sometimes i wonder what constitutes beautiful in a woman. i am on the heavy side these days, but i feel more beautiful than i felt for many years. i feel...free and confident. i feel able to choose. i feel like i am not made to conform to clothes but rather, they should conform to me. i am not made for them, they are made for me.
yet.
there is this niggling doubt. maybe i'm just horrible looking. really, sometimes i look in the mirror and i see the cellulite. and the veins. and the flabby tummy. and i wonder. can i be beautiful just as i am? can i be content and happy and joyful?
because i like feeling beautiful. standing tall. it raises the soul to new heights.
but sometimes, my eyes make me think something different. they look at others and look at me and say that i'm not enough. that there's no wonder my ex was not enchanted with me. it's this horrible place to be. so, i choose to stay away from there. i try hard not to even walk near the edge.
i strive to be content with my body and to work on being healthy.
still, it's a little bit sad to realize that i'm not one that people will ever notice. not my face. not my body. i'm just rather plain. a little heavy. gray hair. but i have joy. it seeps out. and people see that. it's infectious. and maybe....maybe feeling beautiful that way is enough for me. maybe it alone can make me feel good in a dress. maybe simply knowing that i can bring happiness and encouragement to others can make me feel like i'm lovely.
sometimes it does. and sometimes, i fall victim to the myth of outer beauty. the myth is deadly poison that destroys the soul. steals the smile. so, any moment that i feel it happening, i choose...to change my mind.
i was created. created beautiful. the poem of my master. his art. how can i criticize his art when i am so complimentary and in awe of human artists? need to keep perspective. have to do some big things in the next couple of weeks. going to college graduation. going to awards ceremony with colleagues. i can do it. not easily, but i can. i just have to keep my focus right so that i don't feel like a fraud in dress up clothes.
blessings.
yet.
there is this niggling doubt. maybe i'm just horrible looking. really, sometimes i look in the mirror and i see the cellulite. and the veins. and the flabby tummy. and i wonder. can i be beautiful just as i am? can i be content and happy and joyful?
because i like feeling beautiful. standing tall. it raises the soul to new heights.
but sometimes, my eyes make me think something different. they look at others and look at me and say that i'm not enough. that there's no wonder my ex was not enchanted with me. it's this horrible place to be. so, i choose to stay away from there. i try hard not to even walk near the edge.
i strive to be content with my body and to work on being healthy.
still, it's a little bit sad to realize that i'm not one that people will ever notice. not my face. not my body. i'm just rather plain. a little heavy. gray hair. but i have joy. it seeps out. and people see that. it's infectious. and maybe....maybe feeling beautiful that way is enough for me. maybe it alone can make me feel good in a dress. maybe simply knowing that i can bring happiness and encouragement to others can make me feel like i'm lovely.
sometimes it does. and sometimes, i fall victim to the myth of outer beauty. the myth is deadly poison that destroys the soul. steals the smile. so, any moment that i feel it happening, i choose...to change my mind.
i was created. created beautiful. the poem of my master. his art. how can i criticize his art when i am so complimentary and in awe of human artists? need to keep perspective. have to do some big things in the next couple of weeks. going to college graduation. going to awards ceremony with colleagues. i can do it. not easily, but i can. i just have to keep my focus right so that i don't feel like a fraud in dress up clothes.
blessings.
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