nah
i like relationships
i like taking hours
i like being seen
and seeing
and being understood
and understanding
i like messy
and real
the fake crap?
i had a lifetime's worth
i don't need a bit more of it.
so.
don't put in time on my account
if you don't need me
just don't do it

yep, time to remember that it's ok
to have needs of my own.  ok to think
that sometimes people should show up

glad

i've made choices
and i'm glad
for the choice
to not meet the internet guy
my kid doesn't need it
none of my kids do
but also,
i can't deal with that
right now
need to deal with too much
around here
and though
others might not understand
i'm glad
yes,
though i might lose him
i like him
but i am absolutely in love
with my kids
and i'm glad to be here for them
so glad

quiet day

i have six kids.  two remembered my birthday.  weird day.  i'm completely content.  i am at ease.  but, i checked my facebook page and got 14 wishes...all time low. ha.  i spent the day with no candles nor being asked what the fam should cook for dinner.  got a couple of texts.  couple of phone calls.  got no cards in the mail today.  it was a strange day.  it was the kind of day that is a little surreal.
i realized that i planned my own day out and the only reason i did was because i wanted to celebrate a friend.  i'm not sad.  just  a bit reflective. came home.  poured a glass of wine. watching a show.  resting.  daughter out with a friend.  spending the night.  life is just this way.
strange.
my friends celebrated five days early.  probably i shouldn't do that anymore.  makes the day of a little bit sad. a little empty.
it was my 50th.  i spent it with a dear friend.  it was enough.
i have to realize sometime that the fact is that i'm not going to be celebrated exuberantly.  i have to realize that it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me.
a quiet day. a nice day.  a big birthday.  fifty lovely years.
i am blessed.
blessings.

50

gonna be 50 tomorrow. FIFTY.  really.  amazingly.  fabulously.  excellently.  so cool.  really cool. don't even know why it's so exciting, but it is.  a gift.  i lived.  i made it.  i did more than just survive.  i am growing.  living.  choosing.

but right now, i'm working to not be sad.  working on it.  not there yet.  happy.  but...it's a little hard not to get the mail.  it's super hard not to have a mom when it's my birthday.  that's it.  that's what brings the tears.  it's like.....just nobody who actually celebrates that day.  the day.  my birth.

sad a bit.  and that's ok.  totally ok.  because sad is real.  sad is honest.  sad is a part of loss.

and right along with the sad is.........joy.  for being loved.  and cared for.  and held through it all.  

fake

so, the aunt that doesn't talk to me.  that tells my daughter that she doesn't talk to me.  just posted on my timeline for my bday....to be the first and to say she loves me.  it hurts.  really.  how in the world.  why does she say in public loving things and in private treat me as second best?  i guess i lived with that for far too long and now it holds no meaning. just fake.  empty.  missing depth.  blech.

tired of fake.  so. tired. of. fake.

the struggle

making fun.  not of self, but of others.  my kids have it down.  a coping mechanism.  a work around.  but it hurts me.  deeply.  i hate it.  above and beyond......hate it.  not talking about teasing with a gentle heart, but the digs.  comes from their life of having to compete to be seen.  to be accepted.  to have to be the best.  competition was their dad's goal in all things.  it created an atmosphere that doesn't feel safe to fail or to ask questions.  when it occurs still, it crushes me.  i bawled this afternoon after my daughter made fun of the fact that i didn't know how to use netflix on our tv with the wii remote.  i never use it.  i said, "oh, i need help"....and she proceeded to laugh and ridicule.  this was after refusing to help me move a piece of furniture and giving the "i don't care" attitude.  she is so self centered right now.  and...today...it's hard for me.  it's my birthday tomorrow.  but i think that it's pretty much over already before it has even come.  and that's fine.  i can plan myself something to do tomorrow.  but, still, i don't know how someone who dearly loves celebrating people has ended up with this dilemma in life.  well, i do.  i had to settle for all of those years i was married.  the whole "what do you want to do?" thing.  the thing of....i don't want to go out of my way to think of something that you would enjoy.
this year, i already bought my trip.  my gift to myself for my 50th.  nobody might be able to come, but i guess i still get to go to the beach.  it isn't what i hoped to look forward to, but at least i did something. at least this milestone will be honored by my having time at the beach.  at least, i will hopefully have some people come.
but i'm really struggling. i just need some kindness to my heart.  i feel myself slipping to that under the covers place.  something about the whole weekend and then my daughter being on the slide again.  and that means that i again have to walk a tightrope.  and that makes me really pissed.....REALLY pissed with my ex.  and how  often can you say that to anyone?
i am struggling.  i hurt today.  i have things to do, but i'm tethered by the fact that my daughter is being so difficult and i have to interact and try to get her to be more helpful...but she won't be and it upsets me.  a lot.  like a deep ache.  and anger.  and fear for her.  i want her to make it.
just sick of being pushed back to this place because of the ex having his head up his butt.  he needs to grow up and be a father, but i don't think he cares.  

like me

i smile as i see how my grown kids are "like me". one took a nice long drive to think. one is writing a letter to her dad...that she doesn't intend to send....to get out her feelings.  and i saw how it helped him.  and i saw how it helped her.  and...i saw me.

today was really a tough one.  my ex is a jackass.  he has no clue.  no idea. no sense of what it takes to be a parent.  how the hell can he not have a clue after 23 years of being a father?  how can he not see them?  how can he not see how it destroyed my daughter when he just said, "i have a date" when they got off of a plane in tx?  no head's up.  no clue.  no opportunity to talk it over.  extended family. no privacy.  no consideration.  none.
my daughter has bawled.  absolutely cried her eyes out.  she has trouble showing her anger and it kills me.  i push her to it.  poke at it a little bit.eventually,i can get her to say what she feels. but it's hard on us.  makes me the "bad" guy.  but, it's like lancing the puss from the wound.  it has to come out.  but, dammit, he keeps opening it up and reinfecting it.  she just starts to heal and there's a new thing. i wish that he would just man up and say it all at once, out loud to all of his kids.  tell them point blank that he loves someone and wants to make a life.  i even feel sorry for the woman.  i mean, how weird that he never just says aloud to his kids what's what.

wrote to my daughter.  i love her.  it's not enough.  i pray for her.  it won't fix it all.  but, i'll stay.  i'll let her be mad at me.  i'll even encourage it.  i will help her fight the depression.  i'll try.  i'll stay.  i'll be honest.  i'll admit my foibles.  i will take responsibility. i will grieve for her loss of never getting to be her daddy's little princess.

rough day.

happy easter

this may be my new favorite holiday.
holy day.
the day that jesus proved his conquering of death.
the day that the tomb opened.
the day where the rallying cry the began with
crucify him!
ends with
HE IS RISEN!
He is risen indeed.

and i think that i understand more and more
of what it means to return to life
to go from unfeeling
dead
numb
buried
hidden
put aside
to being
ALIVE

alive.

the celebration of life unbeatable
unquenchable
neverending
possible for all
free

and i celebrate.
i am
free
i am
alive
i am
revived.

thanks be to god
for new life.

even life after
divorce
life.
real.
life.
blessed
life
and i'm so giddily thankful.


blessings.

brave girl

i am brave.
courageous
full of spunk
and i am able to do
hard things
even if nobody sees
why they are hard
and i am able to be
happy with me
how i am
where i am
take a breath
stand tall
jump

small group kinda gal

i like.....small.
if you see me in a crowd, i'll be with one or two.
if i am invited to a huge do...i'll most likely bail.

i like good food.
love it.
and yummy desserts.
nom nom nom.

i like sunny days.
rainy days.
snowy days.
cloudy days.
i like life.
desperately.

i smile.
not fake.
although i can.
but normally, i'm pretty amazingly happy.

i get hurt when snubbed.
or shut down.
or ridiculed.
or minimalized.
because i struggle to share my heart.
to be vulnerable.
to be authentic.
and it's a gift.
and if you throw it back at me
it hurts.
a lot.

i choose open.
and vulnerable.
and genuine.
because it gives others freedom to do the same.
i like seeing people free.

i like being reached out to.
simply.
semi regularly
with care.
it makes me feel valued.


i like my little group.
or even just one.
i'm not rude.
nor antisocial.
nor shy.
i just do better
am not so overwhelmed
am more peaceful
with those few that i'm close with.
making it even harder when my group,
my tribe
my girls
are splintered.
i'd sometimes rather just be alone than
work at being with a huge group of socialites.

i'm a small group kinda' gal.
worth knowing.
weird
but still
every so loyal
gentle
and badass.
and if you are in my small group
you know that there's no time
no thing
no thought
that i won't walk through with you.

small group kinda' gal.
i'm just who i am.

Not Sure

I can cope.  But.  I don't want to "cope".  I want to feel happy and comfortable.  At ease.  Not...working through.  Not pushing through.

Good life.  Love lots of stuff.

But this birthday thing with more than I had originally realized.  And, a friend that today reminded me of why I struggle.  If I say anything about my ex, she always defends him.  Not intentionally, but she explains why he does something that is hurtful like I am being nitpicky.  It shuts me down.  Had coffee today, and by the end I was almost crying.

I used to try to feel a certain way.  Now, I realize that how I feel is just how I feel.  Just have to deal with that reality of feeling.  Have to just cope with it. Don't have to stuff it.   Admit that it hurts...if only to myself.  And grieve.  And allow myself to grow and heal through it.

But, it made me reticent about the birthday deal.  At first I thought that there were three or four of us.  Now, I realize that there are eight of us.  And today, I felt myself go into survival mode.  The "get through it" mode.  It's sad because I was really looking forward to it.  I had nearly forgotten that pit in my stomach difficult feeling.  But now, I'm there.  The tired feeling.  Overwhelmed.  Troubled.

So, what do I do?

Take a breath.  Sit down.  Cut myself slack.  Keep being me.  Just me.  How I am.  In the situation I find myself.  Even if nobody gets it.  Or cares.  Or sees.  Or understands.  Or senses how I feel.  Even if.  I just have to let it go.  Again.  Over and over.

And my ex will be singing and on the stage at the Easter services.  Blah. And I don't have anybody to sit with.  Blah again.  So, I think I'll just stay home and be viewed yet again as "the heathen".  Seriously.

Not crying.  Right now.  But the heaviness aches.  

still second best

i have come a long way.  i have learned so much since i finally stood up and decided to live my life.  since. i. divorced.  a long way.  and i am happy.  and i am at peace.  and life is beautiful.

and yet.

that's in my heart.  that's in my home.  that's in my world.  that's at my job.  that's in this new world.

in the world of church people.  in the world that i came from.  in the world where people assume the right to decide for others.  well.

my life is considered second best.
my life is considered ok...with a side of shame.
my life is considred...tainted.

but what if they saw me?
what if they understood that maybe this is god's plan for me?
what if?

life would be kinder for me.

because how it is.
is hard.
i still have to be nervous when going to events with certain people.
i have to watch being too happy.
too....settled and peaceful.
it makes them
uncomfortable.
at best.
testy.
at worst.
and my birthday is coming.
and i have to remember how to keep some thoughts to myself.
how to speak well of my ex.
how to act sorry.
but
i'm not sure that i can anymore.
and that makes me nervous.
on my birthday.
and that is too bad.
because i am nice to them
i am understanding.
i don't expect them to have to act a certain way.
or be something.
but.
divorce changed everything in how some of them
view
me.

so.
i take a breath.
i prepare myself.
i feel the tears that i blink back.
i wish.
i wonder.
why?

why are they so quick to misunderstand?
so quick to find fault?
so quick to think that they know how things were?
so quick to think that my life is anything but god's plan?
so quick to assume that i screwed up what would have been best?

i don't know.
but i do know that there are some people that i love dearly
and who also scare me now.
because  they wield a sense of spiritual power.
of being
somehow
better.
untainted.
and i see the look.
i make it through seeing.
eating.
small talk.
i do it.
but now.
i have to keep from saying how much happier i am.
on MY birthday.
and i find it ludicrous.
totally ludicrous.
totally.

but i know i'll do it.
because somewhere in me,
i have trouble believing
that i'm not
second best
because i'm divorced.
not as good.
never to be asked to lead again.
or be the "wise" one.
or the prayer warrior.
never thought of as those things anymore.
instead
i get to be tolerated.
i get to be treated as if...
they are doing me a favor to be nice.

and it's really too bad.
because in reality
i know more about god's grace
and goodness
and hope
and peace
and joy
than ever before

it's too bad that they find it offensive in this package
wrapped with divorce.

on my birthday.
on my day.
i have to think about them.
seriously.
i have to sit and know
that my life which blesses me
which meets needs for others
which has been radically changed
is viewed as

second best.

bling and baubles

bracelets.  earrings.  necklaces. rings.  hair bands.  toe rings.  turns out...i like them all.

i spent so many years not having anything for myself.  always having to be last.  always being questioned if i bought anything. i became...hesitant.  reticent.  i became unaware of what i actually enjoy.

it's not the expense.  it's the....feeling of pretty.  i love the feeling of getting my jewelry on in the morning. i love the feeling of dangly earrings and clattering bracelets.  i love the remembrances in my rings of grandfather and mother.  i love the friends who have made me things of beauty.

bling and baubles.  outward adornment of a soul set free. ready to fly.  a soul growing in the beauty that was placed there by her creator.  mind and heart and soul...free to worship...free to love...free to give...free to risk...free to flaunt it all just a little bit.

oh...and lace.  lace is lovely. :)

have a blessed april fool's day.  he is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.  i gave up popularity and respect.  i gave up looking right.  i gave up pretenses.  i gave up.  and i gained life.  a life that i cannot lose.

i am delighted.  i am delighted in.  and it is spilling over in the silliest ways....including jewelry.
blessings my loves.