i have come a long way. i have learned so much since i finally stood up and decided to live my life. since. i. divorced. a long way. and i am happy. and i am at peace. and life is beautiful.
and yet.
that's in my heart. that's in my home. that's in my world. that's at my job. that's in this new world.
in the world of church people. in the world that i came from. in the world where people assume the right to decide for others. well.
my life is considered second best.
my life is considered ok...with a side of shame.
my life is considred...tainted.
but what if they saw me?
what if they understood that maybe this is god's plan for me?
what if?
life would be kinder for me.
because how it is.
is hard.
i still have to be nervous when going to events with certain people.
i have to watch being too happy.
too....settled and peaceful.
it makes them
uncomfortable.
at best.
testy.
at worst.
and my birthday is coming.
and i have to remember how to keep some thoughts to myself.
how to speak well of my ex.
how to act sorry.
but
i'm not sure that i can anymore.
and that makes me nervous.
on my birthday.
and that is too bad.
because i am nice to them
i am understanding.
i don't expect them to have to act a certain way.
or be something.
but.
divorce changed everything in how some of them
view
me.
so.
i take a breath.
i prepare myself.
i feel the tears that i blink back.
i wish.
i wonder.
why?
why are they so quick to misunderstand?
so quick to find fault?
so quick to think that they know how things were?
so quick to think that my life is anything but god's plan?
so quick to assume that i screwed up what would have been best?
i don't know.
but i do know that there are some people that i love dearly
and who also scare me now.
because they wield a sense of spiritual power.
of being
somehow
better.
untainted.
and i see the look.
i make it through seeing.
eating.
small talk.
i do it.
but now.
i have to keep from saying how much happier i am.
on MY birthday.
and i find it ludicrous.
totally ludicrous.
totally.
but i know i'll do it.
because somewhere in me,
i have trouble believing
that i'm not
second best
because i'm divorced.
not as good.
never to be asked to lead again.
or be the "wise" one.
or the prayer warrior.
never thought of as those things anymore.
instead
i get to be tolerated.
i get to be treated as if...
they are doing me a favor to be nice.
and it's really too bad.
because in reality
i know more about god's grace
and goodness
and hope
and peace
and joy
than ever before
it's too bad that they find it offensive in this package
wrapped with divorce.
on my birthday.
on my day.
i have to think about them.
seriously.
i have to sit and know
that my life which blesses me
which meets needs for others
which has been radically changed
is viewed as
second best.
and yet.
that's in my heart. that's in my home. that's in my world. that's at my job. that's in this new world.
in the world of church people. in the world that i came from. in the world where people assume the right to decide for others. well.
my life is considered second best.
my life is considered ok...with a side of shame.
my life is considred...tainted.
but what if they saw me?
what if they understood that maybe this is god's plan for me?
what if?
life would be kinder for me.
because how it is.
is hard.
i still have to be nervous when going to events with certain people.
i have to watch being too happy.
too....settled and peaceful.
it makes them
uncomfortable.
at best.
testy.
at worst.
and my birthday is coming.
and i have to remember how to keep some thoughts to myself.
how to speak well of my ex.
how to act sorry.
but
i'm not sure that i can anymore.
and that makes me nervous.
on my birthday.
and that is too bad.
because i am nice to them
i am understanding.
i don't expect them to have to act a certain way.
or be something.
but.
divorce changed everything in how some of them
view
me.
so.
i take a breath.
i prepare myself.
i feel the tears that i blink back.
i wish.
i wonder.
why?
why are they so quick to misunderstand?
so quick to find fault?
so quick to think that they know how things were?
so quick to think that my life is anything but god's plan?
so quick to assume that i screwed up what would have been best?
i don't know.
but i do know that there are some people that i love dearly
and who also scare me now.
because they wield a sense of spiritual power.
of being
somehow
better.
untainted.
and i see the look.
i make it through seeing.
eating.
small talk.
i do it.
but now.
i have to keep from saying how much happier i am.
on MY birthday.
and i find it ludicrous.
totally ludicrous.
totally.
but i know i'll do it.
because somewhere in me,
i have trouble believing
that i'm not
second best
because i'm divorced.
not as good.
never to be asked to lead again.
or be the "wise" one.
or the prayer warrior.
never thought of as those things anymore.
instead
i get to be tolerated.
i get to be treated as if...
they are doing me a favor to be nice.
and it's really too bad.
because in reality
i know more about god's grace
and goodness
and hope
and peace
and joy
than ever before
it's too bad that they find it offensive in this package
wrapped with divorce.
on my birthday.
on my day.
i have to think about them.
seriously.
i have to sit and know
that my life which blesses me
which meets needs for others
which has been radically changed
is viewed as
second best.
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